Let me tell you a little story...

There was once a really stupid girl

Hey, how's it goin?

who, after listening to a much more computer-savvy person than herself talk about removing programs to make a computer run faster, decided to fiddle around with the files and programs on her own computer. She saw a program that she was sure was from her old modem, the one no longer in use because Shaw had given her a new one. So she hit 'uninstall'.

The next thing she knew, the wireless internet icon, in the bottom right corner of her system tray, just vanished. Poof! gone... "Unable to connect to internet" and "no wireless networks detected" were all she could get, and even the wireless icon under Network Connections in the Control Panel was gone.

WHAT HAD SHE DONE?!?!

Three hours later, after multiple frantic searches on the computer to retrieve the lost program, after trying to set up a new network and wireless connection (no dice), after talking to a Shaw guy who was unable to help her, after setting up the laptop downstairs to see if it still received the wireless connection (it did), she realized the total enormity of just how much she had fucked up.

Just when all hope was lost, when she was just about to unplug all the computer cords and haul the big ole hard drive and monitor downstairs to hook it up manually to the modem so she re-install the router software, a thought came to her puny little mind...

SYSTEM RESTORE.

Voila! Everything back to normal. Wireless icon back on the system tray. Connectivity at excellent strength. It was like the whole nightmare situation had never occurred!

So let this be a lesson to y'all....

DON'T BE LIKE STUPID!

Remember these? Pt. 2

I hope you enjoyed Pt.1, here's some more for ya...


This one is especially for my brothers, remember this??

...and Getting Fat

Most people lose weight during the summer. You know, from all the outdoor activities like swimming, hiking, cycling; eating healthy stuff like watermelon and corn-on-the-cob; and of course, sweating like a pig from the heat.

So why is it that everyone in my family, with the exception of Lena, has gained weight this summer?! What's up with that? Seriously. The boys have put on almost 15 pounds each (!!!), Ty's at about 10, and me and Ryd are tied at 5. What the heck?

Bats...

Ugh. Is there any creature more disgusting, more repulsive, more disturbing? Just thinking about the rodent-with-wings is enough to give most people the willies. But you know what's even more horrifying than seeing a bat? Seeing a bat... IN YOUR HOUSE!!

It was like the classic scene from Christmas Vacation, "Clark, what's that squeaking?" Only not with a squirrel. Hubs could hear a sound, a high-pitch squeaking, coming from downstairs. After some investigating, he tracked the sound to the toy area, from under a suitcase. Cautiously took a peak and oh-holy-hell, it was a friggin' bat. I immediately ran into the garage to get a big fishing net, and Hubs trapped the thing and took it outside. We think one of the cats must've injured it because it was all wonky and couldn't fly, just flopped around on the cement out front.

For the rest of the night, we were all spooked at the slightest things: movement from the corner of our eye, an unknown sound, even just the sudden recall of how gross the thing looked (*SHUDDER!*). Poor Lena was so traumatized she stuck like glue to my side the entire night. Seriously. If I was in the kitchen sitting at the table, she wouldn't dare to venture into the livingroom to sit on the couch, even though we'd be in each other's line of sight. "Mom, I HATE creepy things that bite when they get mad!" she said to me. So true.

The idea that such a creature could somehow find its way into our home is just, well, UGH! And how did it even GET in our house? Maybe one of the cats brought it in from outside? Its enough to give a person nightmares. Ewwwwww.

Cats...

I love our cats, Pablo and Punkin, you know I do. But sometimes I wish I could just give 'em the good ole Highland Fling right out the front door. What with the girl cat's incessant yowling when she can't find her brother, the overflowing litter box that wafts its stench throughout the entire house, finding tufts of cat hair on your friggin' pillow (meaning the cat's ass was where you lay your head at night!), and of course, the boy cat's obsession with escaping from the house every chance he gets. Its very different being a cat owner as opposed to a dogs', as we are finding out.

So the other day I went into Ryder's room to lay him down for a nap, and when I opened his door out raced Punkin at full speed, like the hounds of hell were after her. I remember thinking Poor thing must have been locked in here and really needs to use the litter box! Thought nothing else of it and laid Ryder in his crib for his nap. A couple hours later Ryder woke up so I carried him out to the kitchen and was holding him in my arms, talking to Tyler. Ty said to me, "What's that all over the side of his face?" At the exact moment he said that to me, a peculiar stench hit my nose. Didn't smell like a dirty diaper, I know that smell. No, this smell was... was... "OHMYFUCKINGGOD, THERE'S DRIED CAT SHIT ON HIS FACE! WHAT... THE.... FUUUCKKKK!!!!" All over his cheek, jaw and the side of his neck, and all down that side of his shirt. Dried, smeared cat shit. I raced to draw a bath and threw the poor kid in, then went into his room to check out the situation. The cat crap was only on one particular blanket, in one section kinda underneath, so I think what happened was Ryder must've rolled over on that blanket while sleeping and that's why it was only on one side of him. The cat obviously crapped under the blanket to hide what it did, that's why I didn't see (or smell) it when I laid Ryder for his nap. I was pretty traumatized. And I didn't see Punkin for the rest of the day, she was hiding, so obvs she knew her ass was grass. Stupid cat!

Flash forward to a couple of days later. I went downstairs to do some laundry and I noticed that it smelled really bad downstairs. Asked the boys if there was something raunchy in the bathroom garbage (no), or maybe some moldering towels (no), or even dishes with rotten food on them somewhere (no). Well, what was the smell and where was it coming from? The boys room smelled kinda stinky, but just the usual little-boy-sweaty-socks-dirty-clothes-unwashed-hair smell. (How sad that I consider that smell "the usual", eh? lol) Eventually I gave up on locating the smell because the downstairs was basically tidy and there was nothing obvious that the smell could be coming from. So I went into the laundry room to throw a load in. That's when it hit me that the smell was coming from in there! It was overpowering! Now, that's where the litter box is so you'd think that would be the source of the smell but the litter box wasn't that bad. I mean, it was semi-full but not to the point of 'horrifying'. I figured maybe there was a particularly nasty towel or dishcloth. Reached into the dirty clothes hamper to grab a handful of clothes to throw in the washer, and closed my hand around...A GINORMOUS FUCKING CAT TURD.

Yes. A gigantic piece of cat shit. A huge log. In my hand. And it wasn't old and dried. No, we're talking fresh and steamy and solid. (At least I found the source of the smell, though!) Why would the cat poop in the laundry hamper when the litter box was three feet away? Some form of revenge for whatever transgression us humans did? Who knows what goes on in the mind of a stupid idiot cat. All I know is that I was just ITCHING to Highland Fling the cat right out into the field across from us, and I know I was screaming and yelling at the top of my lungs because the boys came running. Then there were three of us gagging and retching. Suffice it to say that both cats stayed well and clear from me for the next few days. STUPID CATS!!!!

Lamebook.com = AWESOME

I am obsessed. OBSESSED. This just may be the awesomest, funniest, gut-busting website in existence. I'm mad at myself that I didn't think up the concept. Basically its just people submitting real actual stuff from Facebook. You will not believe how stupid some people are when it comes to giving TMI, making inappropriate comments, etc. Way too funny. And now I'm on the prowl for something to submit to the site, so this is your warning that you just might find something on there in the future from YOUR fb page!


Oh, and just an idea but you may pee yourself laughing at some of these. So go get a towel, haha.