Ryder and the Drip Tray

Okay everyone, raise your hand if you knew that your fridge has a drip tray underneath it. Oh, what, you didn't know that? That's okay, I only found out a few years ago when I happened to be cleaning under the fridge (I know, WTF? Guess I was feeling ambitious or something). But because a thing like that is 'out of sight, out of mind', I haven't cleaned it since. Well, I did today but it certainly wasn't my idea...

"Sleep with one eye open, gripping your pillow tight..."

Have you ever had a dream (well, nightmare, I guess) that was so realistic or horrifying or truly emotionally traumatizing that is has stuck with you, and you know you will always remember it? When I was a young child, I had two such nightmares that I remember to this day. In one, I was walking alone through a dark and ominous forest and there were skeletons hanging from all the trees; in the other, I was in the car and my mom ran into the store to get something and some stranger hopped in and drove away with me still in the car, while my mom watched helplessly, both of us screaming and reaching for each other. As an adult, I've had a few nightmares that still stay with me, but those revolve around the idea of my husband and/or kids dying, sometimes in my arms, sometimes I'm far away and witness it happening but can't get there in time to do anything.

Well, last night I had another such nightmare. I was so shaken up by it that I guess I was crying and hyperventilating and shuddering, and I only woke up from it when Tyler rolled over and hugged me to him, "Shhhh babe, shhhh, its okay, wake up, its okay". Even after I awoke, I layed there for about an hour, unable to stop crying or thinking about the dream.

In it, me and everyone I know (hubby, kids, entire extended family, friends, etc) were at a big event, like a wedding, and everyone was staying in this huge beautiful hotel. My friend Christine and I were walking down a hallway when we heard a huge commotion, ran to see, and were tackled by huge guys wearing black. Terrorists had taken over the hotel (don't ask me why my subconscious mind chose terrorists of all things) and were rounding up everyone by the pool. The pool was drained and everyone was pushed in, then chained together, then the water was put back in. I distinctly remember the feel of the cold water rushing over my head and trying to fight the chains to get to my kids to try to help them. A pocket of air was by my nose and somehow I was able to keep breathing underwater, and I remember hoping and praying that Tyler and the kids would be able to do the same. Eventually, the water was drained again and the feelings that rushed through me as I stared at the bodies of all my loved ones were so powerful, so realistic, I don't think I'll ever forget that. For some reason, the terrorists decided to let me go and I had to walk home. (In that magical way of dreams, the hotel was like five minutes from my house.) As I approached the house I just collapsed on the ground, screaming and crying so hard, knowing that I was completely alone in the world, my kids and husband gone, my mom, my brothers, my best friend, everyone. Its just such a horrible, horrible feeling. It was at this point that Tyler woke me up.

Makes you wonder what your subconscious is trying to say, with dreams like that.

Cock'd Gunns

I LOVE this show - its frickin' hilarious! Its on Showcase, Friday nights at 10pm.

Brad Pitt 'V' Interview 2007

I just came across this great interview - it gives a glimpse into his private life and the interviewer asks good questions.

www.ohyeswedid.wordpress.com/2007/09/11/brad-pitt-the-v-magazine-interview/

Introduction to Tarot 101

As some of you may or may not know, I've gotten involved with Tarot card reading in the past few months. It all started with our big trip to Spokane, where I picked up a totally cool retro-theme deck of cards "The Housewife's Tarot" where all the cards had a 50s stay-at-home-mom theme. I intended it as a gift for a friend but couldn't resist opening them - and my obsession was born. I found though, that the cards weren't detailed enough, I wanted better descriptions and meanings behind them. I mentioned this to my mom and she remembered that she had almost a whole library on Tarot and gave me all her books (yet another reason she's the Giver). Each book had a different explanation and details for each card, and I realized that this was much more complex and interesting than I'd thought. So I compiled all that info from each book into computer files and then into my "Tarot Binder" that I use for readings. When doing a reading for someone, its nice to be able to give them a wide variety of information and meanings for the cards; they can then tell me what actually applies to their situation and what doesn't. I've found that in the few readings I've done for others, and the many for myself, that the information given has been eerily, amazingly, accurate. I get goosebumps just thinking of my mom's reading, how every card was SPOT ON to what was happening in her life at the time. So anyway, I thought if anyone was interested (and not freaked out! lol) I'd start giving little 'lessons' about Tarot -- really, just tidbits of info that people can apply to their own lives.

_______________________________________________

UPDATE: I want to add on something here, so everyone knows where I am coming from. The thing to remember, is that not all Tarot readers do it the same way. I've found from talking to people who've gone for readings, that they are told "this will happen" when in reality, the card has many meanings and could indicate a variety of things that have happened or are about to. Receiving a Death card, for example, does not always mean someone is going to die; in a lot of cases it simply means a huge, possibly traumatic, life-changing event may happen, such as a relationship ending, leaving a job, moving to a new city, etc.

People are so scared of Tarot, and I believe that it is because of this reason -- the Tarot reader says something WILL happen and whether it does or not, the Querent (person the reading is for) now has that planted in their subconscious. Being told that you will die at a certain age may unconsciously affect certain decisions, which may ultimately lead to that end, when in reality the card drawn may have simply meant a relationship was coming to an end. See what I mean?

That is why it is SO important to me that I have as much information and options possible, for my Querents. If a card has ten different meanings, wouldn't a person like to know that, so they could analyze their life and see how the information relates to it?

____________________________________________________

Lesson One: What IS Tarot?

Tarot cards are used to gain insight into situations, and to predict the future; working with the Tarot is not only a method of divination, but also a way of completely accepting yourself and becoming inwardly enlightened. When reading the cards, we have to consider the relevance that they have to life as we know it now; part of the challenge of the Tarot is to make people think creatively about their lives and situations. By imaginatively interpreting the old stories embodied in the cards to reflect current realities, you can find new ways of looking at the events and personalities which surround you in your daily life.

A Tarot card deck is comprised of Major Arcana and Minor Arcana cards. Major Arcana cards indicate your place on the journey through the archetypal experiences of humanity and the many states of being, as from our collective unconscious: the collective whole of human experience, the astral record of all that has ever been and ever will be in existence, universal life experiences that transcend boundaries of space and time. Each of these cards has a particularly deep and important meaning, and they portray powerful, dynamic images of change, justice, difficulty, strength, joy and so forth. These basic ideas are then amplified in greater detail by the more specific messages contained within the Minor Arcana cards that usually surround them in any reading.

Minor Arcana cards are similar to what you would find in a pack of regular playing cards: there are four suits, cards numbered Ace through Ten, with Court cards being the King, Queen, Knight and Page. The four suits represent the elements: Wands is Fire (action, will), Cups is Water (emotion, love), Swords is Air (thought, intellect), Pentacles is Earth (money, material matters).

The "four basic functions" of our nature can be seen as thinking, sensation, intuition, and feeling. Relating this to the elements and Minor Arcana suits, we get Swords/Air as 'thinking', Pentacles/Earth as 'sensation', Wands/Fire as 'intuition' and Cups/Water as 'feeling'. A simple interpretation of this theory can be remembered by:
Swords/Air: I THINK
Pentacles/Earth: I HAVE
Wands/Fire: I WANT
Cups/Water: I FEEL

Well, that's it for today, folks. Pop quiz on Friday! LOL

Music, makes the people, come together...

So as you can hear, I've added a playlist of my fave songs (go to playlist.com to make your own, its so fun). What do you think of my songs? You should listen to 'Sister Rosetta' by Robert Plant & Alison Krauss, its haunting and beautiful and sticks in your head. Mom introduced me that song and I get chills whenevers I hear it. What songs are on YOUR playlist?

Note: The playlist box only shows like 6-7 songs at a time, so to see the full playlist click on the bottom song and the next group of songs will come up (I think I have 30 songs or so). On playlist.com you can have as many playlists as you want, and each can have up to 99 songs (wow!). I didn't realize how hard it would be to remember all my fave songs, so adding to my playlist is a work in progress, lol.

RCMP to the rescue!

Well, I pulled another all-nighter at the arena yesterday and around 7:30 I started freaking out because it was Monday night, y'all! You know what that means, right? Paranormal State!! Which starts at 8. So lucky for me, my DH showed up at 7:45 and I took No.3 and No.4 and made a mad dash for home. Only, when we got to the vehicle my diva daughter decided she didn't want to sit in her carseat, that was for "babies". No, she wanted to lay in the back, amid the toys and spare coats and food wrappers and the stroller. (Hey, 'dirty is better' applies to vehicles, too, you know! lol) Of course, all that's going through my mind is "10 minutes til the show starts!" but she was adamant, she was NOT going in that carseat. And that, folks, is when I came up with the most brilliant and evil threat ever!

"Get in that carseat or I'm calling the cops! Its illegal for little kids not to be in their carseats, and they'll arrest you if you don't get in there, RIGHT NOW! I mean it, Lena! Okay, that's it! *got out the cellphone and started dialing random numbers* Oooohhhh, just wait until they get here! You're going to jail!" She didn't believe me until I got that cellphone out, then it was a mad scramble to get herself all buckled up. Muahahahah! <---evil laugh

You're all horrified, I know. "What an evil, diabolical mother!" Hey, you don't know my daughter (well, some of you do, so you should know why I had to resort to that). She is the most contrary, stubborn, determined creature. If she's in a mood there's no reasoning with her. You could offer her icecream and she would say no just to spite you. But now that I have this cop threat, oh ho, things are going to be different around here. "Its illegal not to clean your room!", "Eat those green beans or you're going to jail!", "The law says all kids must be in bed by 8 o'clock!" Of course, this will only work until Uncle Levi the Cop decides to spoil my fun by telling her the truth. Knowing Levi, he'll want to be Uncle #1 and so he won't want her thinking cops are mean. Drat!

What's amusing me right now

Courtesy of www.cracked.com ...

http://www.cracked.com/article_16640_7-classic-kids-tv-shows-clearly-conceived-on-bad-acid.html

http://www.cracked.com/article_16624_tainted-love-historys-7-most-terrifying-romances.html

http://www.cracked.com/blog/2008/09/11/9-restaurants-designed-to-ruin-your-appetite/

Josh Groban is my new hero...

And here's why! This is so awesome!



My favorite part is the Fresh Prince song. What's yours?

Whores de Vores, Orgees and Orjasms...

The title lured you in, didn't it? Just admit that your mind was in the gutter and you were intrigued... Sorry to mislead you, but this post is all about hilarious misconceptions and embarrassing truths.

So we were at my mom's last night for our weekly Family Dinner, sitting around the fire, chatting, eating, you know, the usual. My mom's 'friend-that-is-a-boy' was talking about a trip he'd taken to visit some friends and he said that they'd had a great time, got drunk and had a big orgy (he was joking - I think! lol). Only, he pronounced it with a soft 'g' (like in 'guy'). Or-gee. Mom and I looked at each other and BURST out laughing, "Oh, so you had an or-gee, didja? With lots of or-jasms?" Man, that was probably the most hilarious thing I've heard in a long time. Later that night, as we were leaving, mom and I were talking as she walked me out to the vehicle. "Do you think... is it possible... could it be that he actually thought that was how it was pronounced? I think he did! He probably had no clue why we were in hysterics."

How funny is it when someone mispronounces something that you'd think would be commonly known? Don't think I'm all high-and-mighty about it either. Let me tell you my story.

First of all, you should know that I'm a HUGE reader and I've been known to devour entire romance sections of local libraries in a matter of months, if not weeks. When I was younger, especially in my early teen years, I was obsessed with Harlequin novels. Anyway, in my reading I would occasionally come across this one phrase that confounded me. It seemed like it was a foreign language and so in my mind I pronounced it Whores de Vores. I knew it was food-related but didn't know exactly what it was. Fast forward to many years later, I'm in my mom's kitchen reading something out loud, like a menu or something, and I say this word. My mom shakes her head, looks at me, "What? What did you say?"
"You know, whores de vores."
"What?! Here, let me see that. Where were you reading... oh. OH!" She starts to giggle, then chuckle, then huge deep belly laughs. Meanwhile I'm thinking she's off her rocker.
"Just what is so funny about that?"
"Oh, honey, honey... The word is pronounced OR-DERVES." When she saw my facial expression she just about had a heart attack, she was laughing so hard.

I was talking to my friend about this last night and she said that for the longest time her hubby would say dandy-longlegs, and even her step-mom used to say hy-hee-nas. How cute is that? The thing that is so funny (and utterly embarrassing) about finally learning you've been mispronouncing something your entire life, is you realize just how many times you've probably said that in front of people and no one ever said a word to correct you. So then you wonder how many people out there think you're an idiot, because FOR SURE that person went and told all their friends, who told their friends, etc.

Has this ever happened to you or anyone you know? Let me know...

Nightmares for life

I made a HUGE mistake last night... I watched a documentary on UFOs and aliens. Which resulted in a horrible nightmare that Tyler was actually an alien, kind of a Mothman-like creature, and he would turn into an insect-thing when noone was looking. Pretty traumatizing, but at least it gave me "inspiration" for this post.

Remember those horror movies from your childhood that scarred you for life? At the time, you probably wanted to prove to your parents or friends that you weren't a "baby", you were "tough", you wouldn't be scared. Then you had to hide the fact that you were pants-pissing terrified. That, or you ran screaming from the room and hid under the blankets in your parent's bed. (Trapper and I did that after our parents let us watch a certain Stephen King movie, thanks Mom and Dad! I'm sure you two were giggling about it as Trap and I cried in your bed!)

Its kind of funny that I can get so traumatized from certain horror flicks, and yet Tyler and I have the entire Stephen King DVD collection. There's definitely been some movies that, as an adult, have given me horrific-ly realistic nightmares, so I'll include those on the list as well. Hope you have a diaper on folks, 'cause you're about to be scared shitless... (lol)

We'll start with horror movies that changed my childhood, and not in a good way...


PET SEMATARY
Trapper and I thought we were tough, we thought we could handle it... we thought WRONG! At first, we were okay, the movie didn't seem that bad. But once things started happening, it became a test of endurance. If we showed our terror, the parents would never let us watch scary movies again. When the scene with the dead guy came on (the picture to the left there), we were DONE. Ran screaming and crying from the room to the only 'safe' place we could think of - Mom and Dad's bed. Which, at the time, was a waterbed.
"Shhhhh Trapper, be quiet, don't move, I think I hear that dead guy coming up the stairs!"
"Ohmygod, I think he's in the room with us!"
"Quit moving, you're making the covers shake, he'll see us!"
"Beau, I think I feel him crawling on the bed, its shaking and moving! Wwwaaaaaaaaa!!!"
"MOOOMMMMMMM!!! DAAADDDDDDD!"
To make matters worse, our terror was so immediate and obvious, that we provided our little brother Levi with excellent blackmail material. He must have been THRILLED to be able to get back at us for all the mean things we did to him. All he'd have to say is "Pet Sematary, Pet Sematary" over and over in a creepy sing-song voice, and we'd promise to do anything as long as he'd stop saying that!! I think it was at least two years before those words lost the power to induce nightmares.


IT
An evil clown that's actually a monstrously huge spider-thing that eats kids? I'm surprised children of the world can stand to eat at McDonald's, seeing that their mascot is a frickin' CLOWN!!! Coulrophobia is an abnormal or exaggerated fear of clowns, and I'm pretty sure this psychosis never existed until that movie came out. When someone says the word 'clown', can you honestly say that THIS isn't the image that comes to mind?



CHILD'S PLAY
I was in elementary school when this movie came out and I can remember my friends talking about cool and funny and scary it was. It was all anyone ever talked about. I suffered from nightmares for almost a month, where the Howdy Doody-looking doll would chase me around the house with a knife. Here's the funny part though: I'd never even seen it! (It wasn't til many years later that I could bring myself to watch it, then it was like, "I was afraid of this?!") Something about the idea of a DOLL, which any girl has tons of, trying to kill their owner because it has the soul of a homicidal maniac, that's true nightmare material. Didn't matter that I hadn't actually seen the movie - just the idea was enough.


FIRE IN THE SKY
I was never terrified of aliens before this movie. To me, they were cute little green men, kind of like The Great Gazoo from The Flintstones. Oohhhhh, but THIS movie... One scene in particular sticks with me to this day: the abducted guy is on the alien ship, strapped to an examining table, and the aliens shower him with this weird dust that immediately turns into a thick rubber skin that gets tighter and tighter, suffocating him. They rip a hole in the plastic by his mouth so he can breath, then they poke holes by his eyes so they can... *shudder*, they can *dry heave*... poke an extremely long, sharp needle IN HIS FRICKIN' EYE! I don't think it actually shows the needle going in the eye, the scene just cuts off after you see the needle getting closer and closer until its just about touching the eyeball. So you're left imagining what happens next. I know for a FACT that this movie traumatized Trapper so badly, you couldn't even say the words 'alien' or 'fire in the sky' or 'eyeball' around him, for like five years! And the fact that its based on a true story is enough to make a person need therapy.


NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
Okay, so I know a lot of you have awesome memories of this movie, its probably your all-time favorite. When it came out, every single kid dressed up as Freddy for Halloween. It was a staple at many slumber parties, which is where I was lucky enough to see it for the first time. Or not. I'll explain. It was grade six and my best friend Christine was having a birthday sleep-over, there was about 6-7 girls there. We'd rented movies and I was out-voted when they wanted to get it. So they popped the movie in the VCR (remember those?) and everyone settled in to watch. But not me, oh no no nooooo. I curled up on the couch under a blanket and pretended to be sleeping. Really I was trying to distract myself from the sounds the movie was making by reading an Archie comic (another 80s childhood staple). Didn't work though. They were all laughing hilariously at whatever was happening while I was seriously debating having my mom come pick me up.
ON A SIDE NOTE: Did you hear they're remaking Nightmare on Elm Street with Freddy being played by...(drum roll)... Billy Bob Thornton?!? Yeah, that was my reaction too.


Now for the movies that have traumatized me, as an adult...

13 GHOSTS
Seemed okay, didn't think it would be all that bad. 13 ghosts locked in a house trying to get out, sounds like the average ghost movie, right? The opening scene had warning signs flashing in my mind, "Stop! This is not an average ghost movie! This ghost is totally evil and insane and... wait... ohmygod, the ghost just KILLED that dude! Can ghosts do that? Holy shit...!" And it just got worse from there. I did not sleep that night, the next night, or even the next week for that matter. After we rented it, Tyler went out and actually bought the damn movie and I'm not kidding here, it took me OVER A YEAR to grow some balls and open it. I don't mean open the case, I mean take off the plastic wrapping. Yes, that's right, it sat in the cabinet completely unopened for over a year because I couldn't bear to even look at it. God, its like Pet Sematary all over again....


THE GRUDGE
See that pic? Enough said.









THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS
I know, this movie came out in the 80s but I didn't actually see it until I was almost 20. Tyler and I were living in Red Deer (Gunnar was a baby), in a 2-storey apartment that used to be a doctor's office back in the day but was converted into three levels for renters: the basement, the main floor (where we lived) and the top level. We had these HORRIBLE neighbors that lived below us, at first we called them the "pig people" because they were gross, fat, ugly, missing teeth and they sat around getting drunk all day and lived off welfare. Plus, they were really mean and scary and the disgusting woman would always come up and bang on our door and try to burst into our apartment because she thought we were being too loud. Uh, sorry chick, but we had a baby! You can't muzzle a baby. We absolutely hated them and vice versa, even had to call the cops one time it got so bad. So one night we'd rented the movie People Under the Stairs because we thought the title was funny and appropriate to what we were going through. Turns out I was completely traumatized by the movie itself. The premise is that this couple, who seem to be model neighbors and citizens, have been kidnapping children for years because the wife wanted to be a mother. Only, something would be "wrong" with each child (like, they cried because they wanted their real parents) and they would lock the kid in the basement and go out and kidnap another one. A little boy sneaks into the house and discovers all these really gross zombie-creatures in the basement; eventually he sets them free and rescues the current child from the evil parents, yadda yadda. But look at that picture up there, that's what goes through my mind when I think of this movie. *shudder*


HANNIBAL
The ginormous hog that eats the guys face, Hannibal Lecter
frying up and eating the dude's brain while the dude is sitting there and talking! There's many other scenes from that movie that have traumatized me but those two were the worst. I dare you to watch that movie and not have a nightmare. Try it.

SWEET DREAMS, EVERYONE!

Muahahahahahahahah!!

Things I've recently learned...

• If you're making cookies but don't have a cookie sheet, use a muffin pan instead. The cookies turn out perfectly round and they puff up so you get a thicker cookie that's crispy on the bottom and sides and tender on the inside. Who knew?
• How to get rid of fruit flies? Put out a small bowl of cider vinegar with some drops of dishwashing liquid in it.
• Always strap the baby into his highchair (especially if the chair is close to something, oh say like a table), otherwise you'll look over from doing the dishes and see him doing the cha-cha on the tabletop.
• Using gum to hang a poster on the wall might, in fact, work, but trying to convince your mother that its a healthy alternative to swallowing it, does not.
• Instant coffee = instant heartburn, nausea, indigestion... (sing it with me)
• Unexpected gifts given to you "just because" are the best (thanks Mom!).
• Under the bed is not a good hiding spot for sexy-time stuff ("Look at all these cool lotions, Mom! Can I smell them? What is this thing?", "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM? Ohmygod! Never mind that stuff, just GET OUT!")
• The strength of a migraine increases proportionately to the number of kids you have.
• The classic, tried-and-true response: Nod and smile, just noooddd and smiiiille...
• Learned this from an email: hydrogen peroxide can be used in place of bleach for just about anything -- cleaning, disinfecting, whitening (both clothes and teeth, but remember to mix with water when gargling); its safer, less smelly, and costs less (from the dollar store).
• Forgetting its Garbage Day is catastrophic.
• The self-checkouts at Walmart are awesome and fun... until the sensor has a problem with that huge box of tampons and the manager has to come sort it out while everyone waits. *blush*
• Just when you think your child(ren) cannot be any sweeter, smarter, amazing or funny... they will do something that reaffirms the incredible joy of being a parent.

My New Obsession

WARNING: This video features scary elements (ghosts, a bad spirit, a demon) so watch at the risk of nightmares!


(This is Part One, for Part Two go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WGW-zoE9Pw and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dxw844EuNt0 for Part Three)

Friends, meet Ryan Buell and his Paranormal Research Society (PRS), on the show Paranormal State on A&E. Its on every Monday night around 8-9. Its like the new highlight of my week. Maybe that's sad but hey, Ryan is hot. Tyler thinks he's a 'punk', jealous much? Heh.

Enjoy...

P.S. Levi, if you've just watched that video, you've probably wet yourself. Or ran screaming from the room. Shivering in the tub. :)

"Nobody puts Baby in the corner..."

Picture it: its afternoon, I'm doing the dishes (yes, the old-fashioned way) and I decide I need some motivation in the form of music. Any boring chore becomes fun with music. Well, not fun exactly, but a tad less boring. So I pop in the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. Oh, memories.... Ardan walks in the kitchen and before he knows it, I've pulled him into my arms and we're slow-dancing to 'Time of My Life'. Well, I'm slow-dancing, he's madly trying to escape my evil clutches. Gunnar comes along to see what the commotion is all about and then I've got him trapped. After much whining and complaining (on my part) and frantic attempts at escape (theirs), I give up and go back to the dishes. Singing 'Be My Baby' at the top of my lungs, of course. I can still torture them that way, lol.

Listening to that soundtrack, remembering my favorite parts of the movie and how I wanted to be Baby sooooo bad, got me thinking about my favorite childhood movies. Its funny how it can be 20 years later, you're flipping through the channels and you see a movie or a show you loved as a kid and suddenly you're 8 years old again. So I've come up with a list and we'll see if any of them are on YOUR favorite list. For fun, I've decided to put my favorite scene from each movie.

Dirty Dancing (nearing the end of the final dance scene, when Patrick Swayze mouths, "And I owe it all to you!")
Dream a Little Dream (Corey Feldman's Michael Jackson-inspired dance with the hat on the bleachers, for the girl watching)
Lost Boys (Corey Haim in the tub singing, then his dog attacks the brother)
Ferris Bueller's Day Off (Ferris singing Twist & Shout on the parade float)
Beetlejuice (when the dead couple meets with their smoke-leaking-from-her-slit-throat case worker and gets the tour of the human resources (?) office)
Sound of Music (the puppet scene with the goats - "Yo-de-lay-hee...")
Ghostbusters (when the idiot EPA guy makes them shut down the machine, then the ghosts are released and they terrorize New York, especially the skeleton cab driver)
Labyrinth (the ballroom dance where she's all dolled up and he's trying to seduce her or something, which is sick if you think about it)
The Goonies (Chunk and Sloth on the pirate ship mast, "Hey, you guyyyyssss!")
Flashdance (the famous dance scene in front of the judges)
Princess Bride ("Enough rhyming, I mean it!", "Anybody got a peanut?")
Quigley Down Under (at the end, when the Aborigines show up and surround the entire area)
National Lampoon's Vacation (tying the dead grandma to the car roof)
Christmas Vacation (god, how do I choose? have to go with Clark's rant when he doesn't get his bonus)
The Grinch cartoon version (the poor dog trying to pull the sleigh)
Looney Tunes 1001 Rabbit Tales (Daffy Duck being mean to Porky Pig's dog)
Disney's Fun & Fancy Free (Goofy on the jello)
Disney's Sleeping Beauty (the three fairy aunts trying to clean the cottage, make the cake and sew the dress)
Disney's Sword in the Stone (the scrawny wolf's attempts to eat the boy)
Disney's Robin Hood (Hiss the Snake getting drunk on wine)
Adventures in Babysitting (singing the 'Babysitter Blues' in the bar)
Revenge of the Nerds (can't remember much but the virgin sacrifice scene was memorable, probably because I'd just learned what a virgin was)
Troop Beverly Hills (triumphing over the evil troop at the end)
Fraggle Rock (the Doozers)
The Raccoons (Syril Sneer)
Kidstreet TV game show for kids (the rebus puzzle at the end)
Ford Fairlane (Andrew Dice Clay, "OHHHHH....!!")
My Stepmother is an Alien (when the stepmother drinks the batteries and takes the cookie sheet out of the oven with her bare hands)
All of Me (Lily Tomlin's soul is in Steve Martin, and she makes him flail his arms around and knock stuff over)
Earthgirls are Easy (Jeff Goldblum's tongue fishing out the ice at the bottom of the glass)
Big Trouble in Little China (the showdown with the evil Chinese guy)
Coming to America (the brother with the jerry curls leaving grease spots on all the couches)
E.T. (ET is trick-or-treating, sees Yoda and gets excited)
Karate Kid (the final karate fight scene, at the competition)
Field of Dreams (the ghost saving the choking little girl)
Gremlins (the Gremlin gang in the bar)
Heathers (basically, any scene with Christian Slater)
Splash (when the dentist stabs himself in the leg with the numbing stuff)
Steel Magnolias ("Hey Jack, remember me? Its your ole Aunt Weeza!" smack!)
Pretty Woman (singing off-key in the hot tub)
Mannequin (Hollywood screaming like a girl all the time)
Mask (when Cher finds her dead son Rocky)
The Neverending Story (the child princess, "Save me Bastian!")
Once Bitten (Jim Carrey turning into a vampire)
PeeWee's Big Adventure ("You met Marge?!")
Scrooged (the end scene, where everyone sings Put a Little Love in Your Heart)
Uncle Buck (making ginormous pancakes for the kids)
The Great Outdoors (the bear bursting down the door on top of John Candy)
Weekend at Bernie's (scheming to make Bernie seem alive)
Weird Science (when she turns the older brother into a Jabba the Hut toad thing)
Who Framed Roger Rabbit (at the end, seeing all the cartoons from Toon Town, Mickey Mouse standing beside Daffy Duck, etc)
Young Guns (the final showdown, when Billy the Kid bursts out of the trunk that's just been thrown out the window)
Cheech & Chong's Up in Smoke ("Can I see your license, sir?" "Uh, isn't it on the back of the car?")

So, did I miss any? Let me know what you think...
P.S. I keep remembering more and adding them on, so many great movies!

Saturday from HELL

CAUTION: THOSE OF YOU WITH WEAK STOMACHS WILL WANT TO SKIP THESE FIRST TWO PARAGRAPHS. *thinking* ACTUALLY, MAYBE THIS ENTIRE POST.

So how's this for irony? You see on the right sidebar there my new poll 'What's more traumatizing?' -- see the first option, baby + dirty diaper? That was something that happened with Ardan, many years ago. Well, guess what I woke up to this morning? Oh yeah, you're getting the visual there, aren't you?

I had been up with Ryder only once, at 4am, fed him, changed him, but for some insane reason I decided not to put his pajama pants back on. Don't ask me why. Maybe I thought he'd be more comfortable or he was too hot or something. I know, I know. A seasoned mom of 4 would never do something so idiotic, right? Lets blame these last 10 months of sleep deprivation. Anyway, so its 8am, I go in his room with a bottle and the first thing that hits me is the stench. Then I see the crib. And the sheets. The blankets. The stuffed animals. Not wanting to look and have to face the reality of what exactly I was seeing, I paused, took a deep breath (which I immediately regretted) then looked at the baby. OH. MY. GOD!!!! When I say he was wearing a shit-eating grin... you get the idea. He looked like he'd spent a month in a tanning bed, that's how brown he was. Sorry for getting detailed there but if I have to live with that horrific image the rest of my life, so do you.

I'm sure the entire west side of Sylvan heard my gag reflex. On the plus side, it woke up Tyler and he came a'running, took one look, one whiff, and ran for the bathroom. Yeah, 'cause I'm mean like that. Haha. Hey, don't feel sorry for him, he's not the one who had to scrub the shit off the baby, the crib, the bedding, the tub, nor did he have to do that lovely load of laundry then sanitize the washer. So that was my morning.

Flash forward to this afternoon. Before I say anymore, you should know that I've picked up a bad head cold from one of the kids. You know, the kind of cold where a sneeze feels like a nuclear explosion has went off in your brain. The kind where a laugh turns into a cough that goes on and on until you either gag or collapse on the floor, gasping for breath. Or in my case... well, we'll get to that. Those of you that have birthed multiple children know where I'm heading with this. So I was in the kitchen and one of the kids said something hilarious and I started to laugh, then cough. They watched in horrified amazement as I clung to the counter, coughing non-stop, legs desperately clenched together. And then it happened. I could feel it coming but there was nothing I could do, I was too busy trying to drag precious air into my lungs. Yes, ladies and gents, I pissed my pants.

Thank GOD I had just went to the bathroom so its not like I was standing in a puddle, but there was enough that I couldn't hide it. My kids were HORRIFIED. They've heard my mom and I joke around about it before, hell they've seen her do the same during a laughing or coughing fit. But I'm their mom, that's not supposed to happen in their fantastical little world, they're not supposed to witness my shame. Hahaha. As I ran to the bedroom to change I could hear their hysterical giggling and I'm pretty sure I heard the word "pissy-pants" out of one of their mouths. I'm going to have to come up with a good threat so they don't share this hilarious story with their school buddies.

So then its around 4-5pm, Tyler and the kids are rushing around, getting ready to go quadding. I'm on the couch, watching Mr and Mrs Smith, enjoying a fantasy of Brad Pitt chasing me around the house wearing just his underwear. Mmmmm.... where was I? Oh yes. I left to go check on the baby and when I came back, the kids were all on the couch, watching the movie. REALLY watching the movie. Like, leaning forward, totally fascinated by what was happening. So I look and oh holy hell, its the sex scene. "Mom, why is he smashing her around like that while they're, uh...?" Something inside me snapped, all the events of the day coming to a head, visions of poop and pissy-pants and Brad-Pitt-hot-sex. "GET OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW!! GO HELP YOUR FATHER!"

Should I be ashamed to admit that the reason I was mostly upset was because I missed out on the sex scene? I mean, c'mon! This is Brad Pitt we're talking about here people, don't you know he's my future husband? Yes, yes, I know, I already have a husband. That's why I said FUTURE. When poor old Tyler kicks the bucket, I'm moving to Hollywood and stealing my man back from Ms Jolie. I plan on using my kids as enticement. "You like kids, well I've got four!" I just have to make sure the pissy-pants story never comes up.

Is there therapy for this?

So I had the shock of my life the other day (well, besides finding out I was pregnant at 17). It was so upsetting, so traumatizing, that I've been coming to terms with it ever since. But now I am finally ready to talk about it....

I'm in the bathroom "getting pretty" and I was leaning in close to the mirror to do my mascara when a glint of something caught my eye. I got in even closer and ohmyfrickingod, it was a gray hair!!!!! Stunned, horrified, I plucked that thing and examined it. Its been a few months since I dyed my hair so I have roots that are a dullish-brown but this sucker, ohhhh this sucker was like a beacon of gray-ness in all that brown. I tried to convince myself it was a blond highlight from the summer sun but as my lovely daughter pointed out, "Nope, that's definitely gray, mom." So then I immediately started looking for more grays, but they must have been hiding in fear for their lives. My daughter pipes up like the sweet *clenched teeth* thing she is, "Yeah, there's probably more in there. So does this mean you're old now?" AAARRGHHH!!!

I'm consoling myself with the fact that BOTH my younger brothers, who are 22 and 24, already have some gray hairs on their temples. Of course, they're guys so they look 'distinguished'. Damn them.

Sweet, sweet victory!

So the last of the Atom AA tryouts was last night. We arrived at the arena thinking we were 15 minutes early, turns out the time was changed to 5:30 so we were actually late! Instead of having 30 minutes to get dressed he only had 15. Poor kid! Anyway, it was kind of cool because this tryout was no scrimmage or running drills, it was an actual game. Like with real game jerseys and everything.

Right from the get-go, Gunnar was in top form. But the competition was so fierce, and we knew they were only cutting 5 or 6, so I honestly didn't know if Gunnar would be able to edge out those other kids. That's how equally talented they all were. My hubby called to let me know he'd be able to catch the last two periods, which I was ecstatic about, seeing as how the baby was driving me nuts! By the last period I'd had enough (of the screaming, squirming baby) and realized I needed to get that kid home for a much-needed nap. Left No.2 and No.3 with Tyler, and so I missed the last period of the game.

When the guys arrived home, Gunnar looked so dejected and weary, I just knew. "I didn't make the cut" he mumbled and I felt so bad for him. "Its okay honey, you tried your best, you know that right?" He trudged up the stairs and handed me the envelope, "You better look at this." I took the strip of paper out and one word jumped out at me "Congratulations". He'd made the Atom AA team!! I looked at him, standing there grinning ear-to-ear, "Tricked you!" I immediately burst into tears, sobbing, laughing, grinning, shrieking. "I'm so damn proud of you Gunnar!"

So he was strutting around here last night, chest puffed out, high on victory. I was just as bad, grabbing him whenever he came near me to give him a big ole' hug (which he tried to make seem like he didn't want, but there was always that huge grin). Took forever to get that kid into bed for the night, he was so hyped up. Haha.

It wasn't until later that night that I realized just what I was in for. Being on a AA team means more practices, games further away, more tournaments... *sigh* I just hope that kid knows that when he's in the NHL, I expect free front-row seats at every home game.

What would YOU say?

Well folks, its come to that time where my kids, Gunnar in particular, are asking me personal questions and I find that I'm struggling to come up with the 'right' answer. 'Right' meaning honest and straight-forward, but not too specific. Here is the question that was put to me the other night:

"Mom, have you ever done drugs?"

My heart sank. How was I to answer that? I've always done my best to be truthful with my kids. And yet, you don't want them to get the impression that because mom or dad did something, they can too. Or that its an acceptable, normal, expected behaviour. Also, how specific should you be? I've been very open with my kids when it comes to talking about drugs, which ones are extremely dangerous and addictive, the damage that drugs to your body, your family, your life. We've talked about peer pressure and how hard, but necessary, it is to say no sometimes and stay true to your beliefs. Due to my slight Nirvana obsession, we've even had talks about Kurt and Courtney's heroin addiction, and the tragic role it played in their lives. However, I'm not naive enough to think they will never do drugs, and I've been honest about that too, which is why I've been upfront about which drugs are extremely dangerous and should be avoided, mainly heroin, meth and cocaine, and which ones are considered less harmful, like marijuana. If my child is at a party when he's 14 and offered drugs, I'd rather he choose the joint than the lines on the table. Of course, saying no to both would be my first choice, but is that likely, I don't know.

Its important for children to be informed so they can make decisions they'll feel strongly about. If a parent says don't do drugs because 'they're bad' or 'because I say so', that parent has set their child up for failure, in my opinion. If the child doesn't know what 'bad' entails, they'll think it can't be that bad. And I think we all know that a weak answer like 'because I say so' is practically daring the child to rebel. That's why I love the show Intervention, because its one thing to explain about addiction and the horrible tragic effects drugs have (not just on the user, but their entire family). Its entirely different when they can see what those people are going through and witness the damage.

Another thing that I wonder about is at what age do you give full disclosure? Obviously you wouldn't tell a 6 year old the specific details, their mind isn't ready or capable for handling that information. You don't want to be condescending either (kids pick up on that) and say 'oh you're too young to hear about that'. Nowadays, in this fast-paced world where kids are seeing violent and explicit images on tv, advertising, video games, magazines, being properly informed is crucial. They need to be taught right from wrong but more importantly, they need to know the reasoning behind it. So yes, age 6 is too young but do you wait until they are 18 and technically an 'adult' and better able to understand? A friend of mine found out a few years ago that her dad, someone she had always thought to be anti-drug, did a particularly "bad" drug with all his friends at a party once. She was totally shocked and said it almost felt like a betrayal. Here was her dad, someone she'd always looked up to as a role model, and it had been comforting to know he was "good". To find out he was just as human as the rest of us was disappointing. So if my child is going to find out I did some idiotic things in my past, would I rather him think I'm an idiot from day one or find out at a later date and think I'm a hypocrite?

Another thing to consider is what role does a person's childhood experiences play in the decisions they make? Someone who grows up in a household with an alcoholic or drug-user parent, will they come away from those experiences thinking "I'll never be like that" or will it be "Well they did it"? Speaking from personal childhood experiences, I learned that most things are okay in moderation. My parents were bikers so of course I witnessed some wild and crazy behaviour at gatherings, but all of us kids (not just me and my siblings, but the kids of everyone else) just chalked it up to "those crazy parents" and did our own thing. Some things affected me more than others. Being a very mature child, I was more concerned with the loss of dignity and control when I saw someone drunk and staggering, I just thought "Wow, I never want to look foolish like that". Which is why its rare for me to get 'wasted' as an adult, I don't like to lose that control over myself. I'd rather have a wicked buzz than a blackout.

So, back to the drug question. With all these thoughts running around in my head, it took me a while to formulate an answer. After much consideration, the best I could manage was this:

"You know, Gunnar, that I always want to be as honest as I can be with you. And I'm glad that you come to me when you have questions like this. Sometimes though, you have to remember that its my life you're asking about, and some things are very personal. Okay? And just because I chose to do something doesn't mean that I made the right choice, do you understand? So I will be honest with you and tell you that yes, I have done drugs when I was younger. Sometimes it was because I was in a situation where everyone else was doing it and I wasn't confident enough to say no. Other times it was because I thought it made me look cool. But you know what I found out? That my true friends didn't care if I said no, they were still my friends. And sometimes, when you do something to look 'cool', you can end up looking like a total idiot. Do you know what I mean? Like for example, when I was about 11-12, for some reason it was considered 'cool' to wear huge plastic baby soothers around our necks and we would walk around sucking on them. Yeah, I know. Idiotic, right? Now I'm totally embarrassed I ever wanted to do that, but do you know what? My parents took that soother away from me after the first time I wore it and even though I was kinda mad at the time, now I'm so relieved they did that. But here's the most important thing of all - no matter what you do, your dad and I will always love you and be there for you. Its okay to make mistakes, everyone does at some point, and its okay if you make the wrong decision, because Lord knows I have too. Its easy for me to be proud of you when you do the right thing, but its more important for you to be able to be proud of yourself. If you knowingly do something shameful or something you know in your heart is wrong, you will have to live with that for the rest of your life. Not to mention that at some point, your own kids will ask you a question and only you will know if the answer you give is truthful or not. Do you get what I'm saying?"

And I think he does get it. I hope I handled that okay, but I guess I won't know that until he's older and I see how he chooses to deal with certain things. Its so hard being a parent, you're always second-guessing yourself and wondering if you're doing more harm than good.

So, what do you guys think? Has anyone ever gone through this, and how did you handle it? Please leave a comment, I'll take all the advice or suggestions I can get.

Top 10 Men I'd cheat on my husband with (you know you would too!)

Ladies, try to contain yourselves. You are about to experience a total sensory overload and the, uh, stimulation might be too much. Just take deep breaths and if you need to leave the room for a quick break, remember to wipe that satisfied smirk off your face before your man sees it and starts to wonder.

You can thank me later.....

Brad Pitt, of course. All my highschool girlfriends' obsessions with him started with Legends of the Fall but for me, it was Fight Club. All that aggressive, sweaty, ripply muscled goodness... *faint* Not to mention him as Achilles in Troy, don't you just want to sink your teeth into those rock-hard thighs...

P.S. Ladies, look at him in this pic, just look at him, legs spread wide... He's totally calling my name, he wants me so bad. I'm coming Brad, I'm coming! (not in the literal sense, you sickos, although....)

Johnny Depp. The cheekbones that can cut glass, those dark soulful dreamy eyes, the silky hair, the perfect lips... For some reason, the fact that he always chooses off-beat characters to play makes him all the more hottttttt. Like in Sleepy Hollow, when he faints from fright, why do I love that so much? He puts the 'bod' in Ichabod.


Viggo Mortenson. He came to my attention playing the Devil in The Prophecy (all-time fave movie) but it wasn't until LOTR that he started playing the starring role in my nightly dreams. I could watch him battle Orks til the Hobbits come home. And in Return of the King, when he gently rejects that blonde hussy because he only wants Arwen, now that's a real man...

The Rock, otherwise known as Dwayne Johnson. I don't care what you say, the man can act. And he's funny! Did you see Be Cool (the sequel to Get Shorty), where he plays the gay hitman? Oh, and of course Rundown, with that Stiffler guy. My fave part of that movie was when him and Stiffler eat that fruit and they're hallucinating. I definitely have a few wrestling moves I could show him....

Triple H, now that's a whole lotta man! A bit veiny perhaps, but mmmm, that hair, the strong manly face, all those muscles, the lickable skin... *thud* Sorry, I just fell off my chair.

Oh, and you gotta love a man who's not afraid to wear skin-tight black leather man-panties with his name written on the crotch.

Gerard Butler in 300 (ignore those other 2 yahoos, this was the only pic I could find that showed his awesome thighs). I only think he's do-able in 300, he totally went back to scrawny after this movie. And that iconic scream, "This...is...Sparta!" Oh, and when he kicks that bad guy into the bottomless pit, so aggressive! Okay, now I'm starting to get tingly...

Hugh Jackman. Just look at the man! Wide sculpted chest, huge pecs, rippled abs, strong thighs, gawd even his calves drive me crazy. Add the wild-man sideburns and I'm a goner. Sorry, ladies, this one is MINE!

P.S. Look what a good daddy he is! Did you know he's married to an older woman and they've been together for like 15 years or something? I hope she knows how lucky she is!

James Franco. See, its not just all about the muscle-bound hunks. This is one pretty boy I could teach a few things...(lol) Something about the dark sultry eyes and the lean bod does it for me. I can't even say he's all that hot in any roles he's played, he's just got that special something. Can you think of anything he's been in besides Spiderman?

Christian Bale. Oh baby, look at that pic in all its slick soapy wonder (c'mon, just show us like six-to-eight inches more, in the southly direction! he he). His Supreme Hotness has it all -- dark brooding intensity, slightly sinister, extreme intelligence... I fell in love with him in Swing Kids ("Nooooooo, don't go to the dark side! Hitler's a jerk, what is wrong with you, Christian! Nooo...!"). Some of his roles have been, shall we say, a little creepy (American Psycho, anyone?) but you can't deny the man has got it goin' ON!

Anthony Kiedis. Ohgod, I've now officially hit overload status. This pic... can't...stop...staring! Oh, to be that sock! (I might have to take a break myself, lol.) Don't judge me, you know you feel the same. I searched endlessly for that pic of him from Under the Bridge, running, with long hair and bared chest (that's how he appears in my dreams) but as soon as I saw this pic, I was done. Actually, when I first met Tyler he looked just like Anthony in that video. Long dark hair, wicked back tattoo, tanned, ab-tastic... is it any wonder I jumped him after a month of being "just roommates"?

So there you have it, ladies, the Top 10 Men I'd cheat on my husband with. What do you think, am I missing anyone? Let me know in the comments who's on YOUR list...

Just call him "The Cros"

You know, its a special kind of hell that us hockey parents live in. On one hand, you are proud that your child is part of an honored Canuck tradition, that he's learning about teamwork and commitment, that he's getting regular exercise, that he is doing something that may influence his future (NHL, here he comes!). On the other hand... we spend hours in cold, run-down arenas, there's the endless traveling, early mornings, parent meetings, mandatory volunteering, cramped fingers from lace-tying, $$$$$, and of course the obscene stench of wet hockey gear. *shudder*

So this weekend it was all about the AA tryouts. Last year, we went through the process but unfortunately, Gunnar didn't make it past the first cut. This year, it was quite a different story. The Atom Director left me a message with the Saturday tryout times, 11am and 2pm. Since you have to be there a 1/2 hour early to get dressed, we showed up around 10:15. You know, so Gunnar could have a chance to mingle with all his hockey buddies, get his pinney, etc, before change time. I wondered why the parking lot was so empty. Turns out the tryout was at 11:30 and the Director must have thought he was being helpful by saying 11. Grrrrrrr. So we spent half an hour driving around to kill time (on the plus side, Tim Hortons coffee, mmmmmm).

The players get three guaranteed ice-times (this must be to pacify the parents who shelled out the $80), the last of which is where they do the first cut. The first two tryouts were all about running drills, doing laps, stretching, showing their passing and shooting skills, you know, grunt work. Gunnar came through with flying colors, of course, though I did explain to him its not just skill and ability they're looking for, but consistency. The third tryout was all about the scrimmage. He played extremely well, but there was still something missing. By the end of it, he was utterly exhausted, his leg was hurting, and he looked like a little sweat-hog. He opened the envelope and there it was - an invitation to attend the next AA tryout, he made the cut!! We talked about the next tryout, how the coaches now know how skilled and experienced he is, but are now looking for aggression and initiative. Not knocking kids around and checking, but the total willingness to get in there and take that puck away from everyone.

You guys, he was AWESOME. When there was a pile of kids fighting for the puck, he cut through them all, grabbed that puck, and raced for the net. Wherever that puck went, he was there. He was playing offence and defence. He showed teamwork, working together with his best bud Tucker, passing back and forth. He showed skill and ability, handling that puck like a pro, keeping it away from everyone while he took shots at net. Where the other kids were showing definite signs of exhaustion, he powered on, taking huge lunging strides as he whipped back and forth. You could not tell that he was hurting and utterly exhausted.

I sat there in the arena and struggled not to cry, that's how proud I was. He was like a shining star and I had NO DOUBT that he would make this cut. Which, of course, he did!! As we sat in the vehicle and celebrated, I told Gunnar how proud of him I was, but that most of all, he should be proud of himself. I think that ever since he started playing hockey, he's struggled with feeling like he is equally skilled and able as the other players. I've watched him play his hardest and steadily improve over the years, but for some reason, that certain spark of true dedication always seemed to be missing. If the players fought for the puck, he'd stand back and watch. It was like he was afraid of getting in there and looking foolish if he didn't get the puck, or tripped, or knocked someone over. Yesterday, watching him take that leap of faith and get right in there, not just that but actually taking that puck from everyone, it was like the transformation was complete. Finally, he felt confident in himself and his strength and ability. After that, there was nothing stopping him.

So even if tonight's tryout doesn't turn out like we expect, its fine because this experience has finally taught him that YES HE CAN. And for once in all my years of being a hockey parent, I can say, "I can't WAIT for hockey to start!!"

10 Things you should never say to your PMSing wife...

Unless, of course, you LIKE sleeping on the couch.

• "Psssst, hey honey, wake up. I know its like 5am and you've been up with the baby 4 times already, but I'm late for work and I think the dumb cat peed on the floor downstairs. Bye!"
• "Wow, the neighbor has really lost weight! Those are some tight jeans she's wearing..."
• "Um, I don't know if you know this but, uh, your hair is, um, kind of a mess!"
• "So, when's supper?"
• "I think the baby has a stinky diaper."
• "Just so you know, when you parked last night, the front tire's up on the sidewalk."
• "Honey, I'm home....Oh. You're still in your pajamas?"
• "Psssst, hey babe, wake up. I think the baby is crying."
• "Geez, what's wrong with you today? Take a valium or something!"
• "Hey baby, c'mere, mmmm you smell good. Let's go to our room..."

Grandmas are the best!!

Remember your favorite grandma when you were a kid, the one who spoiled you rotten, had the warmest hugs, the pillowy bosom, the comfiest bed? She made the best *insert food item here* (in my case, it was Grandma Alyce's cinnamon buns, yummmmm), sang you songs with her lovely voice, let you do whatever you wanted, and always surrounded you with her comforting presence. I've always known my kids were lucky to have 3 special "Grammas" (Granny Hag, Gramma DeeDee, and Gramma Niki - or Mickey as Lena used to say) and it hit me, as Mom and I were going through Grandma Alyce's memory box, just how special they all are, in their own ways.

Grandma DeeDee, I can remember being a kid and thinking you were the Coolest. Grandma. Ever. Period! With your convertible corvette, the eternal tan, the silver hair, the gold sliver in your tooth (and I think you even had a little diamond stud in there at one time, or am I imagining that?), the stylish clothes. When we got to see you, it was like Christmas. We were so excited! Nowadays, the corvette and the gold tooth are gone, but the excitement remains. Gramma DeeDee always has that huge box of "vintage" toys (I say vintage because some of them are still around from my childhood!); the hugest, most comfiest bed in the world that we all make excuses just so we can go lay on it ("I ate too much, I need to lay down"). When I was a young mom and going through some tough times, Gramma DeeDee was always there for me. When it was freezing cold outside, she'd show up in the wee hours of the morning to drive me to work, so I wouldn't have to walk those six blocks by myself in the dark. When I had loads and loads of laundry, she would let me use her washer & dryer (even though it took hours to get it all done) so I wouldn't have to use the laundromat. One time I found myself in the utterly humiliating position of having to ask for a temporary loan until payday, because my last cent had just went to rent and the baby had no diapers. All this she did for me with no hesitation at all, no questions asked, no judgement or 'helpful' advice, just with pure unconditional love in her heart. Everyone should be so lucky to have a special woman like this in their life.

Grandma Niki, it was always a special treat to go to your house when we were kids. (Because Grandma lived so far away, it wasn't often that we got to see her and Grandpa Ray.) Your house was like a treasure trove of interesting, cool stuff. Us kids would spend hours downstairs, looking at the black-and-white pictures of Grandpa Ray when he was a water-bomber pilot, scaring the bejeebus out of little Levi with the wolf pelt ("Hey Levi, come downstairs, we want to show you something!"), hiding in the little space under the stairs whenever the parents would call for us. Grandma Niki had the nicest dogs, loyal steadfast German Shepherds that would let us pet them (you know that over-eager way kids pet, its more like PET, PET, PET as the dog silently prays for you to stop). Grandma Niki knew of my secret love of Harlequin novels and would pick up boxes and boxes for me, keeping them at her house until we came to visit and then "secretly" giving them to me. She knew I couldn't get enough of them, but was embarrassed for anyone to know, hence the reason for secrecy. And us kids always thought it was so cool that Grandma collected owl figurines, of all shapes and sizes. This certainly made it easy for us to get her Christmas gifts, because we knew no matter how ugly or awkwardly-made, Grandma would always ooh-and-ahh over them like they were the best gifts ever!

And so now we come to the next generation, my children, and they have their Granny Hag. I cannot even begin to explain how special you are to my kids, Mom. You are the sun in their sky, the joy in their hearts. They know that when they are with you, they are the most special, wonderful, beautiful grandchildren ever. You make them feel like they are the centre of your universe, as they feel like you are the centre of theirs. There is nothing more exciting than getting to spend the night with Gramma. At Gramma's house they can eat messy food in your bed, splash around in the tub for as long as they want, gorge themselves on chocolate chips and mini marshmallows, drink 'nectar' from their special cups, watch cartoons all day long... Gramma brings crayons and coloring books to the arena when she comes to watch Gunnar, not to mention their "arena money" just for gumballs and taco-in-a-bag. Gramma buys them Kinder Surprises (which Mommy always says no to), just in exchange for a kiss. Gramma has Gameboys and Nintendo DS's at her house with "tons of games", just for when they come over. And each child has their very own pillow and blanket, for when they all crowd into Gramma's bed at the end of the night. I could go on and on with all the many ways you show just how much you love and appreciate them, but I'll short out Gunnar's laptop if I cry on it anymore.

So everyone reading this, take a moment to remember those special Grammas, and please, please, if you are lucky enough to still have them in your life, let them know it!

"Mom, I'm boooored..."

When I was growing up, us kids learned pretty darn fast not to say we were bored if my mom was anywhere in the vicinity, unless we wanted to do things like organize the storage bins in the barn or pick rocks in the ditch. So I've tried my best to instill that same fear in my kids. LOL! Here are some of the responses I've come up with when my kids make that mistake and I hear that b-word come out of their mouths.

• "You're bored? Me too! Let's watch a movie. What! Really? No, I meant go clean your room." ('cause I'm mean like that, lol)


• "Here's the vacuum, get to it. And don't forget the baseboards!"


• "Perfect! Being bored means you're actually tired. Naptime!"


• "Okay good, see this huge pile of unopened mail from the last two weeks? You can read, right? Anything that says 'Congratulations, you've won...' goes in this here garbage pile, anything in an envelope goes here, and the rest is litter-box liners. Get to it!"


• "When I was a kid and I was bored, my dad made me write lines...Wait, where are you going? Stop running and get back here...!"


• "You know what? Its about time you learned how to fold! Lets start with mom's bras and panties, okay? Darnit, stop running away all the time!"


• "I think I saw a Monopoly game downstairs - what do you mean Monopoly sucks? I'll have you know I played Monopoly when I was a kid and I loved it! Okay, you're right, it DOES take forever to finish, and I guess it IS pretty frustrating always being sent to jail. And hey, just because someone is the banker doesn't mean they always cheat and sneak $500 bills when no one is looking! I did that one time, c'mon! Okay, FINE, you're right, Monopoly sucks!"


• "Well, how about some icecream? Doesn't a nice big fat bowl of icecream with whipped cream and chocolate sauce and sprinkles sound great? Don't you wish you could have some right now? (pause) Too bad 'cause we don't have any!" *sound of kids crying while you laugh maniacally* (This is actually an inside joke in my family, love you Dad!)

Morning Musings

One of the most horrifying discoveries that a caffeine-addicted mom of 4 can find, stumbling into the kitchen bleary-eyed at 7am, is an empty coffee canister. Desperate and willing to drink anything with that sweet jolt of caffeinated bliss, tea becomes the likely option. Just be aware that trying to trick yourself into thinking its coffee you're chugging back by adding french vanilla, does not work.

Being so caught up on laundry that the clothes worn the day before are already washed and folded on top of the dryer, is not necessarily a good thing. As the boys were about to head out the door this morning, I asked to see what shirts they were wearing (to make sure they were clean, school-appropriate, etc). Ardan says, "You know, that skull shirt." Um, what skull shirt? Do you mean the skull shirt you wore yesterday? "Yeah, that one." But you wore that shirt YESTERDAY. "Yeah, I know, but its clean! I found it on top of the dryer!" Ardan, you can't wear the same shirt two days in a row, even if its been through the wash. People will think we're poor and you only own two shirts! "But its my favorite shirt!" I don't care! "So...you want me to change it?" Uh, YEAH! Oh but wait, what time is it? 8 o'clock?!?! You're late! Crap!! Never mind, go go GO!! Remember 'dirty is better'? Well there's another prime example.

Is there anything cuter than a naked baby madly toddling down the hall, screaming gleefully at the top of his lungs, because he knows its bathtime? Naked baby buns a-jigglin', chubby little legs pumping, arms flailing... I gotta get that on video for you guys, its so frickin' adorable!

Even a Donald Duck fan like myself loses the love after being forced to watch the Huey, Dewey and Louey movie ten times in a row. And let me tell you, that cute "ducky" way they talk is no longer so cute after the third time. Clear your throats dammit! Just saying...

Reading a lot of "spicy" novels is apparently good for the love life. My hubby turned to me the other night, as we're laying there exhausted and blissed-out, and asked, a bit suspiciously, who came over that day. I was confused, "What do you mean? The neighbor came over with the stupid cat because he escaped again." No, he was convinced I had a boyfriend who'd taught me new "tricks". Uh, okayyyyyyy.... "Well, you never did that before!" I burst out laughing, could not stop, "Well, yeah! I read erotic fiction, babe! Why do you think I read every chance I get? Honey, I probably know enough "tricks" to last until we're old and gray!" So I guess I'm now a femme fatale. That's right, oh yeah, who's the woman? And no, I'm not telling you what I did. A woman's gotta have a few secrets, right? Heh.

Never underestimate the power of icecream. I had my kids running around last night, doing chores left and right, cleaning their rooms, picking up the toys in the backyard (you know, all the stuff I don't want to do), all with the promise of a big fat bowl of icecream. I am so smart, S-M-R-T. I mean, S-M-A-R-T. (Simpsons joke, there. My family will get it.)

Have a great day everyone!

Dirty is...Better?

I'm sure you're thinking, "What's with this woman? How does she have the time to write all these posts? Does she sit on her butt in front of the computer all day?" Its not that I have the time really, but I have a very over-active mind, thoughts and ideas constantly running around in there, and I've found that doing this blog is very therapeutic. So I MAKE the time. The baby is down for his mid-morning snooze, my daughter is snacking and watching Donald Duck, so here I am once again. I refuse to feel guilty about the dishes in the sink, and the load of laundry sitting in the dryer, calling for me to come fold. I was so full of P&V yesterday that I did like a weeks' worth (for me) of house chores. I conquered the Everest of laundry (we're talking six or seven loads, even blankets, which for me is on the bottom of the priority totem pole), vacuumed, windexed, even MOPPED, people. Mopping is hellish, because not only do you have to clear all the chairs out of the kitchen, once the actual mopping is done you have to wait and wait for the floor to dry. During which time my baby is screaming at me from his "cage" (the crib) because he knows whats up and wants at that floor!

As I was cleaning my room this morning, it occurred to me that sometimes, dirty is better. At least when it comes to the house. Here's why I came to this conclusion:

• Opposites attract, therefore - a clean floor attracts footprints, sticky juice spills, crumbs, etc; clean mirrors and glass attract fingerprints; you get the idea. So we can conclude that with a tv covered in baby handprints, one more will not be noticed (plus, how cute is that wee little handprint? Its a memento!), one more layer of dust on a shelf is indistinguishable from the bottom layers, and so on. Makes sense, right? (in a twisted way, lol)
• If the entire house is clean, perfect and wonderful, a precedent will be set. Why can't the house always be this clean? Just what do you do all day? Yesterday, the house was spotless, what chaos occurred today to make it like this? Don't you have any control over these kids? Why are you banging your head against the wall?
• A perfectly clean room looks like a museum, and any size mess stands out. When the entire room is messy, it looks lived-in and comfy.
• You want your guests to feel welcome and at-home, right? What's more welcoming and familiar than a messy house? Its like saying, "See, we're just like you! We're not high-and-mighty perfectionists that won't let you sit on the 'for-display-only' sofa." And that unique smell that every house has? You know that smell. You don't notice it when you're in the house, but if you leave and come back, it hits you. That smell is like a fingerprint, unique to every family. I can walk into a house and instantly know several things: if they have pets, what they've eaten for supper, how many kids they have, what they do for fun. Our house smells like four rowdy sweaty kids, two kitties, shoes, gasoline (that lovely odor comes from the many 'toys' in the attached garage, which is right by the front door), and maybe a smidgen of perfume, because I have a small obsession with fragrances (my absolute favorite - Hugo Boss XX). So when people come over, instead of some impersonal no-name air freshener scent, they get "Eau du Kasha" and they feel like they instantly know us. Right? Please say right! lol
• "If cluttered houses are hog heaven, then this house is really heaven on earth." Enough said.
• Showhome-clean houses are downright intimidating. If you go to someone's house, especially a house where there's kids, and its like a showhome, two things go through your mind: where do they find the time, and more importantly, aren't these poor kids allowed to play? Where's the toys? The piles of kids clothes created from the kids stripping down for a good session of wrestling in their underwear? Where's the dollys and costumes and coloring books and legos that show those kids are using their imaginations?
• Last but not least, time spent on endless housework is time not spent with the kids. I can spend an hour washing walls and cabinet doors, or I can cuddle with my daughter as we watch Looney Tunes. Is she going to look back on her childhood and remember how the house was always amazingly clean, or is she going to think, "My mom did crafts and colored pictures with me"? All those old cliches are so true -- childhood goes by so quickly, they're grown before you know it, remember yesterday when you were a baby. I actually feel like a better parent when I ignore the housework and focus on them.

So there's my justifications for why my house is not, and probably never will be, perfectly clean and spotless. Not saying that I wouldn't LOVE a perfectly clean house, but I'm enough of a realist to know it wouldn't stay that way for long. I AM trying to teach the kids to clean up after themselves, and let me tell you, threatening to throw anything on the floor in the garbage works GREAT. But, it backfires real quick when you realize that you just threw that brand new $50 toy in the bag and the kids are daring you with their eyes to follow through. In instances like that, just sneak into your room, stash the toy on the top shelf in your closet, and give it to them for Christmas. They'll be ecstatic to get the toy back after all that time, and you've just saved yourself $50 on Christmas shopping.

By now, you're thinking I'm a lazy messy slob, and cheap to boot. Haha! You know what? All this 'dirty is better' is really my way of tricking my mind into calming the hell down. Do you ever watch Jon & Kate + 8? I'm a lot like Kate. I can be nitpicky, demanding, obsessive about keeping the house clean. I'm not to her extent, where I'm handwashing the kitchen floor up to 3 times a day (I just about puked when I heard her say that!!). But I've had my moments where I've followed the kids through the house, from mess to mess, and hit the boiling point and the kids have ran and hid because a fire-breathing dragon has consumed their mother. Ha! I laugh about it, but they don't. Hahahaha. So yeah, in moments of "cleaning crisis" where I hear myself threatening them with weeks of grounding because I've stepped on a lego, I take a moment ("Serenity now! Serenity now!" Seinfeld never gets old) and force myself to remember -- kids are kids, messes are messes, what's more important in the grand scheme of things?

It also helps that my hubby has learned through experience not to make any comment whatsoever on the state of the house, the absence of clean underwear in his drawer, and the fact that the tv screen is obscured by a thick, filmy layer of baby handprint upon baby handprint. He's the best hubby a neatfreak-slob could have.