Top 50 Funniest Auto-Corrects of 2011

You HAVE to click on the link and read these. Can't breathe...laughing...too hard...!!!


http://damnyouautocorrect.com/13608/top-50-funniest-autocorrects-of-dyacs-first-year-part-1/

The new camera

My brain & body don't get along :)

My brain gets me in trouble. It convinces me that I'm invincible, that my body's inner workings are still in their 20s. It makes me forget I am actually a decade older. My brain whispers that since I am having so much fun, one more can't hurt. 


And then the next morning, my body tells my brain, "This is all your fault, asshole!"


So Saturday was the Bantam hockey parent's party (the parents of Gunnar's teammates). I know most of them from years before, but there's still a few that are new to me. I had been feeling a little anti-social that day, didn't want to have to get all done up and find nice clothes to squeeze into. But Ty reminded me that this might be the only parent's party for this team this year, and did I really want to miss out on all the fun? So I pulled up my big girl panties, hunted down an outfit, straightened my hair and put on the smoky eyes. 


Sent Ty to the liquor store while all this was happening (because, y'know, being a guy it only took him 5 minutes to get ready, dammit). I was in the mood for caesars instead of syrupy-sweet coolers so the sweetheart got me two 4-packs, both different brands to "see which was better". Honey, its tomato juice and vodka, not gonna be much difference. But whatever, 8 is better than 4, right?


Right before we left I discovered a premade shooter and a lone cooler in the fridge (from the Pearl Jam concert) so I quickly chugged those down. 


Gunnar was our babysitter for the night, an easy $20 for him as the kids were all fed, house was tidied, etc. He had strict instructions to have Ryder and Ardan in bed by 9pm, as Ardan had a game in Stettler the next morning (smart-thinking me arranged a ride for him). Assured him I had my cell if anything happened. The kids settled in for a movie and away we went.


Off to a shaky start as we couldn't find the house at first. I knew Fern Crescent must be somewhere in Fox Run but in my mind it was up past the school. We drove around and around, finally pulled out the GPS which didn't recognize the street. So we headed back to the Fox Run entrance and there it was, the first street on the right. Found the house right away. 


When we walked in, there were only 2 other couples there as well as the parents hosting the party. And we were an hour late, so I thought that didn't bode well. But sure enough, couples started streaming in. Music was cranked, the Oilers game playing in the livingroom for all the guys, everyone setting out their food (it was potluck) in the livingroom. We brought Ty's smoked fish and some ripple chips as our contribution but when we'd first arrived, Ty was like, "This is the last of my smoked fish so I'm going to 'forget' it out here and only come get it if someone asks what we brought, okay?" Haha. 


So, one by one my premade caesar coolers disappeared. The night went by, god I can't even remember what all us hockey moms talked about but I just remember laughing hysterically, at one point my cheeks were literally aching from smiling so hard. I think our conversations covered everything from childbirth and labor, to how brainless 13-yr-old boys are, to drunken idiot husbands, Vegas vacations minus our men, etc.


Two moms in particular, Robin and Dorothy, were definitely the life of the party. I've written here about Robin before (her daughter is Rayna), how she reminds me of my bff Kelly in the way she's  so outgoing and hilarious but slightly scary, haha. And oh man, was she FUNNY that night. And this Dorothy chick! She's a dead-ringer for Catherine O'hara (of SCTV fame) only an older-looking version. Apparently she gets that a lot. (Oh, and her husband could be Steve Carrell -- the Office --, like a perfect clone.) This chick was telling stories that had us doubled over in hysterics. So Dorothy and Robin kept us in stitches.


At one point, Robin started dancing, this hilarious chicken-wing-flapping thing. Even the men had to watch. SO EFFIN FUNNY. Then I commandeered the ipod and put on an Adam Lambert song (If I Had You, the only one on there, boooo, I'd have preferred Strut) and me and Robin started bustin' a move. Then Dorothy got up to dirty dance with Robin, except it was more like two big broads both doing the chicken-wing and bumpin' butts. We were screaming with laughter. 


My drinks were disappearing fast, then someone brought out the Jaeger. I'd heard of it, who hasn't, but never tried some so there went a couple of shots. Tastes like black licorice. S'okay. 


Couples started leaving around midnight. Looked like most of the men were the DD's and just let their women party hard, thought that was nice and kinda cool. Not MY husband, of course (first time he'd drank since the gout incident a couple months ago, so I let him have fun, we were gonna get a cab home anyway). Eventually there was just us, another young couple (the girlfriend was convinced she knew me somehow but we couldn't figure out how, since she's from out east), and the host couple. Our cab never showed so the young couple drove us home; they'd arrived late and didn't really drink. 


I don't recall too much about what happened after we arrived home. I DO know I updated my facebook status and commented on some people's pictures, I saw what I'd written (posted at 2:13am)--


mAY BE just be a taddd bit tipsy onght, parents hockey party ,, wooha. Gunnar earned his first $20 babystitting money. GOod job kid. Came home to a quiet house, kids in bed. LOOOVeee these hockety parents, had a great time onight. Mayy have dance d to a Adam Lambert song, diryt danced with robyn. fun fun fun


I woke up at 4am (know this because I remember glancing at the clock), chugged two water bottles back-to-back with two super-strength Advil migraine pills. Staggered drunkenly back to bed. Next thing I knew sun was pouring into the bedroom. Stumbled into the kitchen, 11-frickin-30am! 


"Where's Ardan!? Did you wake up in time to get him ready? He's gone, right?"


Ty calmed me down. "Yes, your alarm woke me up at 7:45. I got him up, fed him breakfast, gave him $20. Dawn came and picked him up around 9. Don't worry."


Phew. Funny that I didn't even remember setting the alarm. Looked down at myself, PUKE on my shirt. What the hell? Did not remember puking. 


Gunnar teased me about how he had heard me upstairs when we came home, laughing and giggling and bumping into things. I looked at Ty, "Don't look at me, I was passed out on the couch." Huh. I don't remember any of that. Don't even know how I got to bed.


Oh, and there's a HUGE dark reddish-brown bruise on my inner forearm that I have NO CLUE how it got there. Hurts like a mutha but how or when I got it that night is a mystery.


My hangover didn't let up until about 6pm on Sunday, despite drinking water bottles non-stop and taking two more of those Advils. (I ignored the warning, "Do NOT exceed more than 3 in 24 hours, only take one pill every 4 hours. Pffft!)


Gunnar had a game starting at 6:15pm. Even though he's off because of the concussion (they recommend two weeks before returning to the game), players are still expected to show up so we all decided to go. After all, half the fun of drunken debauchery is talking about it the next day. Plus, I wanted to see if everyone else's hangovers were as bad as mine. 


Ty dropped me off at my vehicle (we'd left it there) and first thing that hit me when I opened the door... the smell of fish. Those damned stupid effin' smoked fish had sat in there all night and all day. GROSS!


At the arena, our team manager, Nikki (a Type-A if I ever saw one, but it looks good on her), said she had video of us ladies dirty-dancing. I was smug, "No-no-no, it was Robin and Dorothy who were dirty dancing, not me.", "Oooh girl, YOU WISH." Whaaaa?? Then she said her phone had died just as she started recording so there wasn't any 'evidence' to convict us. Phew! LOL


So yeah, that's the story about my night of drunken debauchery... and I'm sticking to it.

Made me laugh

This is Halloween!

Its that time of year again...! Out come the Halloween boxes, the kids get so excited looking through everything and putting all the decorations up. And of course, watching our favorite Halloween movies and tv specials.


(Ryder prefers the Marilyn Manson version of this song, which is why I used this clip.)


(This was Gunnar's absolute favorite movie, of all time, when he was around Ryder's age - maybe even a bit younger. To this day he enjoys watching it, as do the rest of us.)


(One of my favorite parts of the movie, "C'mon down, we'll...*slap, slap*... chewww on a dawg!")

'Man of 10,000 Noises'

Thanks to Crazy Days and Nights for the video...
"Remember Police Academy? Remember Michael Winslow? Now you will remember him for something entirely different. It is amazing. It is Led Zeppelin done better than Led Zeppelin all with just one microphone and an acoustic guitar."

Manic Monday

6:45am: Alarm goes off. Drag my butt out of bed, knock on the kids' doors, *singsong voice* "Good morning, time to wake up!". Transfer clothes from washer to dryer, fold clothes from dryer. Double-check that Lena and Ardan are awake. (Note: Gunnar did NOT go to school under doctor's orders, as he received a mild concussion from a vicious hit-to-the-head at yesterday's game.)


7:00am: Unload dishwasher, load dirty dishes. Wipe counter tops and table. Start making kids lunches. Lena and Ardan get themselves some cereal and milk, then leave to brush teeth. Yell at kids, "I need your lunch kits! And agendas!" Mild panic and hysteria as kids realize they need warm coats and hats, as the temperature reads below zero. Sounds of chaos and things-going-bump downstairs, I'm envisioning hats and coats being flung every which way as they rummage through the cubby area. Kids rush back upstairs wearing proper outerwear. Backpacks are packed. More panic when Ardan remembers its swimming day at school, he runs back downstairs to find a swimsuit and towel. In the midst of all this, little Ryder wanders into the kitchen, sleep-flushed and cuddly. Set out a bowl of cereal for my little dickens; the kids give him goodbye hugs and kisses, then out the door they go.


7:45am: Turn the tv on, channel 14, Thomas the Train. Ryder grabs his hockey blankey and pillow and makes a nest on the couch. I make myself some tea with splenda and skim milk, then settle in at the laptop for some early morning celeb gossip, facebook updates, email and reading. Email Gunnar's coach with an update on his situation and to let him know Gunnar won't be at tonight's practice.


8:00am: Ty rushes out of the bedroom, "I forgot to tell you last night that we were supposed to wake Gunnar up every two hours! Can you go check on him? You're supposed to ask him questions like does he know his name, where he is." So downstairs I go to wake up a slightly grumpy, typically-tired 13 year old boy, "Hey, hey. Wake up, honey. What's your name?" He looks at me like I'm insane. "Gunnar" like, DUH Mom. "Where are you right now?", "I'm in bed, trying to sleep.", "Oh, okay, sorry hon, go back to sleep." Back upstairs to report in with Ty, then back to the laptop and my now-lukewarm tea.


9:00am: Pangs of housewife guilt send me back downstairs to throw in another load of laundry. Feed and water the cats. Decide to finish cleaning out the hockey closet (two days prior, I'd hauled everything out, searching through bags and boxes, looking for Ardan's name bars from last season); throw all the socks, jerseys, towels, under armor, etc into a hamper, hauled that to the laundry room. Repacked an old hockey bag with nothing but too-small skates, filled a cardboard box with equipment odds and ends. Sprayed the everlovin' sh*t outta both sets of boys' equipment with special hockey deodorant/sanitizing spray. Phone rang, its the school telling me that the zipper on Lena's winter coat is broken; it is stuck way up high by her neck, none of the teachers can get it off her, I give my permission to cut the dang thing off her, and that I will be by around noon with another coat for her. *sigh*


9:30am: Upstairs to make Gunnar some breakfast: two yogurt cups, slices of cantaloupe, juice box, water bottle, two slices of raisin toast with vanilla-sugar sprinkled on top, and a mandarin orange. All arranged artistically on a big tray. Take it downstairs and lay it beside him on his ginormous bed, he is appropriately thankful. I feel that somewhere, someone is giving me extra brownie points for being a good mom, haha. But, alas, its back to the cleaning groove downstairs for me.


10:00am: Took a peek into the cubby area to assess the damage of the morning's frantic search for winterwear. Decided to haul out all the bins and bags of hats, mitts, winter boots and coats. Discovered an old, dried-out pile of cat diarrhea, NIIIICE. Yelled for Ty to bring me down an ice cream bucket with a splash of Mr Clean and a sponge. Filled the bucket with water, liberally soaked down the area. Discovered that one of the kids play tents absolutely reeked of cat urine, threw it in the dump pile by the back door. Rearranged a whole bunch of stuff: moved Ty's hunting stuff into the back corner, put five pairs of rollerblades into a bin, moved all the sleeping bags onto a shelf. Hauled out a bunch of stuff for Value Village. Yelled to Ty to let me know when it was 11:30. Continued cleaning, organizing and sorting.


11:30am: Back upstairs (having been distracted from my original purpose of sorting mitts and hats by the cleanup of the cubby room itself) to get ready to take Ryder to playschool at 12:15. Got dressed, washed my face, brushed teeth and hair, light application of makeup. Fed Ryder lunch. Cleaned him up, got him dressed nicely in his new dark-grey preppy shirt and light-khaki cords, new white velcro sneakers, and brown-and-white hoody. Yell down to Gunnar that we are leaving and should be home soon.


12:15pm: About to leave and Ty decides to come with so we can go to Rona afterwards to pick up some plywood for the deck. Almost forget Lena's replacement coat, have to run back inside to get it. Drop Ryder off at playschool, he wants Daddy to "help" walk him into class. I give Ty the old 'heads-up, your zipper is down' nod, saving him from potential humiliation. More brownie points for being a good wife. 


12:30pm: Drop off Lena's coat at the school, then its off to Rona for plywood. Spend 10 minutes looking up and down the paint aisles for a certain kind of paint that Ty wants, no dice. Drive over to Canadian Tire. Once we get in there, he heads one way to look at paint, I head another to quickly check out winter coats at Mark's Work Warehouse, no luck. Grab a cart and start stocking up on household things that are on sale: giant laundry hampers for the boys, cleaning products, halloween candy, ghost outdoor miniature lighted lawn stakes, paper towel, etc. Start searching for Ty, sometimes I can smell his cologne so I know he's been down that aisle but I'm always just that much late to catch him. Finally I head to the fishing aisle but see him looking at hockey sticks. He tells me they don't have that kind of paint, either, so we take our stuff to the checkout and leave. Now we're going to TimberMart.


2:00pm: Ty goes in to make the order for plywood, I stay in the truck. He comes out and directs me to the supply yard, where I'm to back up to a certain spot so the worker can load our wood. Then I have to drive over to the 'blue doors' and back up once again so the worker can unload two sheets of the wood to cut them. Ty tells me that the worker advised us NOT to paint the plywood, at this time of year the paint wouldn't set right and it would just be a waste of money. Wow, what an honest guy, I'm impressed. Finally, we are done! A quick stop at Subway to pick up a tuna footlong for Gunnar, and then back to Ryd's playschool for hometime, with a few minutes to spare. Ryder informs me it was picture day today. I am shocked because I thought picture day was Wednesday but he is adamant. Thank God I dressed him nicely today, is all I can think.


3:15pm: Back home. Gunnar comes upstairs to eat, I make Ryder and Ty something to eat. Another load of laundry. Unload dishwasher. Wash frying pans and a sinkful of glasses (my damn dishwasher can never clean them properly!). Try to convince Ryder that a nap would be great, no dice. Clean up after Gunnar and Ty. 


4:00pm: Ardan and Lena get home from school. They are hungry so a bowl of cereal it is. (Hey, I'm tired. Sue me.) Lena empties her knapsack all over the table, papers and toys and lunch kit and books everywhere. She wants to read to me a home-reading book, I mark it down in her folder when she's done. Tell Ardan that he can rest for a bit and chill out but he MUST, absolutely HAS TO do certain chores tonight: Gunnar's papers, take out the garbage and recycling, and get his hockey gear together for pictures tonight at 7pm. Lena comes out of her room dressed in her gymnastics gear and then I remember that that's tonight. Phone rings, its mom with a migraine, can't take Lena. No worries, though, Ty's going to make supper and watch Ryder. My neighbor Nikki phones to ask if I can take Helena, of course we can! This, however, changes Ryder's mind and now he will NOT be dissuaded from coming with us. Throws a huge crying, yelling tantrum and I give in (which I will later regret). Load all the kidlets up in Suzi, swing by Nikki's to get Helena, and away we go.


5-6:30pm: The worst hour-and-a-half ever. Lena and Helena are darlings, having so much fun; Ryder is NOT a darling and he is NOT having fun. He insists on sitting on my lap, then wiggles around, clinging to my neck, jostling me, steps on my purse. Begs for money, for food, for a drink  (he brought a water bottle but it wasn't "good enough"), for snacks, for something to do, for us to go home. The kid has a serious case of the farts and continues to let one go about every 5 minutes the entire time we are there. Our section of the bench smells like a barn. He farts on my lap about six times, grossing me out and making me gag each time. I discover I'm sitting by a girl I went to school with who is now the teacher assistant in Ardan's class. We chitchat for a bit. Ryder continues to be whiny and annoying and farty. He asks me, "Why did you make me come here?!", "Uh, excuse me, young man? YOU made ME bring you. You should've stayed home to play with Ardan." Now he's mad at me and lays on the floor, kicking my legs. I'm smiling with gritted teeth, praying for patience and for this GD class to be over soon. Nikki shows up in the last ten minutes with Helena's twin brother, Lachlan. Finally Ryder has a buddy to play with! Nikki and I chat it up, I hang my head in mortification when Ryder farts on me, AGAIN, and the overpowering smell coats the air around us. "So sorry Nikki, just breathe through your mouth." She assures me its fine, she has a little boy, too. We share a look of motherly disgust. Class is over, the girls have done wonderfully, Lena impressed the hell out of me and everyone else with her fearless skill on the uneven bars. Time to head home.


6:30pm: Come inside the house to the heavenly aroma of barbecued chicken. Brownie points to Ty. House is a disaster. Brownie points taken away. Ardan has already eaten so I tell him to get his hockey gear on for pictures, we will be leaving at 7pm. He wants to bring a change of clothes, I say no way in hell am I waiting around after for him to change, we are gettin' outta there pronto. As we're heading out the door, Ty reminds me were are out of milk. Doh!


7:00pm: Circle the arena to find parking, one space left in the multi-plex side parking lot. Walk to the arena, chat with a few parents, head to change room 5 to meet up with the team. Upstairs for pictures, chat some more with Lenni and Dawn (their sons Dawson and Ethan are Ardan's best friends). Pictures are over, time to do some grocery shopping with Ardan.


8:00pm: Pop into Cobbs to get milk and pop. Hel-LO, look at all the amazing sales! Cases of Kraft Dinner for $8 (pick up three), 12-packs of Campbells tomato soup for $8, toilet paper 2-for-$10.... Needless to say, we go down every aisle to see all the sales. $100 later, we are done shopping and head home.


9:00pm: Ahhh, lovely lovely home! The other kids have now eaten and are watching a show. House is still a disaster. I quickly eat a piece of chicken and drink a pop. Unload and load the dishwasher; do another load of laundry; sweep the kitchen floor; wipe down the counter tops. Get Ryder and Lena dressed for bed, brush teeth, tuck the little tykes in. Gunnar is already in bed, tell Ardan to shower, brush teeth and hit the sack. 


10:00pm: On the couch with Ty. House is quiet except for the show we're watching. I fall asleep and wake up at midnight, gently nudge Ty awake and we head to bed.