Cats...

I love our cats, Pablo and Punkin, you know I do. But sometimes I wish I could just give 'em the good ole Highland Fling right out the front door. What with the girl cat's incessant yowling when she can't find her brother, the overflowing litter box that wafts its stench throughout the entire house, finding tufts of cat hair on your friggin' pillow (meaning the cat's ass was where you lay your head at night!), and of course, the boy cat's obsession with escaping from the house every chance he gets. Its very different being a cat owner as opposed to a dogs', as we are finding out.

So the other day I went into Ryder's room to lay him down for a nap, and when I opened his door out raced Punkin at full speed, like the hounds of hell were after her. I remember thinking Poor thing must have been locked in here and really needs to use the litter box! Thought nothing else of it and laid Ryder in his crib for his nap. A couple hours later Ryder woke up so I carried him out to the kitchen and was holding him in my arms, talking to Tyler. Ty said to me, "What's that all over the side of his face?" At the exact moment he said that to me, a peculiar stench hit my nose. Didn't smell like a dirty diaper, I know that smell. No, this smell was... was... "OHMYFUCKINGGOD, THERE'S DRIED CAT SHIT ON HIS FACE! WHAT... THE.... FUUUCKKKK!!!!" All over his cheek, jaw and the side of his neck, and all down that side of his shirt. Dried, smeared cat shit. I raced to draw a bath and threw the poor kid in, then went into his room to check out the situation. The cat crap was only on one particular blanket, in one section kinda underneath, so I think what happened was Ryder must've rolled over on that blanket while sleeping and that's why it was only on one side of him. The cat obviously crapped under the blanket to hide what it did, that's why I didn't see (or smell) it when I laid Ryder for his nap. I was pretty traumatized. And I didn't see Punkin for the rest of the day, she was hiding, so obvs she knew her ass was grass. Stupid cat!

Flash forward to a couple of days later. I went downstairs to do some laundry and I noticed that it smelled really bad downstairs. Asked the boys if there was something raunchy in the bathroom garbage (no), or maybe some moldering towels (no), or even dishes with rotten food on them somewhere (no). Well, what was the smell and where was it coming from? The boys room smelled kinda stinky, but just the usual little-boy-sweaty-socks-dirty-clothes-unwashed-hair smell. (How sad that I consider that smell "the usual", eh? lol) Eventually I gave up on locating the smell because the downstairs was basically tidy and there was nothing obvious that the smell could be coming from. So I went into the laundry room to throw a load in. That's when it hit me that the smell was coming from in there! It was overpowering! Now, that's where the litter box is so you'd think that would be the source of the smell but the litter box wasn't that bad. I mean, it was semi-full but not to the point of 'horrifying'. I figured maybe there was a particularly nasty towel or dishcloth. Reached into the dirty clothes hamper to grab a handful of clothes to throw in the washer, and closed my hand around...A GINORMOUS FUCKING CAT TURD.

Yes. A gigantic piece of cat shit. A huge log. In my hand. And it wasn't old and dried. No, we're talking fresh and steamy and solid. (At least I found the source of the smell, though!) Why would the cat poop in the laundry hamper when the litter box was three feet away? Some form of revenge for whatever transgression us humans did? Who knows what goes on in the mind of a stupid idiot cat. All I know is that I was just ITCHING to Highland Fling the cat right out into the field across from us, and I know I was screaming and yelling at the top of my lungs because the boys came running. Then there were three of us gagging and retching. Suffice it to say that both cats stayed well and clear from me for the next few days. STUPID CATS!!!!