A Story about Sterility

As I laid in the hospital bed, wearing the gown and robe, all tucked in under a warm blanket, I thought back to the day I'd booked the surgery. Way back in July it was, the 6th, and I remember thinking at the time that five months was forever, and with my luck I'd get pregnant in the meantime. But the months had flown by and here I was, anxiously awaiting my turn in the OR.

The male student nurse, Cameron, chattered happily as he filled in his paperwork and took my vitals. When it came time to insert the IV, I had to tell him, somewhat apologetically, that my veins suck and he should be prepared to search for one for like half an hour. He groaned in misery as only a student nurse can. Even with the help of his supervisor, they were unable to find the vein. Poked the needle in my wrist, yes, but find an actual vein, no.

In came the senior RN and she was not happy to see them fiddling around with this needle in my arm. "I really wish you two would've waited until after she's had her suppository."

Um, what now?! My head whipped toward her in disbelief. "You're kidding right?" She shook her head. Apparently Dr Marais likes his patients to have a suppository before surgery, for pain relief. "Uh yeah, I'd much rather have a pill or something." Another head shake. I was handed the small bullet-shaped object, with some frickin' LUBE (classy) and sent on my merry way to the bathroom.

There's nothing quite like that waddling walk of shame back to the bed afterward, where you know that they know what you were just doing. I did my best to be cool about it.

Finally, the IV was in and after almost an hour of nervous, anxious waiting, a nurse came in to get me and away we went. I was led down a winding hallway, into the OR and helped up on to the table. Its pretty surreal to see a room full of people and know that in a few minutes you'll be out like a light while they all work on your naked body. The anaesthesia was administered into my IV and I was told to keep my eyes open. I remember telling myself, 'Okay, stay awake and remember the exact moment the drug hits you...'

Of course, that thought cut off mid-way and the next thing I knew, I was waking up in the recovery room. In extreme pain. Coming to with the sounds of my own groaning and crying. I honestly did not expect that. I was led to believe that this would be a piddly little surgery, in and out, with minimal recovery time, only needing tylenol for the pain.

LIES!

I'd been the first patient in the OR, yet was the last one to wake up from the anaesthesia. I heard a nurse talking about how the suppository reacts with the anaesthetic and makes recovery harder. Gee thanks Dr Marais. My entire upper back and neck were rigid and stiff, I couldn't even move my neck, and my lower back was on fire. Constant back spasms. I've honestly never felt anything like that since having back labor with the kids. I was literally gasping for breath as I tried to do calming yoga breaths.

Eventually a nurse noticed my agony and brought me some pills. Finally! I thought, only to have her tell me they take up to half an hour to kick in. I frantically tried to alleviate the lower back pain by scissoring my legs in the bed, even attempted to roll to my side to take some of the pressure off. Big mistake. There's no moving around after abdominal surgery. I was a writhing, groaning, moaning, sobbing mess.

I was helped in to a sitting position, then led toward the bathroom so I could go pee. Quite a process in itself. Another nurse came to take me for a 'walk' around the hallway, to help with the back pain. And while it did seem to help for those five minutes, the second I was back in bed it returned with a vengeance. And the pills still hadn't kicked in.

By this time, I'm thinking 'Okay, its gotta be about 2 o'clock, maybe 2:30'. Then I heard a deep voice hesitantly asking "I'm looking for my wife, her name is Beau?" It was Tyler, with Lena and Ryder.

See, my surgery was booked in the Olds hospital, as it would've been up to a 3 YEAR wait for Red Deer. So Hubs had taken the day off work, drove me to the hospital, then toodled around with No.3 & 4 for a couple hours. I'd packed a big lunch for them all that morning, and activity bags, and they'd made plans to visit Bass Pro while I was in surgery. We'd been told the surgery would take 3-4 hours. So by our calculations, he'd come to get me around 2-3pm. So I was thinking, Wow, right on time! when he walked in to the recovery room.

Turns out it was actually 4:30pm! That's how long I'd been out. Poor Ty was looking a little frazzled and who could blame him? Imagine trying to entertain and keep occupied two little kids for over 6 hours! So even though I wasn't physically ready to leave the hospital, mentally and emotionally I wanted the heck outta there. The nurses refused to give me something stronger to help with the pain for the ride home, even after I'd told them we had over an hours' drive home and my back was killing me. Bitches!

So I toughed it out. I was a shaking mess by the time we got home, barely able to walk to the house, barely able to talk. Hubs managed to scrounge up a perc for me and tucked me into a little nest on the couch with a couple of heating pads for my back. Soon I was in a cloud of foggy-headed bliss while the kids anxiously flitted about me, telling me how much they loved me and could they get me anything?

Its kinda nice being 'sick' (as kids see it) sometimes, it provides you with these outpourings of emotions you normally wouldn't be privy to.

The thing with my back, fyi, was caused because of the anaesthetic. (It always come back to that, doesn't it?) When you're put under, laying there, the drug tends to settle in the muscles of your back, especially the shoulders and neck. In my case it also settled in my lower back, and it didn't help that the hospital bed I was in was harder than a rock and my upper body was up on an angle, putting pressure and weight on that area. The nurses said basically all you can do is shoulder-and-back stretching exercises and use heating pads. And its now been three days since the surgery and I can honestly say my back is STILL f*cked up.

As to my 'war wounds', all I have to show for them is two puncture marks, one inside my belly button (*shudder*) and the other two inches below. Its funny, before the surgery as I was laying in the bed waiting, I read over the pamphlet and was astounded to read all these things I should not do before surgery. One of which was shaving the area where the incision would be. "For 10 days prior, one should not shave that area" it read. Um, oops! But seriously, tell me what woman, with a healthy dose of vanity, would just let that area be wild and free when she knew the doctor and nurses would be all up in there? Right? So that was one thing I did wrong. Another was wearing makeup. Of course, I put on makeup, what's it going to harm if I have mascara and lipstick on? Stupid rules.

Overall though, I'm really happy I had the surgery. No more worrying and stressing when it gets closer to that time of the month, wondering if this is month my luck runs out (seeing how Hubs has Olympic swimmers). We can be like rabid little, well, rabbits. Not that we weren't before but now there's no repercussions! Woohoo!

So just a word of advice here, it would probably be a good idea to call before you drop in! You never know what your eyeballs will be witness to, right?

LOL