I have found my Brain Twin

She posted this on my fb wall, see? She gets me. LOL

Have you ever thought to yourself, 'Its a good thing there's only one of me on this planet, the world couldn't handle two of us!'? That was always my thinking until just this past week, when I met this chick on Paul Marron's facebook page. She'd posted stuff and made comments before, so I recognized her name, but it wasn't until she made a particular comment that my ears perked up. It was totally something I would say. So then I started looking for her name, seeing what she'd say, and it was near identical to something I would.


The deciding factor in the 'I need to friend this chick' was a picture she posted and the comment that went with it. I commented on it and she replied 'that is EXACTLY what I was thinking, just didn't want to say it out loud'. Since I've gotten the reputation on his page for saying kinda outrageous stuff (nothing vulgar, don't worry, I toe the line and keep it subtle), she had noticed me too.


So I sent a friend request and the private message conversation has been going strong and steady ever since. Some days we're messaging straight for 6+ hours! On our cells, of course, because we're both busy mamas with things to do, places to go. I won't lie though, a good portion of it involves sitting in front of our laptops for hours after the kids have gone to bed. 


I can recall at least 20, if not more instances, where we both thought and typed the exact same thing at the exact same time. It is so awesome, you guys, knowing that there's another freak out there like me, haha. No matter what I say, or how outrageous it is, she's right there with me, she gets it, and its like her replies are taken straight out of my head.


The only downside is that she lives in So Cal, she's a Cali girl, and has been a "bad influence" on me, say the kids, because I'm now constantly peppering my conversations with 'dude'. I told her this and said I now expect her to pick up my constant 'eh?'s. LOL


So we've coined ourselves the 'Brain Twins'. We have about a hundred BT moments a day. Its awesome. Its like finding the other half of me. We've said so many times, "Are you sure you weren't adopted? Maybe we were twins separated at birth?". We're 'sisters from a different mister', ha. She said 'You're sure you aren't Latina like me?', 'Nope, total whitebread. You're sure you're not Icelandic/German like me?' haha


She lives 10 minutes from Disneyland. So now I'm thinking I need to contact that travel agency and see if we can maybe switch the Florida trip to California. We are that desperate to meet each other in person and see what sorts of mischief we can get up to. Oooh baby, we are going to be Trouble with a capital T. 


Oh yeah, and our private fb messages? We're going 2000+ strong. Crazy!


I love my Brain Twin.

Schlockey Christmas Surprise!

Isn't it funny what your brain remembers, and what it stashes away for an "Oh YEAH!" moment? 


I knew my brothers had been working on a really cool handmade gift for the boys. Trapper came down a few times from Edmonton to help Levi build their surprise gift, and I knew it would be something big and for outdoors. But I had no clue what it could possibly be. Neither the boys or mom would give me any hints; it was to be a surprise for me as well.


Our Simcoe family Christmas dinner was planned for Thursday, Dec 22nd (yesterday), as that was the only day it would work for Trapper and Becky. The boys' big surprise gift was to be unveiled that night. However, that morning I was talking to mom and she just had to tell me. "Its a schlockey board!"
"Huh?"
"You know, schlockey! Don't you remember schlockey?"
"Um, no."
"Beau! Your gym teacher, Mr Rands, at the CP school, made a schlockey board for all the kids to play with at recess and it was such a huge hit, kids would literally line up at recess for a turn. Your brothers got your dad to make them one and they were outside every day for hours on that thing."
"Huh. Really? I don't remember that at all."


I felt like such an idiot, how did I not remember that? But when the big moment arrived and we all went outside to watch the boys' reactions to their surprise present, when I saw the schlockey board I was like, "Oh yeah! Schlockey!" 


It is so cool. Its like a little mini-rink, with two holes in the centre board, and one at each end. Players use a sawed-off hockey stick that has an angled end and they madly bat the puck around until someone scores. 


The time, effort, and care put into the creation of this schlockey board is just incredible, I'm in awe of my brothers. They used regular plywood and boards, painted the surface white and then lacquered it so it would be slippery. They even painted the lines and circles you see on regular rink surfaces, AND they found an Ottawa Senators and Pittsburgh Penguins (the boys favorite teams) decals. 


Well, the gift was a HUGE hit and the boys and their uncles played all night. Gunnar didn't want to go home because the schlockey board was to be delivered by their uncles in the morning, he wanted to keep playing. Thankfully, sweet Trapper drove the board to our house later that night. And sure enough, when I woke up I could hear the sounds of sticks madly slapping and the boys hootin' and hollerin' coming from outside. They must've woke up early and went straight outside. Ardan's friend Dawson came over today and the schlockey marathon was ON. Gunnar strutted inside and bragged "I'm the undisputed schlockey champion, a 21-game winning streak!" So now noone wants to play him anymore, haha. 


So to my brothers I want to say, THANK YOU. You guys rock!

Wow, wtf?

There's hope for them yet...

Saw a group of teens walking up Main Street today, all with poppies proudly displayed on their coats. Very impressed, very proud of today's youth.

'Man of 10,000 Noises'

Thanks to Crazy Days and Nights for the video...
"Remember Police Academy? Remember Michael Winslow? Now you will remember him for something entirely different. It is amazing. It is Led Zeppelin done better than Led Zeppelin all with just one microphone and an acoustic guitar."

THE happiest girl in the world!

She won! She won! Lena won the Justin Bieber tickets! Can you believe it?!

Late last night, around midnight, I had this thought that I should leave a message on fb for Big 105, just a little note saying how much she deserves to win. I said that unlike all the other girls who've entered, Lena's love for him isn't so much a 'crush' as it is admiration and respect; that I overheard her telling an older boy-cousin that she'd like to see HIM get up on stage and sing and dance and not be embarrassed AND earn enough money to buy his mom a house! That she may not have tons of JB swag like the other girls but that is because she spends her own hard-earned money on what she does have (may have exaggerated a bit but she has bought some stuff). That she's been sick and the only bright spot in her day is waking up early to hear if her name's been called, and then having to ease her broken heart when its not. I asked that they not overlook her entry among the hundreds they've received so far, because she is such a sweet special little girl and really deserves to win.

So there we were, standing by the radio at 7:15am this morning, and when we heard them say "our next winner is a very special 5 year old...", we looked at each other with wide eyes, mouths open, holding our breath, "....Milena Kasha!" And we just screamed!!! Daddy and Ryder woke up and came running, "What, what? Did you win?" And we all stood there listening as the radio DJ went on and on about how special Lena is, how she uses her own money to buy JB stuff, how she's been sick and they hope this will make her feel better, and so on. Lena was literally jumping up and down, she was so excited she could barely articulate. Of course, there I was, tears streaming down my face. The only thing she could say was, "Call Grandma!" lol

So Lena has won three tickets to the 3D movie, a prize package consisting of special limited edition JB glowsticks and other fun stuff (can't remember it all right now) and an entry for the grand prize of dinner at Sam's South and a limousine to the movie that night.

Dreams do come true!

Hydrogen Peroxide: Did you know?? (UPDATE)

2ND UPDATE: Okay, so Aunt Stephanie commented on facebook that she and Uncle Kirk have been doing H202 therapy for a while now and they feel amazing. What a relief, to hear from someone with first-hand knowledge, someone I know and trust, that this stuff really works. Hey, if its good enough for the 'Witch Doctor', its good enough for me. (But I'd still suggest people do research and know what they're getting into!)

UPDATE: One of my facebook friends, who is a nurse, pointed out to me (after I posted a status praising H202 therapy) that I should really do a lot of in-depth, reputable research before trying this, as H202 can be very dangerous at higher percentages. I knew this from reading that article, but I did what she said and researched a bit more. It IS a little scary to read that H202 can melt the skin right off your body! When handling the 35% food-grade peroxide, one has to wear protective glasses, gloves, be in a well-ventilated room, ALONE, making sure not to spill even one drop. And that if you don't get the dilution-concentration just right, it can result in brain damage, ulcers, damage of the esophageal and stomach linings, and many more not-nice things. So I felt a little irresponsible, doing a blog post making it seem like a miracle-drug without fully listing all the 'cons'. In doing my research, I did come across many first-hand accounts of how H202 therapy does help (one guy in particular used it to treat cluster headaches and they disappeared within days). But I would definitely, HIGHLY recommend you do the research as well if interested and make your decision based on your own opinions, not just what you've read here on the blog.

Lena came home from school yesterday complaining of a splitting headache. When asked how long she'd had it for, she said "All day." Poor little girl suffered with it all day at school and didn't say a word to her teacher! I would have picked her up in an instant. But anyway, I gave her a couple of children's Tylenol and a cold cloth for her forehead and she laid on the couch in a nest. I checked on her and she had a raging fever! Soon after came the sore throat. I thought to myself, Uh oh. This is how the H1N1 started last year, severe headache, fever, sore throat, next comes the stomach cramps. And sure enough, within half an hour she had a wicked stomach ache. She was just in misery. The tylenol wasn't working, the fever was raging, and her headache just got worse. She could barely swallow, her throat hurt so bad. And the cramps had her groaning in pain every few minutes. I braced myself for dealing with whatever strain of flu this was, riding it out over the weekend, and praying no one else would pick it up.

About an hour later, after listening to her groans and sobs of pain, out of sheer desperation I started google searching. And lo and behold, came across the video above. Went down to the laundry room to get the bottle of peroxide (its the only thing I use for stain removal), there was just barely enough left to do what the doctor suggested: pour one capful into the ear (with head laying sideways on a pillow), let it sit for 2 minutes, then repeat with the other ear. I was sceptical, but hopeful. And to see the nonstop bubbling action going on, I knew something had to be happening.

Results were not instant. In fact, I didn't think it was going to work at all. By that time the tylenol had worn off (not that it helped with the pain or fever anyway) and she flat-out refused to take more. So I settled her on the couch watching a show. After about 45 minutes, I asked how she was feeling. "Way better!" She was surprised. Sure enough, I felt her forehead... fever gone. Asked about the headache and sore throat... gone. Stomach cramps... gone. It was like a miracle! Any experience I've had with the flu, in myself and others, is that once it starts there's no stopping it until its run its course. So this was just amazing. She woke up this morning (after a full night's sleep, which never happens when they're sick, its always 'Mooommmmmyyy' every ten minutes, am I right?) and she was completely fine! I was, and am, dumbfounded.

I have no idea how or why this simple trick works, what the science is behind it, but I'm just floored. And so I did some google research and look at what I found:

http://www.educate-yourself.org/cancer/benefitsofhydrogenperozide17jul03.shtml

From the site, and I would definitely recommend reading the article in its entirety, as I've only copied certain parts:

When exposed to other compounds hydrogen peroxide dismutates readily. The extra oxygen atom is released leaving H20 (water). In nature oxygen (02) consists of two atoms--a very stable combination. A single atom of oxygen, however, is very reactive and is referred to as a free radical. Over the past several years, we've continually read that these free radicals are responsible for all types of ailments and even premature aging. What many writers seem to forget, however, is that our bodies create and use free radicals to destroy harmful bacteria, viruses, and fungi. In fact, the cells responsible for fighting infection and foreign invaders in the body (your white blood cells) make hydrogen peroxide and use it to oxidize any offending culprits. The intense bubbling you see when hydrogen peroxide comes in contact with a bacteria-laden cut or wound is the oxygen being released and bacteria being destroyed. The ability of our cells to produce hydrogen peroxide is essential for life. H202 is not some undesirable by-product or toxin, but instead a basic requirement for good health.

Newer research indicates we need hydrogen peroxide for a multitude of other chemical reactions that take place throughout the body. For example, we now know that vitamin C helps fight infections by producing hydrogen peroxide, which in turn stimulates the production of prostaglandins. Also lactobacillus found in the colon and vagina produce hydrogen peroxide. This destroys harmful bacteria and viruses, preventing colon disease, vaginitis, bladder infections and a host of other common ailments. (Infect Dis News Aug.8,91:5). When lactobacillus in the colon or vaginal tract have been overrun with harmful viruses, yeast, or bacteria, an effective douche or enema solution can be made using 3 tablespoons of 3% H202 in 1 quart of distilled water. Keep in mind, however, that a good bacterial flora must always be re-established in theses areas to achieve lasting results.

While we are discussing enemas and douches, there is another misconception about H202 I need to address. The friendly bacteria in the colon and vagina are aerobic. In other words, they flourish in high oxygen environments and thrive in the presence of oxygen rich H202. On the other hand, most strains of harmful bacteria (and cancer cells) are anaerobic and cannot survive in the presence of oxygen or H202.

Let's look at several conditions that seem to respond especially well to H202 therapy. First, keep in mind that there are two methods of administering the peroxide-1) orally and 2) intravenously. While most conditions respond remarkably to oral ingestion, emphysema is one condition in which intravenous infusion can be a godsend. Emphysema involves destruction of the alveoli (the small air sacs in the lungs). Although chemical fumes and other irritants can cause the destruction, it is most often the result of smoking. As the disease progresses, the patient finds it more and more difficult to breathe. A wheel chair and supplemental oxygen become necessary as the disease progresses. Lack of adequate oxygen reaching the tissues forces the heart to pump more forcefully. This leads to high blood pressure, enlargement of the heart itself and eventually heart failure. Conventional medicine offers little help for emphysema. There is no cure. The best that can be hoped for is symptomatic relief and the prevention of any serious complications that might result in death. H202 therapy can offer more. Using 1 ounce of 35% peroxide per 1 gallon of non-chlorinated water in a vaporizer improves nighttime breathing tremendously. But intravenous infusion holds the real key to relief. It has the ability to cleanse the inner lining of the lungs and restore the ability to breathe.

We continue to hear the same story from Dr. Farr and others who use intravenous infusion for emphysema and congestive lung problems. Within minutes oxygen from hydrogen peroxide begins to bubble up between the membrane lining the lungs sacs and the accumulated mucus. (Dr. Farr refers to this as the "Alka-Seltzer effect.") The patient begins to cough and expel the material that has accumulated in the lungs. The amount of bubbling, coughing, and cleansing can be regulated by simply turning the H202 on and off. As the peroxide clears the lung surface and destroys the bacterial infections, the patient regains the ability to breath more normally. We continue to receive reports from patients for whom the technique has improved breathing so much that a wheelchair and supplemental oxygen are no longer needed.

If emphysema were the only ailment successfully treated with H202 therapy, it would still rank as one of the top health discoveries of all time. Fortunately, H202 works wonders on a multitude of health problems. It does so by increasing tissue oxygen levels. A closer look at how we have decreased the availability of external and internal oxygen, will show you just how important this can be.

It's obvious that our oxygen needs are not being met. Several of the most common ailments now affecting our population are directly related to oxygen starvation. Asthma, emphysema, and lung disease are on the rise, especially in the polluted metropolitan areas. Cases of constipation, diarrhea, intestinal parasites and bowel cancer are all on the upswing. Periodontal disease is endemic in the adult population of this country. Cancer of all forms continues to increase. Immune system disorders are sweeping the globe. Chronic fatigue, "Yuppie Flu" and hundreds of other strange viral diseases have begun to surface. Ironically, many of the new "miracle" drugs and nutritional supplements used to treat these conditions work by increasing cellular oxygen (oftentimes through H202 formation). For example, the miracle nutrient, Coenzyme Q10, helps regulate intercellular oxidation. Organic germanium, which received considerable publicity not too long ago, also increases oxygen levels at the cellular level. And even substances like niacin and vitamin E promote tissue oxidation through their dilation of blood vessels.

The following is only a partial listing of conditions in which H202 therapy has been used successfully:

Allergies
Headaches
Altitude Sickness
Herpes Simplex
Alzheimer's
Herpes Zoster
Anemia
HIV Infection
Arrhythmia
Influenza
Asthma
Insect Bites
Bacterial Infections
Liver Cirrhosis
Bronchitis
Lupus Erythematosis
Cancer
Multiple Sclerosis
Candida
Parasitic Infections
Cardiovascular Disease
Parkinsons
Cerebral Vascular Disease
Periodontal Disease
Chronic Pain
Prostatitis
Diabetes Type 11
Rheumatoid Arthritis
Diabetic Gangrene
Shingles
Diabetic Retinopathy (blindness)
Sinusitis
Digestion Problems
Sore Throat
Epstein-Barr Infection
Ulcers
Emphysema
Viral Infections
Food Allergies
Warts
Fungal Infections
Yeast Infections
Gingivitis

Grades of Hydrogen Peroxide
Hydrogen peroxide is available in various strengths and grades.

A) 3.5% Pharmaceutical Grade: This is the grade sold at your local drugstore or supermarket. This product is not recommended for internal use. It contains an assortment of stabilizers which shouldn't be ingested. Various stabilizers include: acetanilide, phenol, sodium stanate and tertrasodium phosphate.

B) 6% Beautician Grade: This is used in beauty shops to color hair and is not recommended for internal use.

C) 30% Reagent Grade: This is used for various scientific experimentation and also contains stabilizers. It is also not for internal use.

D) 30% to 32% Electronic Grade: This is used to clean electronic parts and not for internal use.

E) 35% Technical Grade: This is a more concentrated product than the Reagent Grade and differs slightly in that phosphorus is added to help neutralize any chlorine from the water used to dilute it.

F) 35% Food Grade: This is used in the production of foods like cheese, eggs, and whey-containing products. It is also sprayed on the foil lining of aseptic packages containing fruit juices and milk products. THIS IS THE ONLY GRADE RECOMMENDED FOR INTERNAL USE. It is available in pints, quarts, gallons or even drums.

G) 90%: This is used as an oxygen source for rocket fuel.

Only 35% Food Grade hydrogen peroxide is recommended for internal use. At this concentration, however, hydrogen peroxide is a very strong oxidizer and if not diluted, it can be extremely dangerous or even fatal. Any concentrations over 10% can cause neurological reactions and damage to the upper gastrointestinal tract. There have been two known fatalities in children who ingested 27% and 40% concentrations of H202. Recently, a 26 month old female swallowed one mouthful of 35% H202. She immediately began vomiting, followed by fainting and respiratory arrest. Fortunately, she was under emergency room care and although she experienced erosion and bleeding of the stomach and esophagus, she survived the incident. When she was re-examined 12 days later, the areas involved had healed (J Toxicol Clin Toxicol 90;28(1):95-100).

35% Food Grade H202 must be
1) handled carefully (direct contact will burn the skin--immediate flushing with water is recommended).
2) diluted properly before use.
3) stored safely and properly (after making a dilution the remainder should be stored tightly sealed in the freezer).

One of the most convenient methods of dispensing 35% H202 is from a small glass eye dropper bottle. These can be purchased at your local drugstore. Fill this with the 35% H202 and store the larger container in the freezer compartment of your refrigerator until more is needed. Store the eye dropper bottle in the refrigerator. The generally recommended dosage is outlined in the chart below. The drops are mixed with either 6 to 8 ounces of distilled water, juice, milk or even aloe vera juice or gel. (Don't use chlorinated tap water to dilute the peroxide!)

Suggested Protocol
The program outlined is only a suggestion, but it is based on years of experience, and reports from thousands of users. Those who choose to go at a slower pace can expect to progress more slowly, but that certainly is an option. The program is not carved in stone and keep in mind that it can be adapted to fit individual needs. Individuals who have had transplants should not undertake an H202 program. H202 stimulates the immune system and could possibly cause a rejection of the organ.

Day # -Number of Drops/ Times Per Day
1 - 3 / 3
2 - 4 / 3
3 - 5 / 3
4 - 6 / 3
5 - 7 / 3
6 - 8 / 3
7 - 9 / 3
8 - 10 / 3
9 - 12 / 3
10 - 14 / 3
11 - 16 / 3
12 - 18 / 3
13 - 20 / 3
14 - 22 / 3
15 - 24 / 3
16 - 25 / 3

Maintenance Dosage
In most situations after the above 21 day program, the amount of H202 can be tapered off gradually as follows:

25 drops once every other day for 1 week
25 drops once every third day for 2 weeks
25 drops once every fourth day for 3 weeks

This can then be reduced to between 5 and 15 drops per week based on how one feels. Those with more serious problems will often benefit from staying on 25 drops three times a day for one to three weeks, then tapering down to 25 drops two times daily until the problem is resolved (possibly as long as six months). Those with chronic systemic Candidiasis may need to start with 1 drop three times a day, then 2 drops three times a day before starting the above schedule. It is important that H202 be taken on an empty stomach. This is best accomplished by taking it either one hour before meals or three hours after meals. If there is food in the stomach, the reaction of H202 on any bacteria present may cause excess foaming, indigestion, and possibly even vomiting. Additionally, some animal research indicates that when H202 given orally combines with iron and small amounts of vitamin C in the stomach, hydroxyl radicals are created (J Inorg Biochem 89;35(1):55-69). The bleach-like aftertaste of H202 can be lessened by chewing one of the sugar-free cinnamon gums. Some individuals taking H202 immediately before bedtime have a difficult time getting to sleep. This is probably due to a sense of alertness triggered by an increase of oxygen at the cellular level. The oral dosage schedule is basically the same for all conditions. There are several points to keep in mind, however.

Some individuals may experience upset stomach. If this occurs it is recommended that one not stop the program, but rather remain at the current dosage level or reduce it to the previous level until the problem stops. (Some patients have been able to solve the nausea problem by taking three or four lecithin capsules at the same time they take the H202.) During the program it's not uncommon to experience what is known as a healing crisis. As dead bacteria and toxins are released from your body it may temporarily exceed your capacity to eliminate them quickly enough. In some individuals this overload may cause fatigue, diarrhea, headaches, skin eruptions, cold or flu-like symptoms, and/or nausea. One should not discontinue using the peroxide to stop this cleansing. By continuing the program, toxins will clear the body sooner and this healing crisis will pass rather quickly.

If you are not already taking vitamin E and an acidophilus product, I recommend starting them before going on H202. Vitamin E can make more efficient use of any oxygen available and acidophilus will help re-establish the beneficial bacterial flora in the lower bowel and also help in the internal production of hydrogen peroxide.

Making and Using 3% Solutions of H202
A 3.5% solution can be made quite easily by first pouring 1 ounce of 35% H202 into a pint jar. To this add 11 ounces of distilled water. This will make 12 ounces of 3.5% H202. 3.5% H202 has a variety of medicinal uses.

1. Three tablespoons mixed with a quart of non-chlorinated water makes a good enema or douche formula.

2. It can be used full strength as a mouthwash or mixed with baking soda for toothpaste.

3. It can be used full strength as a foot bath for athlete's foot. (Diabetics have found relief from circulation problems by soaking their feet in 1 pint of 3% peroxide mixed with 1 gallon of warm, non-chlorinated water for 30 minutes nightly.)

4. A tablespoon added to 1 cup of non-chlorinated water can be used as a nasal spray. Depending on the degree of sinus involvement, one will have to adjust the amount of peroxide used. I have seen some who can use it at the full 3% strength and others who had difficulty with using a few drops and mixed with a cup of water.

5. 3.5% H202 can be added to pets drinking water at the rate of 1 ounce per quart of non-chlorinated water. Sick cattle reportedly benefit from 1 pint (of 3%) to each 5 gallons of water. (Chickens and cows have remained healthy by using 8 ounces of 35% H202 per 1,000 gallons of drinking water.)

Food for Thought: Alternate Dimensions, Conspiracy of Language, etc

Though my frantic worry about 2012 has abated (thanks Hubs), my interest in it has not. And so I was browsing more youtube vids and came across a channel from this guy pimpnoddy. He put out a series of 9 videos, each about 10-15 minutes long, on his theories regarding alternate dimensions, portals, reincarnation, the conspiracy behind the "Queen's English", organized religion, the true gods and demons, and how numbers really don't lie.

Watching the first video I was like, Oh-kayyyy... But then I really started thinking about what he was saying. The concepts he's explaining are so mind-blowing and controversial, its easy to write him off as a whack-job. (In fact, he labels himself Galactic Wacko, lol.)

The videos are labelled 'The Illuminati Secret 2012 Nibiru planet x and Star Gates'; he doesn't really talk about any of those things. I think it was more of a way to get people searching for those terms to watch his videos, because those people are the ones who will be more open-minded regarding his theories.

Its too complicated to explain what those theories are, I highly recommend watching the videos yourself. Now, I'm not saying I believe 100% or fully support what he is saying, but I AM saying that some of what he says does resonate with me. The idea that everything comes down to numbers, the 3, 6, 9; beings are reincarnated (going sideways) through these connecting worlds and alternate dimensions, again and again, until they learn the lessons required to 'ascend' upward to the Creator; there's more but until you watch for yourself and create your own opinions, I don't want to give out any 'spoilers' that may make you sceptical beforehand.

Anyway, its all very thought-provoking and like I said, mind-blowing. There's a quote in the beginning of video 3, "Those who seek should not stop seeking until they find. When they find, they will marvel, and reign over all. [And after that, they will rest]"

Learning is knowledge, knowledge is truth, and truth is power.

Crazy Things Parents Say

I once submitted Mom's infamous "Denzel Weasel" comment to the website Crazy Things Parents Say, but for whatever reason they didn't use it. Maybe because the "black guy" part of it was too racial? Who knows. But I want to submit more things my crazy parents said, so Trapper and Levi, help me  remember some of those gems, okay? Put them in the comments.

For those of you unfamiliar with Mom's little snafu, here it is to the best of my recollection...

Me: (talking about a movie that was coming out)
Mom: "Oh, yeah, yeah! I love that guy! What's his name again?"
Me: "Who?"
Mom: "You know, that black actor guy."
Me: .....
Mom: "Oh, oh! Denzel Weasel!"
Me: (bursting out laughing) "You mean Denzel WASHINGTON??"
Mom: "Yeah, isn't that what I said?"

Anyway, here's some good ones from that website.

Grandma's 80th birthday party speech:
Grandma: …and so we were blessed with seven kids, because you know, at this time, there was no birth control.
Elderly Guests: -laugh-
Grandchildren: O_O

Me: I think I may be gay.
Mom: Great! I'll have someone to go shoe shopping with me!

Me: What are your false teeth doing in the kitchen?
Dad: Minding their own business which is more than I can say for you!

(While on a long road trip, my brother and I were fighting in the back seat)
Dad: I'm gonna pull this car over, pull my pants down, and spank you both!

Uncle: Wow, that's pungent!
Me: What is?
Uncle: Grandma.

(brother goes to put canned cheese on a cracker)
Dad: Don't touch that, that's my sexual cheese!

Sister: I want to have a girl and name her Allie.
Dad: Why, cause that's where she was conceived?

Mom: Lets watch The Wall together!
Me: Okay!
Mom: But I need to take my pills first. It'll make the movie better.

Step Dad: Love is a strong word. I don't love math. I'd maybe sleep with math and then not call it the next day.

Mum: What's teabagging?
Me: I'm not telling you!
Mum: Is it something me and your father might have done?

Dad: This is another chick-flick isn't it? I'm starting to grow tits!!!

Me: I don't like flying. I hate heights. And I really don't like the security guys feeling me up without buying me dinner first.
Mom: Well, I wouldn't mind. It's been awhile…

Me: Why did you give me a car deodorizer for christmas?
Grandma: To cover up the smell of pot…

Mom: Where's that house with the propellers?!
Me: You mean a windmill?
Mom: Yeah, that!

Mom: Hmmmm… I definitely need a pair of those…
Me: Pair of what?
Mom: Vibrating panties.
Me: WHAT?!

Dad: What's this vajazzling thing that everyone's talking about? Should I be getting on? Is it like an iPhone?
Me: Oh dear.

Dad: Is a bird in the hand worth 2 in the bush?
Mom: There are things I would rather have in my hand and bush.

Dad: When I die, I don't want you to waste money on a nice casket. Bury me in Glad trash bags.

(Whilst watching a bondage scene in a fim)
Mum: I'll have to try that with your father sometime.

Grandma: Could you pirate me some TruBlood?
Dad: Isn't that just about hot vampires having sex?
Grandma: That's what I'm into!

Grandfather: Listen, some people are just born gay. Like some people are born with big noses. So don't let them give you any sh*t for being gay.
Me: OK Pawpaw.
Grandfather: And don't let 'em give you any sh*t about your big nose either.

While at McDonalds my younger brother is trying to eat an ice cream cone in one bite.
Me: There's no way you can fit that whole thing in your mouth, it's too big!
Mom: Here, let me show you how it's done!

Mom: I do random acts of kindness every day, I want to kill people and I don't.

Mom: If I ever became a white rapper, my name would be "Snow Job."
Me: WHAT!?
Mom: Y'know, because I'd be as white as snow and it'd be my job to rap.

Mom: No getting pregnant in my house.
Me: You've been pregnant three times. You've broken your own rule.
Mom: What makes you think it was in the house?

Mom: Stop being a pussy.
Dad: Stop being a dick!
Mom: Well someone has to be the dick around here.

Grandma: You have some nice boobs, honey.
Mom: Yeah, she does. She takes after Mama.
Grandma: What is she?
Mom: I think a 40 C.
Me: MOM!?!
Grandma: It's okay. I'm a double A LONG…
Mom: MOM!?!

Mom: Not everyone has a twin their same age.

Mom: Have a good day yesterday!

Grandmother: Your double chin looks smaller.

Mom: You need to go to saturday church with your grandma tonight.
Me: why? i never go to saturday church.
Mom: BECAUSE I WANT TO GET LAID AND YOUR DAD WONT DO ANYTHING WITH YOU IN THE HOUSE! NOW GO GET DRESSED FOR CHURCH!!

Me: Dad, was I adopted?
Dad: Yes…but they sent you back.

Mom: Oh Gordon, your fly is undone.
Step-Dad: Oh, am I putting on a show for the restaurant?
Mom: No. A dead bird won't fall out of its cage.

Me: Female bodybuilders have no boobs, they're totally flat-chested.
Dad: Well you'd be good at it then.

Mom: The good thing about going senile is everything's funny all over again!

Me: I don't want to sleep on a futon.
Dad: Hey, don't knock futons. You were conceived on a futon.

Dad: Next Saturday will fall in a weekend.

Grandma: When you have kids if you have two daughters, drown one.

(In regards to a Trojan vibrator commercial)
Dad: I know what to get Grandma for Christmas.

Dad: Look at these tiny glasses! How would you drink from that?!
Me: Uhhh… That would be a shot glass, Dad.

Me: How do you get people to help you out at Guitar Center? I've been standing here for about 45 minutes.
Dad: Pull your pants down and start playing your organ.

Dad: I can't wait until pot is legalised and we can all smoke it together as a family!

(Discussing a talent show)
80-year-old Grandpa: What was your talent? A striptease?

Mom (about to start cooking): I better put some pants on, wouldn't want hair in the gravy.

Mom: Hello, I'm the parent of my daughter.

Mom's Friend: Ron Howard's kids' middle names are the places where they were conceived.
Mom: Dining table!
(This was during choir practice)

Me: Dad, who do I look like more, you or Mom?
Dad: You look like the hobo who gave you to us.

(In the midst of a fight)
Mom: Now wait a minute there, Smith!
Dad: What's this Smith crap?
Mom: (Pause) I can't remember your first name!
Dad: Well, I see the last 20 years made an impression.

Sister: Don't we want entertainment for our party, though?
Mom: Fine, I'll strip.

Mom: You know how sometimes you come across a carrot that tastes like a wet mitten?

Me: Dad, you want some of these peanuts?
Dad: No thanks, they get in my mouth.

Mom: Look! Look!
Me: What? What's wrong?
Mom: MY FIRST WHITE PUBE!

Me: What's the point of having an alarm system if you never use it?
Mum: What's the point of having a daughter that asks stupid questions?

(Upon finding out my mom and I were both stoned)
Gramma: You guys should smoke more often, you're so much more fun to be around.

Me: What's for dinner?
Mom: Poison.
(I like this one, might have to start using it, haha!)

(After I've come home early one afternoon)
Dad: Bet you you're glad you didn't come home 15 minutes earlier!
Me: Ewww.
Mom: Bet you wish you weren't sitting on that couch!

Grandmother: "If you had told me we were going somewhere nice I would have put on a bra."

(Speaking about chopping wood)
Mom: You could always go over and pound your brothers wood.

Mom: If you need a clean bra, go into your brother's room.

Grandapa: For Christmas we'd get a pair of pants with a hole in the pocket. That way we'd have something to wear, and something to play with.

Me: Dad,I need some batteries. Do you know where any are?
Dad: Check your mother's dildo.

Me: Which would you give up if you absolutely had to: cigarettes or coffee?
Dad: Your Mother.

Okay, I could add tons more but you'll have to check out the website yourself. Aren't these great? Makes you feel like your family wasn't the only dysfunctional one, haha.

Project DSLR: Stage 4

As I've mentioned before, I'm in the process of getting the downstairs livingroom (DSLR) all rearranged, organized, and decorated with our antiques, artwork, animal heads, etc. Today I continued on to Stage 4 (Stage 1: Cleaning, Stage 2: Rearranged, Stage 3: Organized). Yes, today it was all about Decorating!

Unfortunately, that damn monstrous sheep head that weighs about a hundred pounds is totally impossible to get mounted on the wall by myself. But trust me, I tried. Picture it: me, left arm awkwardly holding it around the neck, my hip keeping the bottom part wedged up against the wall, trying to line up the hole in the back frame with the hole pre-drilled into the wall while I've got the drill held upright in my right hand, with the long screw precariously fitted to the drill bit, all while standing on a one-legged stool. As you can imagine, things didn't quite go according to plan. I abandoned that project after about ten minutes of heavy breathing, grunting, straining, arms trembling, sweating, CURSING, while millions of tiny white hairs drifted like snow onto my face, hair, eyelashes, and chest. Oh, and mouth, can't forget the mouth.

So then I moved on to the two deer heads, got them firmly installed on the walls. Moved two of the stuffed fish to different walls. Rearranged the antiques in the china cabinet.

Then came the fun part --- figuring out where to hang all the pictures and artwork we've collected over the years. There were just enough items to decorate every wall and it looks amazing!

I have two beautiful pictures that Mom gave me years ago and I wanted them to be hung together, since they share a theme. Once I got them hung, I noticed they weren't lying flat on the wall. Took them down and flipped them over and here the backs were completely covered in decades-old glops of hot glue! That is such a Hagar thing. Mom's idea of hanging pictures wasn't to use nails, it was all about the hot glue. It took me near ten minutes with a flathead screwdriver to scrape all that sh*t off! But eventually I was successful and the pictures were rehung, lying flat at last.

Project DSLR: Stage 5 is all about The Dump. Once I can get those items outta here, it is going to look FABULOUS! I'm so excited. Will post pics when Project DSLR is complete.

Obsessed with Mash-Ups

Seriously, its just my luck

Such as... Where the heck did I put my black wallet?

A few months ago I decided to switch wallets and so I transferred most of what I considered 'important' cards to the new one. You know, the debit card, credit card, ID, etc. Thinking that I wouldn't need my birth certificate, SIN card or ABH card I (stupidly) left them in the old wallet. After all, if I ever did need them I could just grab them out of that wallet. Right? But what happens when you can't find that wallet?

Madness. Utter mayhem and chaos. Searching the house high and low, tearing apart closets, frantically searching the hundred or so purses in my collection (and why is it that we females need so many darn purses? a mystery of the universe), looking through any and all boxes of stuff I'd put away in storage, making the kids search their rooms on the off chance Ryderman did a wallet relocation (which he's done before with keys, Ty's wallet, the cell phones, money, the list goes on). Then, when I'd exhausted all possible options with still no sign of the wallet, I gave up reluctantly and had to admit defeat.

I knew that most likely what happened was that the little DICKens must have gotten a hold of it and either threw it in the garbage or put in some totally random place (though where that place could be I had no clue, as I really had torn apart the entire household). So off to the Registries office I went and applied for a new birth certificate. I was thisclose to filling out the application for a replacement ABH card right then and there; however, upon seeing the pages and pages of info required (the card is for ME dammit! why do they need to know about spouses and dependents, arrrrgh), I shelved it for a later date. I did bring home the application form though, as well as the form for a replacement SIN card. What a hassle.

So I received my new birth certificate in the mail the other day and was quite unimpressed with how massive it was. Seriously, it almost letter-size! My lost one was tiny and blue and laminated, but more importantly, it fit in the card slot in my wallet! How the heck are you supposed to carry around these new ones? I guess you're not, they're probably meant to be kept in a filing cabinet until you actually need to produce it for some reason. In which case you'd bring it in a manila envelope or something? Anyway, I digress.

I am the Queen of Procrastination so I kept putting off applying for those other two cards. But just yesterday I decided that either today or tomorrow, I would fill in the forms and take them in. Before I did that, though, I had a sudden thought to go through my "receipt box" (seriously, I have a giant box full of nothing but receipts from the last year. EVERY single receipt I've ever been given. What is wrong with me?). So picture me standing there, going through every receipt, all eleventy-billion of them, throwing the majority out but keeping the ones needed for warranty and tax purposes and whatnot. After about half an hour of this, I had almost reached the bottom of the box and what did my disbelieving eyes come across....?

THE BLACK WALLET!! Oh hallelujah, glory day, and praise be to God. I immediately opened it up and YES, lo and behold, my cards! The blue laminated birth certificate, my old battered AHC card, and the SIN card. Yessss!! Of course, after my happy dance I then had to immediately phone someone because this was the find of the century, believe you me. Mom was the lucky recipient of that giddy phone call. And of course, now it just kills me that I wasted $40 on a new birth certificate. Doh!

But seriously, what would ever possess me to throw my wallet in the receipt box? My brain takes a permanent vacation sometimes, I swear.

My Favorite Amazing Vids

Some of these are short but sweet, some are lengthy, but ALL are worth the watch... especially the last one! I saved it for last because its my #1 Most Amazing Video. Enjoy!

WTF

Flash Mobs!

One more thing to add to my Bucket List: join a flash mob!



















A youtube commenter (on the Oprah vid) said that there's something about the idea of complete strangers coming together for a common goal that makes her emotional, and I totally agree. Some of these videos, especially the Irish school children doing Do Re Mi, actually brought a tear to my eye! (That flash-mob is, of course, modelled after the original from the Antwerp train station, but I mean, c'mon, these are KIDS doing the moves! Way cooler.)

So Mom, get out the Kinect Dance Central 'cause I need to perfect my dance moves. I WILL be in a flash mob at some point before I die!

Now why didn't I think of this before??

I just finished posting about Lena being on my shit-list, but I guess this makes up for it.

In Walmart tonight (which I'm now embarrassed to return to), heading down the hair-color aisle, I decided to look through the perfumes and see if they had Juicy by Juicy Couture. I'm peering at all the bottles and boxes and Lena pipes up, "There it is, Mom!" She'd spotted it right away because of the distinctive pink box and crown emblem on front.

"Oh, right on! Thanks, Lena!" When I saw the price, about $40, I pouted and turned away, intent on getting my box of hair color. Lena stayed behind to continue looking at all the perfumes.

"Hey Mom!" she yelled, "This box looks just like the Juicy box but its a darker pink! It even has a crown on it!"

I turned back and looked at what she was pointing to. And do you know what it was?

A Juicy knock-off, you know, one of those "our version of" kinds. I couldn't believe it! And the price? $10!!!

So we sprayed it and inhaled... exactly the same!

I am just in heaven. WHY did I not think to look for knock-off versions sooner? Here I've been going through Juicy withdrawals for the past several months (because my one precious bottle didn't last long, what with Lenagurl using it constantly to make her room "smell pretty").

Woohoo!

Guess I'll have to take back the 'I'm-telling-Santa' threat.

Update: Wisdom Teeth

I was cocky. I bragged that I led a charmed life. Well, it all came back to bite me on the butt, big time. (Or the TOOTH, as it were.)

Monday I had my post-surgery consult with the oral surgeon, as I reported it was fine, great. That night, I started feeling nauseous and out of nowhere, just started puking my guts out. AGONY. I could feel my mouth trying to stretch wide and I tried, I really did, to keep it closed but puke doesn't care. The body can't help what it wants to do. It felt like something wrenched in my jaw area on that one side and it was like an explosion of the most intense pain I've ever felt.

The nauseous-ness continued on to Tuesday. After that first time, I was so paranoid of my jaw doing that wrenching-thing again that I was frantic to stave off future vomiting episodes. Plus I really needed something for the pain. So I took a couple of percocet and ate a yogurt, hoping the food would calm the nausea that usually accompanies the taking of the percocet. But no, that just fed the fire, excuse the pun.

And so began a vicious circle; puking, taking a pain pill with food and water, then puking it all back out again, and so on. I wasted a TON of my precious percs.

Finally, by Tuesday night whatever 24-hour bug I picked up ran its course. Blessed relief.

Early Wednesday morning: as I'm packing the kids' lunches, I bent down to give Ryder his good-morning-hug and the little DICK (no 'ens' on that one) rammed his big ole rockhead right into my jaw, RIGHT on that one painful spot. On purpose!

I just about blacked out from the pain. I thought what I felt during that first puke episode was the epitome of pain, well. That was nothing compared to this. Instantly I was hunched over, waves of nausea, light-headed, jaw THROBBING. It felt like the inside of my mouth had exploded. Immediately I popped two percs, pulled up my big girl panties, and finished the morning routine of packing lunches, getting breakfasts ready, hustling the kids through their routines of brushing teeth, getting dressed, etc. All on autopilot, all done while waiting for the meds to kick in.

Which they did, for a brief hour. An hour! And then the pain returned. And it was horrific. I wanted to take more pills but I only had two left, so I waited as long as I dared, made it to noon. Took those last two pills with a prayer that the relief would be longer this time. And they definitely did take the edge off but there was still that constant throb.

And what a day for visitors. My cousin Kim called out of the blue and asked if she could come over for a visit as it was her lunch break. I'd mentioned in the past that she should come over for coffee and a chat, so I WAS happy that she took me up on the offer. Most people just say 'sure!' and then you never hear from them. So I said yes, come on over. But part of me was like, 'Really, today of all days?' When I was wandering around in a perc-and-pain daze, looked like absolute SHIT, greasy hair, unwashed body, wearing dirty clothes? Because of the pain, I was in that mood where I just didn't care. And I told her that on the phone, that I was a complete mess, so she was forewarned.

And of course, being a hair stylist, she was dressed all snazzy, awesome hair, looking friggin' GREAT (she's lost at least 20 pounds since I last saw her, I swear!). So we had our coffee and somewhat-awkward chitchat -- being that we don't have a whole lot in common beside kids and husbands and messy houses. Lol! But those DO make great topics of conversation, so it was all good.

Later that night, Levi and Amber stopped by to drop off a movie for the kids and cookies. Levi could tell that I wasn't myself, he noticed it at once just by the way I opened the door! Hah.

So yeah, not a very good night. And not a very good Thursday (today) either. I knew, I knew, that something was very wrong with my mouth. I called the surgeon's office and she said to come in right away and they'd fit me in. Ryder and I arrived at the office and were there probably a good half hour before they called us back to the doctor's room. He took a look and of all the things I'd braced myself to hear (infection, dry sockets, exposed nerve, abscess) it was NOT this:

"There's some food impacted in the site."

Uh, what now? Friggin' FOOD?! You mean to say that the source of all this agony was some bits of G-D food? I felt like a beast, a slobbish pig of a beast!

He assured me that that was very common and it was definitely a good thing I came in because it would have turned to an infection in a day or two. He used a cool little water-pick looking thing, basically a syringe with a long curved tip, to flush the food out and it was GROSS! I was just so, so embarrassed. He gave me one of those syringes to take home and advised that I use it after each meal to keep the site clean. So now I'm paranoid about it happening again and I've been flushing the area constantly.

So yeah. Brought down from my charmed-life pedestal by a piece of food. Niiiice.

Does this mean I'm 4x dumber?

I had oral surgery (I love saying that) last Wednesday to remove my four wisdom teeth. The oral surgeon said three of the teeth would be easy but the one on the bottom had an abscess behind it and was pretty close to both a nerve and bone, so it would be a bit tricky.

Surgery day came, I was "nervous and allergic", but everything went smooth and I was sent home to recover. The pain wasn't near as bad as I was expecting (thanks in part to the wonderful percocet!) but I could've done without all the gloopy blood and saliva. Ewww, TMI! Sorry.

I followed the after-care instructions to the letter. Well, except for the "no smoking" part. I lasted almost a day smoke-free, then thought Screw it and lit up. I figured as long as I was keeping my mouth clean and being careful, I'd be okay.

Then I read in the pamphlet about how smoking creates "dry sockets", whatever those are. Started to worry that I'd messed up my mouth. Still didn't stop smoking, though.

Well, anyways, long story short: I had my post-surgery consultation today and everything is fine! The visit literally took less than five minutes. He said my face looked great, no bruising or swelling. He was surprised because the surgery had been "intense", what with that one problem tooth and abscess. He shone a light in my mouth, looked around, praised me for "keeping my teeth and mouth so clean!", said everything is healing wonderfully, then sent me home! Obviously he couldn't even tell I'd been smoking (because I certainly didn't volunteer that info). So hah! No, but seriously, I'm very lucky because I've heard nothing but horror stories from people about their wisdom teeth surgery.

I tell ya, I lead a charmed life!

Ardan's "disease"

(I say "disease" because that is how it was referred to in the medical book we have, and Gunnar has been delighting in telling Ardan he "has a DISEASE!", and of course then Ardan wants to strangle his brother.)

It all started last Sunday night. Ardan complained of a sore throat, "Mom, I think I have strep throat!", which immediately freaked me out because we have such a history with that. But he wasn't coughing or sneezing, which is the usual sign. I said we'd just have to keep an eye on it. Monday night, his poor hands erupted in SPOTS! Tiny little red pin-pricks all over the palms. They were itchy as hell. We concluded that it must be an allergic reaction of some sort, what had he been in contact with that day? Well, he'd helped Gunnar clean the garage by sweeping the floor with our old garage-broom, and he'd moved a few boxes. Could some type of chemical been on the broom or boxes and he'd touched it? No, no chemicals, so what could it be? Gave the kid some benadryl, hoping that would do the trick.

No. In fact, the red spots spread, to only his feet, though. Itchy, red, swollen heels and soles with those damn red spots! Only now, it wasn't just his throat being sore, he said his tongue felt swollen! So I was just freaking out, convinced it was still some sort of allergic reaction. Out came the benadryl again, but as before, it didn't do a thing.

So by Wednesday night, it was a serious toss-up... take him in to the ER (possibly spending hours there just to be told to give more benadryl and wait it out) or wait til morning and try the walk-in clinic. I've had quite the experiences with the ER lately so that was ruled out. As long as Ardan wasn't having trouble breathing -- which he wasn't, just swallowing -- we'd go in the morning.

In an insane stroke of luck, the Associate walk-in clinic at the mall was practically empty and we were seen in less than ten minutes. The doctor came in, examined Ardan's hands and feet, hmmm-ing and nodding, then asked if there were any sores inside his mouth. "No, I don't think there's any sores, but he IS having problems swallowing." She looked in his mouth with a flashlight and said, "Yes, there is, his mouth is riddled with sores!" What? I felt like the worst mom ever.

She nodded her head in some type of silent agreement with herself and said, "Oh yeah, its obvious. He has Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease."

You could have heard a pin drop in that room. We all stared at her, mouths agape. "I have a DISEASE?!?" Ardan cried.

"Oh no, honey, its okay. Its just a virus, don't worry. This will pass in a few days, the spots and sores will go away. It is slightly contagious, but its one of the more milder viruses. Just keep washing your hands so your siblings don't get it." That was a relief to hear. Didn't require any medication or treatment, beyond tylenol for the mouth-pain and lots of fluids.

So we returned home and I immediately consulted my children's medical book, and sure enough, there it was. 'Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease' -- I'd never even heard of it before! The incubation period is 1-2 days, it usually starts with a sore throat and low fever (Ardan didn't have the fever), then the spots and sores come. In infants, its quite a serious illness but older children should be fine, providing they are being kept well-hydrated. (The sore throat tends to make children hesitant to drink liquids.)

But what really horrified both the kids and myself was the description of HOW the virus is transmitted: through mouth-to-mouth contact ("Ardan, did you kiss someone?", "NO!! GROSS!" haha) or by hand-to-mouth transfer of fecal matter or feces. Hence the hand-washing instruction. Gunnar and I looked at each other in complete horror, but the other kids were clueless, "What's feces?" Um, how do you tell your kid that they probably ingested poop particles? Poor Ardan. The look on his face as he listened to the explanation.

"I did NOT eat poop!" (Typical Gunnar, "You mean FECES. You ate FECES.")

So now poor Ardan is fanatical about hand-washing, and who can blame him? He must have somehow picked up the virus (from a convenience store he visited with his dad and brother on a fishing trip that Sunday, we're thinking), got it on his hands, then touched his mouth with his virus-and-feces-infected hand. He'll probably need therapy for this.