2011 Resolutions

Okay, enough is enough. Time to wisen up and get serious. After careful consideration, I've determined that these are the areas I need to improve upon...

1. STOP SMOKING.

2. A renewed commitment to the WLJ.
Seriously, enough is enough. No more procrastination, no more bingeing and fasting. Back to the healthy eating and daily exercise, even if its just twenty minutes. The 2012 Final Countdown is a'comin' and I need to be in fighting form. (I'm only half-kidding.)

3. Be a KINDER person.
I know most of you will think, 'But you ARE a kind person, Beau!' Well, honestly, a lot of the time I'm not. I think unkind thoughts, I make snap judgements about people based on their appearance or actions (when I know damn well what happens when you ASSUME), and I hold grudges. I need to make a conscious effort to be nice in both deed and thought. I think I'll become a much happier person.

4. Tame back the road rage.
I used to gape in horrified amazement when Hubs would let loose the road rage and think to myself, 'Wow, he has some ISSUES!' Haha. Well now I find myself being the one screaming at other drivers, letting loose angry tirades about the stupidity of mankind. Some reactions are uncontrollable, like when that jerk cuts you off or passes too close. But sometimes I find myself being fully aware that I am unreasonably angry (I mean, c'mon, is it that big of a deal that buddy waited until the last second to put on his turn signal?), and yet I still yell and curse. I justify it by telling myself I am teaching my children what NOT to do so that when they are drivers, they will be aware of the kind of things some idiot drivers do. And while that may be somewhat true (yes, now they know to be defensive drivers and be watchful for morons that try to run red lights, etc), do I really want my kids to see me exhibiting such rage?

5. Be more PATIENT.
This is kind of related to the kindness thing, but this one in particular is aimed more towards my children. And I'm sure you all think (because I've heard it said) that I am always ever-so-patient with my kids, yaddayadda. Its a show! A put-on for the public! Not saying I'm an evil raging bitch behind closed doors, but sometimes, a little. I find that I don't have patience or even the desire to be patient when it comes to getting what I want done. For example, if I have to tell my kids to get something done more than twice, I can literally feel my blood pressure rising and then its like, "NOW!" I realize this is normal for any parent, especially one with four kids, but there is a lot to be said for recognizing that these are just KIDS and as such, they flow on their own time path. When Ryder is taking forever to get his coat and boots on, I need to stop and take a breather because what seems like such an inconsequential thing is actually teaching him independence and self-reliance. Little things like that, where I tend to take over just to get it done quickly, or bigger things like Gunnar waiting til what seems like the last minute to get his papers done... those are moments when I have a learning opportunity, to become a better parent and create stronger relationships with my children. Give them a break, understand where their behaviour is coming from (after all, its -20 outside, would I really want to be delivering papers in that?), and just let it be, go with their flow.

6. Show true appreciation for what I've been given, and what I've had to work for.

7. Be more loving to Hubs, and more expressive to him how I'm in love with him.
Many times I lose patience with him (there's that patience thing again) or get angry because he doesn't see something the way I do, or if he says or does something I don't agree with. I can be very short-tempered with him or flippant, or I say something disrespectful like 'pffft!' or roll my eyes. Very rude and its embarrassing to admit that I do that. I am a very stubborn person and I tend to think I'm always right. At times my personality can be very dominating and bossy. If you're not with me, you're against me, that sort of thing. Plus, I have a lot of issues with 'authority' that stem from my teenage years, when I felt very stifled, repressed and controlled. A sure way to get me to do something is to tell me NOT to do it. You know? A lot of times I'm actually reacting to the tone of voice or the manner something is being expressed to me, rather than the actual words. Ty might say something to me and his voice sounds angry, but really its because he just got home and had a stressful day; I'll take it in as a criticism or slight, and then in return I've got a bitchy tone and I'm resentful. Its so stupid and childish but its a rut I get stuck in. And so it needs to END, and I need to grow up. Treat my man as a MAN, not my father, not my child, as my HUSBAND that I've willingly chosen to bind myself to, and as such give him the respect, admiration and most importantly, LOVE, that he so deserves. I always compare our relationship to Levi and Amber's, "Why don't you treat me like Levi treats Amber? Why don't I get PDA's and sweet little kisses when noone's looking? Why don't my feelings come first?" etcetc. But its that old adage that I firmly believe in, 'You reap what you sow'. And I'm a big hypocrite! I want all that stuff but I don't expect to have to return the actions, or initiate them in the first place. So that all stops this year. This year I am going to be the best wife ever, considerate and unselfish, thoughtful and caring. And LOVING. The best example of how true mates should treat each other will always be my parents. No matter their issues, no matter the situation, the highs and lows, they were always about showing each other respect, consideration and love. My mother would NEVER have rolled her eyes at my dad. From now on, I will ask myself, 'Would Mom do this?' (we'll call it: WMDT?) and that will be the measuring stick I hold myself accountable to.

8. Stay in better touch with my loved ones, and be the first to initiate contact and communication.
I am sooo bad for this. I leave it for the other person to contact me. (Well, with the exception of Mom and Christine.) But I mean with my brothers, Fred, Kelly, my grandparents... its usually them who calls me, not vice versa. So this year I'm going to really try to be a better friend, sister, daughter, etc. If I find myself thinking of someone or remembering something funny or cute about them, well then dammit I'm going to call them up right then and there and tell them about it! Its something my mom has always encouraged (she's so wise) and I'm going to start doing it more often. So be prepared to be seeing my number on your call display more often!

So there you have it. My list of resolutions for 2011. While I've accomplished some of last year's resolutions (be more organized, procrastinate less), there's still more work to be done. And this will be the year!

So I will it, so shall it be. :)

Does this mean I'm 4x dumber?

I had oral surgery (I love saying that) last Wednesday to remove my four wisdom teeth. The oral surgeon said three of the teeth would be easy but the one on the bottom had an abscess behind it and was pretty close to both a nerve and bone, so it would be a bit tricky.

Surgery day came, I was "nervous and allergic", but everything went smooth and I was sent home to recover. The pain wasn't near as bad as I was expecting (thanks in part to the wonderful percocet!) but I could've done without all the gloopy blood and saliva. Ewww, TMI! Sorry.

I followed the after-care instructions to the letter. Well, except for the "no smoking" part. I lasted almost a day smoke-free, then thought Screw it and lit up. I figured as long as I was keeping my mouth clean and being careful, I'd be okay.

Then I read in the pamphlet about how smoking creates "dry sockets", whatever those are. Started to worry that I'd messed up my mouth. Still didn't stop smoking, though.

Well, anyways, long story short: I had my post-surgery consultation today and everything is fine! The visit literally took less than five minutes. He said my face looked great, no bruising or swelling. He was surprised because the surgery had been "intense", what with that one problem tooth and abscess. He shone a light in my mouth, looked around, praised me for "keeping my teeth and mouth so clean!", said everything is healing wonderfully, then sent me home! Obviously he couldn't even tell I'd been smoking (because I certainly didn't volunteer that info). So hah! No, but seriously, I'm very lucky because I've heard nothing but horror stories from people about their wisdom teeth surgery.

I tell ya, I lead a charmed life!

The power of Addiction

I was delivering papers this morning (Gunnar so owes me) and I noticed on the ground two barely-smoked cigarettes. You know, like someone had taken a couple of puffs then threw it on the ground and ground it out with their toe.

And for a crazy, horrible, totally insane moment, I was tempted to pick them up and tuck them in my pocket for future, secretive, use. I actually stood there and contemplated it.

Then Lena yelled something to me and Ryder wheeled past me on his little tricycle and the moment was gone. Away we went.

But that moment continues to haunt me.

It has been, what, almost a year now being cigarette-free and the fact that I can still be tempted just goes to show how strong the power of addiction is. Even the other day, I walked past some people standing outside their work building having a smoke together, and I couldn't stop myself from taking a deep inhale, just breathing that familiar smell in. I watched them with envy as they chit-chatted and puffed away. I used to do that, I used to go for smoke breaks with my work buddies. When you become a non-smoker, its almost like you lose that part of your identity. Who are you without that cigarette in your hand?

I'm lucky that the major hurdle of breaking the addiction is over, but I can see I've still got a ways to go.

Weekend Update, here we go!

Hello everyone! Its been a while since I've posted so I thought I'd give y'all a little update on what's new with the Kasha family.

• Still not smoking. I don't know the exact number of days its been but it must be around three weeks now, eh? It gets easier every day, though I will admit I have my moments where my fingers are literally itching to hold a smoke. Like when we were camping this weekend, it was my first time camping being smoke-free and it just wasn't the same. Sitting around the fire is so BORING without a smoke in hand, haha.
• Gunnar is a now a productive, active member of the job force! He is a paper carrier for the Red Deer Advocate, and I could not be prouder of him! He has 24 'customers' on his route (here in Westwood) to which he delivers every day, and on Mondays and Thursdays he delivers the flyers and Central Alberta Life papers as well. The little bugger is pulling in over $120 a month! He is absolutely ecstatic to be earning that much money and already has a list of all the things he wants to buy. I did have to explain to him that just because he has his "own" money now does not mean he can buy anything he wants, like a Blackberry phone, haha.
• We went camping out by Prairie Creek just this past weekend and had an absolute blast. The Elgert clan was out there and saved us a spot. We weren't in the actual campground, thank god, but just off the side of the road in a big clearing. Everyone out there had their 'toys' so it was like a real community of quadders and bikers (dirt-bikers, that is). I have some great pics and video footage that I'll put up later in another post. We came home late late Sunday night and were unlucky enough to be caught in that nightmare storm while driving. Ty was in the motorhome pulling the trailer, in front of me, and I was driving the truck with all the bikes in the back. You guys, I have NEVER driven through anything that scary in my entire life. The rain was coming down so hard and fast my wipers could not keep up, there was like a foot of water on the road, and I couldn't even see the road! Once in a while, during a lightning flash, I could make out the white line on the side of the road and that is the only thing that kept me going straight. I was praying out loud the entire time.
• Oh, and I brought home some 'souvenirs' from our camp trip, in the form of hundreds of red welts all over my body, courtesy of those delightful little bugs known as 'no-see-ums'. How nice for me, eh? The areas of my body affected the worst are my ankles, calves and left wrist, but I have them on my chest, forearms, and the back of my neck, too. I have never, ever felt anything as itchy as those tiny red spots, I have literally been scratching the skin right off my body trying to appease the awful itching. After-Bite does not work, neither does calamine lotion or that old-fashioned stand by -- making an X with your fingernails then dabbing spit on it. The only thing that gives me a moment's relief is spraying Solarcaine on the bites, which cools and numbs the skin for about a minute. Then its fiery itching pain all over again. And on the Solarcaine bottle it says not to apply more than four times a day. YA RIGHT!! I've been doing it like four times an hour, and to hell with the recommended dosage. And the thing that's weird with the bites is that I didn't notice them while I was out there; it was only after we came home and went to bed, the next morning is when I noticed that I was covered head-to-toe in them. That was Monday morning. It is now Wednesday and it seems like every day I am getting covered in more. It makes me think that my pillow, which I brought camping, is maybe infested with them and they come out at night and crawl all over me and feast? Except I don't see the bugs on my bedding. And Ty isn't getting bitten, just me. So what is going on? Do I have fleas? What does a flea bite look like? But if it was fleas Ty would for sure have them too, right? So I don't know WTF is going on here. All I know is that if the itchiness doesn't go away soon, I am going be covered in scars because it is seriously impossible for me to not scratch. It just feels soooo goooood, even when it bleeds. The pain disguises the itching, at least for a few seconds.
• I'm planning on having our garage sale two weekends from now, so not this coming weekend but the next one. I think its the 16th. I really need to get rid of all that stuff, so I'm going to advertise in the local paper and hopefully there'll be a good turnout. Like I said before, if anyone has anything they want to get rid of and donate to us, please do so before that weekend. Thanks!
• Ty and I are re-starting our Deadwood obsession and are already on Disc 4 of the first season. Gunnar watched a bit of the show with us last night and he thought it was "hilarious" how often the F-word was said. He goes to me, "Mom, I bet you wished this was real life and you were there, because you would get $1 for every swear-word!" (I've instituted a new rule around here after noticing my boys were starting to swear like sailors, and since both boys are notoriously cheap with their moola they are now very conscious of what they say, lol. But they do both owe me about $5.)
• OMG, get this! Ryder got scratched on his finger (or bitten, but I think scratched) by a squirrel when we were camping! It didn't draw blood, and I immediately washed his hand with soap and water, then put antibacterial/disinfectant spray all over the hand. When we got home I called HealthLink and they said they were 99% sure he was okay based on lack of symptoms, no blood drawn, and the squirrel looked healthy. But anytime there's an "encounter with wildlife" HealthLink has to notify a certain agency and they then call you to discuss the encounter. So that guy called me and asked all about what happened, then he said he had to call the Medical Officer to see what he thought, about whether Ryder would need a Rabies shot! Ai-ay-ay! Poor kid. So I'm waiting to hear back from the guy and get the final verdict.

UPDATE Mission: Butt Out Pt. 2, Day 6

Its now Day 6 and I feel like I'm slowly starting to lose my mind. I can't say that I'm having any physical withdrawal symptoms, other than the occasional headache, but its my mental state I'm worried about, lol.

You don't realize how much of a crutch smoking becomes for you until its no longer there. Before, it was like if I was stressed out, anxious, nervous, bored, hungry, or whatever, I could have a smoke (or two) and it chilled me out and gave me something to do. Now I don't have that and I think I might be going slightly insane. My mind goes in circles, over and over, always thinking thoughts and there's no nicotine-break to stop the cycle. My hands want to do something, they want to repeat that hand-to-mouth motion, so my mind says "Eeeaaatttt sssoommethingggg..." so my hands can do the motion. But I flat out REFUSE to replace smoking with eating, oh no, I am so not going down that road. Instead, I give my hands the motion of bringing a glass of water to my mouth, less satisfying but less fattening, lol.

When it gets to the point where I just can't stand it, then I have to put my body in action. I have to physically do something that will give me a feeling of satisfaction. (And seeing how I chose to do this during Aunt Flo's visit, my favorite activity is off limits, boo!) So as a result, I have now accomplished the following in my house: installed two hanging candle holders in the livingroom, put up the picture shelf in the hallway, sorted and put away a box of filing stuff in my room, cleaned all the upstairs bedrooms, cleaned the microwave, and did ALL the laundry (even blankets and pillows). The next projects I have lined up for the coming days are: scrubbing the ever-lovin' shit out of the dining table and chairs, sorting the other box of filing in my room, vacuuming the cobwebs in the high corners of the walls, cleaning and organizing all the kitchen cupboards and cabinets. There are many more such projects but I have to ration them to get me through the coming month.

And I'm proud to say that I haven't touched a drop of DP in these past 6 days, as well. Or any other type of pop. Its been just water and the occasional glass of juice or milk. It totally sucks but I am doing it. And I've lost six pounds so its worth it. Woohoo!

My 200th Post! And I can't even have a smoke to celebrate

200 posts on the ole blog... *clearing my throat*... "I'd like to thank the Academy... my fans and followers, who read my posts religiously and give me support and encouragement, and the occasional comment... and, of course, my husband and children, who give me inspiration on a daily basis for my posts. Thank you, thank you everyone!"

It is now Day Four of Mission: Butt Out Pt. 2 (because Pt.1 went so well, haha) and I must admit I'm doing okay. The worst times for me are in the early morning and late at night. I used to wake up in the morning, the kids all still in bed, and I'd sit down at the computer with my cup of coffee and chain smoke my way through the entire pot. During the rest of the day, I might have the odd smoke here and there, but I usually get busy doing other stuff that I don't even think about it. But late at night, when the kids are in bed and its just Hubs and me, watching tv, out come the ciggies and the Diet Pepsi.

I don't even know why I suddenly decided to quit, but one night I smoked the last butt in the pack and I thought to myself, "I'm not going to buy more in the morning." I woke up and purposely did not make a pot of coffee, I just drank a couple glasses of water. And come that night, I sat and drank water while watching tv. It just about killed me that first night, giving up not just the smokes but the Diet Pepsi, because I am hugely addicted to that stuff. But I can't have one without the other, so that's the way it has to be. (Plus, I have an idea if I stick with the water instead of the DP, I'll drop an easy 10 pounds!)

So its now been four days... four days of withdrawal, bitchiness, headaches, grumpiness, fierce cravings for caffeine and nicotine (still no coffee or DP!), and did I mention the bitchiness? Haha. It doesn't help that I chose to do this while it was that time of the month for me. Poor Hubs and the kids. Those first two days I was like a walking ticking time bomb. Ty took the kids to the park many many times, lol.

And so now that I have all this 'spare' time on my hands-- itchy, tense, nervous, spastic hands that need something to do other than hold a smoke-- I find that I'm doing, ugh, I hate to even say it... housework.

This morning, knowing that I was going to do a blog post (something I've avoided because it used to go hand-in-hand with smoking), I needed a diversion and so I completely cleaned and organized my computer desk. I'm talking even pulled out the hard drive and dusted all the cords and vents.

So I'm hopeful and optimistic that this time will be the one. I'm stubbornly adamant that I will not go to the store and buy a pack, and even though I know Hubs would go for me in a heartbeat if I asked (he likes to keep me happy, lol), I won't be asking. The only situation I'm dreading is being in a social setting with smokers. I think I will handle it okay, but who knows, right?

But you know what's funny? I'm missing my DP more than the smokes!

One (baby) step forward, two steps back...

I could have chosen to lie to you all and keep up the pretense that I'm doing awesome on my Mission: Butt Out. But I'm going to be honest with y'all and admit that I am a weak woman. I made it almost three days, then that darn sabotagin' hubby of mine bought me a pack. He's really big on the weaning thing, and is convinced that I can do it that way. After all, "That's how I did it," he said, "I'd have five one day, four the next, and in a week I had quit smoking." Hmm. I do recall that he was able to quit after the first try, with no relapses. I don't know if its because he's a man and is hard-wired differently, or he has stronger willpower, or what.

I definitely am smoking less than I used to. During the day I hardly smoke at all. Its just early in the morning and late at night that I have a problem. But even then, where I'd maybe smoke five, I'm only having three. So that's good. Right?

I hope this doesn't discourage you, Mom, from your own Mission: Butt Out. You're a strong woman and I know you can do anything you put your mind to. I'm still on the Mission, but I guess I've learned that, with me, there's always setbacks and mis-steps. I just have to keep the end goal in sight, and work towards it slowly and steadily. I think maybe I set my sights too high, just thinking I could beat this thing without suffering those setbacks. I've changed my way of thinking -- it doesn't have to be "all or nothing". Even the cutting-back I've been doing is a baby step in the right direction.

So I'm going to remain positive, and work towards my goal at a steady, realistic pace. I know I'll get there, its just going to be a longer journey than I expected.

Besides, did I really expect that I could stop smoking with all this damn Easter chocolate in the house? My scale was crying for mercy.

Mission: Butt Out, Day 2

Sunday night I smoked my last cigarette. Its not like I made a conscious decision at the time, like "Okay, this is it." It was more like, Dang! all out of smokes. Guess I'll get some tomorrow. But when I woke up Monday morning, I thought that maybe I should give it another go. Try to quit cold turkey one more time. See, that's the thing. The only way I can quit is to go cold turkey. The whole 'weaning' thing doesn't work for me, mainly because I have no will power, haha. If I have a full pack of smokes, there's no way I can limit myself to five a day or whatever. Not happenin'. Its all or nothing with me.

Tyler has unknowingly sabotaged all my prior attempts at quitting because he does believe in weaning. I'll be going strong, several hours into my attempt, and a wicked craving will come over me. He'll immediately suggest that he go buy me a pack and I can just have like four that day. Me being the sneaky, lying, weak-willed woman that I am, will instantly agree, "Yes, that sounds great! You go buy me the smokes and I'll start weaning myself off them! Yes!" Only to have the pack finished by the next day. Oops, sorry honey, I really meant to try the weaning thing! (yeah right!! lol)

Of course, Monday morning I started nicking out right away, the second I poured myself a cup of coffee and realized I had no smokes to go with it. I debated all day whether I should run to the store and get some more, but by the end of the night I figured that if I'd made it that long, I could handle a few more hours. It was getting pretty iffy there around 10pm, though. That's the time of night I usually start chain smoking, my "witching hour" -- the kids are all in bed, Ty's usually passed out on the couch, all the good shows are coming on. But I did it. I made it through (of course, I ate about a pound of chocolate mini eggs, damn!)

And so today is Day Two of Mission: Butt Out and if I've been a little jittery and tense, everyone knows why and they're cutting me some slack. I've been downing the kids Easter chocolates like they're going out of style, though, and that has to stop! I'm gonna weigh 500 lbs by the end of the week!

I have such an addictive personality that I'm going to have to replace the nicotine addiction with something else. I've considered drinking a glass of water every time I get a smoke craving, so I might try that. Maybe I'll whittle a carrot into the shape of a cigarette and just pretend I'm smoking it. Gawd, that's pathetic. But its all about baby steps, people. Taking it one day at a time. All those cliches that are now going to become my mottos, haha.

The thing that really sucks about quitting smoking is that you have to really want it, and I'm the type of person who will always love smoking. I love the feel of the cigarette held between my two fingers, I love that first deep drag of smoke into your lungs, the moment where you hold your breath and keep it in, then the rush of the exhale. I love how its the perfect way to pass the time when you're bored; how its an ice-breaker between strangers, when you're standing outside; how it gives you an excuse at work to go for a break (not that I technically "work" anymore but I remember those days, "Smoke break?" you'd say and like five people would perk up and you'd all sneak out for a quick puff).

The main reason I am trying to quit is, of course, because of my children. I would never want them to be motherless, to go through life with that sense of grief and loss, all because of my selfish choice. So that is another mantra I'm clinging to: Do it for the kids.

So cross your fingers for me, knock on wood, rub the rabbits foot, say a little prayer, whatever!

Baby steps, one day, one hour, one minute at a time....