The Protein (Dukan) Diet: Day 3 results

Thank you to Deanna for turning me on to this. Mom started the Dukan diet about two weeks ago and has already lost 17 pounds. SEVENTEEN FRIGGIN POUNDS. So that gave me a well-needed kick in the arse to get going and seriously commit to it. And it IS a commitment. Do you know how hard it is to resist eating what everyone else is and just stick to protein? So I've been drinking my protein shakes, eating fat-free yogurt and lean sandwich meat, fat-free cottage cheese, turkey bacon, etc. I started this two days ago, on Friday (so today is actually the start of day 3, I guess) and I'm already down 2 pounds. Doesn't sound like much but I'm pretty happy. Its a good start. Will keep you guys posted on the results as the days go by.

2011 Resolutions

Okay, enough is enough. Time to wisen up and get serious. After careful consideration, I've determined that these are the areas I need to improve upon...

1. STOP SMOKING.

2. A renewed commitment to the WLJ.
Seriously, enough is enough. No more procrastination, no more bingeing and fasting. Back to the healthy eating and daily exercise, even if its just twenty minutes. The 2012 Final Countdown is a'comin' and I need to be in fighting form. (I'm only half-kidding.)

3. Be a KINDER person.
I know most of you will think, 'But you ARE a kind person, Beau!' Well, honestly, a lot of the time I'm not. I think unkind thoughts, I make snap judgements about people based on their appearance or actions (when I know damn well what happens when you ASSUME), and I hold grudges. I need to make a conscious effort to be nice in both deed and thought. I think I'll become a much happier person.

4. Tame back the road rage.
I used to gape in horrified amazement when Hubs would let loose the road rage and think to myself, 'Wow, he has some ISSUES!' Haha. Well now I find myself being the one screaming at other drivers, letting loose angry tirades about the stupidity of mankind. Some reactions are uncontrollable, like when that jerk cuts you off or passes too close. But sometimes I find myself being fully aware that I am unreasonably angry (I mean, c'mon, is it that big of a deal that buddy waited until the last second to put on his turn signal?), and yet I still yell and curse. I justify it by telling myself I am teaching my children what NOT to do so that when they are drivers, they will be aware of the kind of things some idiot drivers do. And while that may be somewhat true (yes, now they know to be defensive drivers and be watchful for morons that try to run red lights, etc), do I really want my kids to see me exhibiting such rage?

5. Be more PATIENT.
This is kind of related to the kindness thing, but this one in particular is aimed more towards my children. And I'm sure you all think (because I've heard it said) that I am always ever-so-patient with my kids, yaddayadda. Its a show! A put-on for the public! Not saying I'm an evil raging bitch behind closed doors, but sometimes, a little. I find that I don't have patience or even the desire to be patient when it comes to getting what I want done. For example, if I have to tell my kids to get something done more than twice, I can literally feel my blood pressure rising and then its like, "NOW!" I realize this is normal for any parent, especially one with four kids, but there is a lot to be said for recognizing that these are just KIDS and as such, they flow on their own time path. When Ryder is taking forever to get his coat and boots on, I need to stop and take a breather because what seems like such an inconsequential thing is actually teaching him independence and self-reliance. Little things like that, where I tend to take over just to get it done quickly, or bigger things like Gunnar waiting til what seems like the last minute to get his papers done... those are moments when I have a learning opportunity, to become a better parent and create stronger relationships with my children. Give them a break, understand where their behaviour is coming from (after all, its -20 outside, would I really want to be delivering papers in that?), and just let it be, go with their flow.

6. Show true appreciation for what I've been given, and what I've had to work for.

7. Be more loving to Hubs, and more expressive to him how I'm in love with him.
Many times I lose patience with him (there's that patience thing again) or get angry because he doesn't see something the way I do, or if he says or does something I don't agree with. I can be very short-tempered with him or flippant, or I say something disrespectful like 'pffft!' or roll my eyes. Very rude and its embarrassing to admit that I do that. I am a very stubborn person and I tend to think I'm always right. At times my personality can be very dominating and bossy. If you're not with me, you're against me, that sort of thing. Plus, I have a lot of issues with 'authority' that stem from my teenage years, when I felt very stifled, repressed and controlled. A sure way to get me to do something is to tell me NOT to do it. You know? A lot of times I'm actually reacting to the tone of voice or the manner something is being expressed to me, rather than the actual words. Ty might say something to me and his voice sounds angry, but really its because he just got home and had a stressful day; I'll take it in as a criticism or slight, and then in return I've got a bitchy tone and I'm resentful. Its so stupid and childish but its a rut I get stuck in. And so it needs to END, and I need to grow up. Treat my man as a MAN, not my father, not my child, as my HUSBAND that I've willingly chosen to bind myself to, and as such give him the respect, admiration and most importantly, LOVE, that he so deserves. I always compare our relationship to Levi and Amber's, "Why don't you treat me like Levi treats Amber? Why don't I get PDA's and sweet little kisses when noone's looking? Why don't my feelings come first?" etcetc. But its that old adage that I firmly believe in, 'You reap what you sow'. And I'm a big hypocrite! I want all that stuff but I don't expect to have to return the actions, or initiate them in the first place. So that all stops this year. This year I am going to be the best wife ever, considerate and unselfish, thoughtful and caring. And LOVING. The best example of how true mates should treat each other will always be my parents. No matter their issues, no matter the situation, the highs and lows, they were always about showing each other respect, consideration and love. My mother would NEVER have rolled her eyes at my dad. From now on, I will ask myself, 'Would Mom do this?' (we'll call it: WMDT?) and that will be the measuring stick I hold myself accountable to.

8. Stay in better touch with my loved ones, and be the first to initiate contact and communication.
I am sooo bad for this. I leave it for the other person to contact me. (Well, with the exception of Mom and Christine.) But I mean with my brothers, Fred, Kelly, my grandparents... its usually them who calls me, not vice versa. So this year I'm going to really try to be a better friend, sister, daughter, etc. If I find myself thinking of someone or remembering something funny or cute about them, well then dammit I'm going to call them up right then and there and tell them about it! Its something my mom has always encouraged (she's so wise) and I'm going to start doing it more often. So be prepared to be seeing my number on your call display more often!

So there you have it. My list of resolutions for 2011. While I've accomplished some of last year's resolutions (be more organized, procrastinate less), there's still more work to be done. And this will be the year!

So I will it, so shall it be. :)

Five Question Friday

1. If you could be a fly on any wall, which would you choose?

The Pitt-Jolie wall, the Travolta wall (oh those crazy Scientologists and John with his spa escapades), the Playboy Mansion walls, Adam Lambert's wall.

2. Do you budget your Christmas shopping or just get it done without budgeting?

Budget, always. It doesn't necessarily stop us from overspending, though. When you've got four kids to buy for, all the stocking stuffers and gifts from Santa, gifts for both sides of the family, it really adds up. In recent years Hubs and I have stopped getting gifts for each other because it just gets to be too much. I am SO glad that Becky and Amber came up with our family just giving each other 'hugs' for Christmas instead of the $50 gift exchange. Helps out a lot.

3. What is the craziest fad diet you have ever done?

Christine will remember this. In high school, probably grade 7 or 8 (is that right Chris?) I was desperate to lose 20 pounds I'd somehow gained without noticing, and went on an apple-and-water diet. Yes, that's right. I ate one apple a day and then just drank water. I became very adept at hiding this from my parents, would ask to take meals up to my room (then feed them to the dogs), say I wasn't hungry at mealtimes and that I'd just eat later, give my school lunches away to other kids. Looking back, I mean obviously that's such a horrible thing to do to oneself, but what I'm amazed at (and yes I know its shallow and wrong, priority-wise) is the willpower I had. If I tried to do that now, at age 30 rather than 13, I'd probably last half a day before I started snacking. And the sad thing is, is that it worked! The 20 pounds dropped off in like a week and I was able to start eating normally again. Well, somewhat normally. I was always very body-conscious after that and if I felt I was getting "fat" again, I'd fast for a couple of days. So sad, the things that go through young girls' minds and the pressure they feel to be 'thin'.

BUT-- things happen for a reason. Because I've been there and done that, I know the symptoms and signs to look for. And I know that if a healthy, active lifestyle, proper nutrition, and positive self-esteem are encouraged before a girl-child hits that age, there's a much better chance that she'll be able to resist that social pressure. Not saying that my childhood didn't encourage those things but back then, parents didn't even think about that. The media and societal onslaught of 'lose weight', 'look younger', plastic surgery, boob jobs, size zero models, Paris-Hilton-itis... none of that was what it is now. I only have one daughter to guide through that mess, poor Chrissy has THREE. Heaven help us.

4. Is there a TV show that you have seen every episode/season of?
The Office, Modern Family, Friends, Vampire Diaries, Melrose Place (okay so I missed the very first season but that one sucked anyways), Deadwood.

 5. What one song always pulls at your heart?

Wavin' Flag by Young Artists for Haiti (original song by K'naan). I'll be singing along and all of a sudden my throat gets tight, my voice warbles, and I get a tear in my eye. Its a very powerful song. Also, Turn the Page by Bob Seeger (or the Metallica version) because that was Dad's song, Hold On by Sarah McLachlan, and Sister Rosetta Goes Before Us by Allison Krauss and Robert Plant (thanks for introducing me to such a truly, truly beautiful song, Mom. I chose that particular video just for you).

Dedicated to YOU

How does one define the word 'strength'?

Is it purely a physical characteristic, as in how much weight you can lift? Do you define it as 'backbone', meaning having the strength and fortitude to stand up to injustice or to remain true to your morals, values and beliefs? Is it emotional strength, to be able to remain stoic with that stiff upper lip?

Of course, we all know strength encompasses all those. But I want you to think about this for a second: that there is also strength, true strength, in NOT being 'strong'.

Think about the quadriplegic in the wheelchair, unable to use their limbs for lifting and carrying. That person lives with the knowledge that in the eyes of many, they are not 'strong'. They cannot lift their crying child onto their lap, cannot wrap their child in loving arms, cannot even carry their child to safety in a dangerous situation. And yet, to live with that knowledge of all they cannot do, for themselves and their loved ones, is there not immense strength in that?

Think about the old man in the nursing home, who relies on nurses to feed and bathe and clothe him. Alone, forgotten, left with nothing but memories of happier times. To many, this is the epitome of 'weak', the lurking dread in our subconscious, that that will be us one day. And yet, to be in that position day in and day out, dependent upon the goodwill of strangers, reliant on their care, to trust like that... is there not immense strength in that?

And what about the grieving people out there, who have lost the love of their life. The ones who know they have had their one shot at true love, and that they must now carry on without it. To wake every day, arms outstretched to that empty spot beside them. To carry the crushing burden of grief and regret and loss. There's a saying that time heals all wounds, yet don't you think it is just the opposite? For really, time salts the wound; it reminds you constantly that the one you would instinctively turn to for comfort, with whom you would share that funny joke you heard, who is on the same wavelength where just one shared word carries a deeper, inner meaning to you both... that person is gone. And when the world deems that your time to grieve is over, that enough time has passed and you should now be getting 'better', and they can't understand WHY you still cry over the simplest of things, or WHY you can't just 'get over it' and move on, they obviously don't understand that grief and depression are complex and life-lasting. How do you explain the ongoing battle, every damn day, just to get out of bed and put on a happy face and appear 'normal'. And its not that you are doing this out of a general want to 'get better' and 'get over it', it is being done FOR THEM. So that they won't be worried and concerned and feel the need to intervene and do something. But wouldn't it be nice for those people to RECOGNIZE and ACKNOWLEDGE that daily inner battle with the demons of grief, loss and depression? For them to realize, truly realize, that in your failing battle to be 'strong', that THAT is where true inner strength lies? To be told, "You fight a daily battle that would cripple most people, and I am just so, so PROUD of you; that you have found the courage and fortitude to deal with this situation in the best way you can, and I am PROUD of that."

Because I truly believe that it is in our weakest, most frail moments, when we finally allow ourselves to appear weak in front of others, when we abandon the pretense of strength and cry and scream and question "Why!?", when we say "I need you, I just need someone to talk to" and the walls built up to hold in all those volatile emotions come crashing down...

In those moments, there is STRENGTH.

Real, true, deep inner strength.

And so I say to you, YOU, that I am immensely proud of you. I admire you. I respect you. And I understand, I get it. Whatever you choose to do, wherever life's paths take you, I am there, behind you 100%, because I know. You hold more strength of character and will in your little finger than the rest of us combined. And if they don't understand it, if they don't recognize or acknowledge it, if they are embarrassed by your seeming lack of 'strength', then that is THEIR show of weakness, not yours. That is their loss, that they choose to hold close their outdated beliefs rather than open their eyes and SEE the tremendous person you are.

Hold strong to that, remain true to yourself. And above all, BELIEVE. That you are loved, that you inspire respect and pride in those that truly matter, and that you ARE strong.

ILUF2M and M2F.

Five Question Friday

1. Are you a neat sleeper or a messy sleeper?

I am usually a messy sleeper. I toss and turn, flip the pillow a couple of times, get up to go pee, kick my feet out from under the covers so they can 'breathe', throw the covers off when I got hot then pull them back on when I get chilled. I can never decide if I prefer my left or right side to sleep on or if I like laying on my back better, so I'm always switching positions to get more comfortable. Also, my bed tends to get messy before I fall asleep every night, he he.

2. Fill in the blank. I wish I was more ________________.

...assertive (this is a work-in-progress), taller, thinner (duh), blonde, stronger-willed (in regard to will power), long-legged, athletic... I realize a lot of these are things I have no control over but a person can still wish.

3. What is something that you wish you had been warned about?

The importance of staying fit during pregnancy (making it easier to lose those pounds afterwards). The amount of time, money and participation involved when you sign your kids up for hockey. That you should always, always begin as you mean to go on when dealing with certain people, otherwise you can get trapped in a role or position you had no intention of taking; years later, its very hard to break free and say the things you've always wanted or been meaning to say. If you know who I'm talking about, you should understand what I just said.

4. What was the best thing you ever found at a garage sale/flea market?

When we were in the Yukon we went to this great artisan flea market, where all the locals were displaying their hand-made wares. I picked up this amazing bracelet for $10, it coils around your wrist three times and is made up of tiny little hand-carved polar bears in a pale green stone, amber-streaked beads, and tiny pieces of real Yukon gold. It was the only one like it in the collection and I snapped it up immediately so noone else would get it.

5. If you could have any meal brought to you right now, what would it be?

A Chicken Santa Fe Stromboli from Boston Pizza, my favorite thing on their menu by far. Its so delicious and greasy and huge, you feel like a pig for eating the whole thing but the bloated stomach afterward is soooo worth it.

The power of Addiction

I was delivering papers this morning (Gunnar so owes me) and I noticed on the ground two barely-smoked cigarettes. You know, like someone had taken a couple of puffs then threw it on the ground and ground it out with their toe.

And for a crazy, horrible, totally insane moment, I was tempted to pick them up and tuck them in my pocket for future, secretive, use. I actually stood there and contemplated it.

Then Lena yelled something to me and Ryder wheeled past me on his little tricycle and the moment was gone. Away we went.

But that moment continues to haunt me.

It has been, what, almost a year now being cigarette-free and the fact that I can still be tempted just goes to show how strong the power of addiction is. Even the other day, I walked past some people standing outside their work building having a smoke together, and I couldn't stop myself from taking a deep inhale, just breathing that familiar smell in. I watched them with envy as they chit-chatted and puffed away. I used to do that, I used to go for smoke breaks with my work buddies. When you become a non-smoker, its almost like you lose that part of your identity. Who are you without that cigarette in your hand?

I'm lucky that the major hurdle of breaking the addiction is over, but I can see I've still got a ways to go.

WLJ: And the results are in...

Weight: down 3 pounds (BOO!)

Chest: down 2 inches

Waist: down 1 inch

Hips: down 2 inches

Right/Left Mid-Thigh: down 1 inch

Right/Left Upper Arm: no change

So in one month I have lost a combined total of 6 inches, which is pretty awesome, even though that only equals out to 3 damn pounds lost! But wait, now that I think about it, Easter was during that month and I packed on five pounds from chocolate alone. So I guess that actually makes it a total of 8 pounds lost, right? Okay, that sounds more like it, I'm very relieved!

During that month, I completed 22 hour-long workouts consisting of 45 minutes for Cardio Party and 20 minutes for Ab Jam. My goal for this month was "to have lost at least 10 pounds, be down 2-3 inches around my waist/hips, and half an inch around my biceps" -- two out of three ain't bad! (8 pounds is close enough to 10, right? lol) My goal for next month is another 10 pounds and another 2 inches around the waist/hips. I'm not too concerned with arms/legs right now, that's not where most of my excess weight is concentrated and those will slim down in their own time.

So what have I learned? That losing weight is incredibly frustrating (!!) but also incredibly rewarding. Can't wait til next month's results!

P.S. We'll see if those new metabolism/fat burner pills I'm on have any impact on next month's results, considering I'd only started taking them about a week before my weigh-in.

Staying motivated

Losing weight. Its kind of like being on a long and winding, at times depressing, road, where the light at the end of the tunnel is there, but sometimes it seems like you won't ever see it. The key is to get, and STAY, motivated.

A person always starts something with great intentions, energy and enthusiasm; staying with it, going the distance, is the real challenge. Its hard enough working towards a goal that is short-term, even with the gratification of seeing immediate results. When its a long-term goal, that requires an actual change in lifestyle, where you may not see results for a long time, and its just your own dedication and commitment that keeps you going... how does a person do it?

Its kind of like that commercial where it shows a guy surfing and its says "Step 1,056", then it shows him eating some healthy cereal and that is "Step 1". My ultimate goal to be a certain weight, a certain dress size, is like 100,000 steps from where I'm at now (feels that way sometimes!) and so that is what I have to remind myself. Every day that I work toward my goal, every workout that I complete, every healthy meal, puts me that much closer.

Baby steps, right? If it can work that way with quitting smoking (which I still struggle with), then it can be applied for other willpower-reliant goals. Its all about the baby steps...

Stupid chocolate

Well, I've got the working-out part down, now to work on my friggin' willpower! Which is like non-existent. Dang! I do so good during the day, get my workout done, drink water, eat healthy... its that late-night boredom that gets me every time. So I'll say it to myself once more, "Today will be different, today I will have the strength and willpower to resist!"

Now if I could just get Hubs to stop bringing home chocolate treats...

My Tarot reading

On Monday I decided to do a Tarot reading on myself, about my Weight Loss Journey (WLJ, haha). I allowed my mind to wander while I was shuffling (seven times, my lucky number), thinking about my goals, inspiration, commitment, doubts in regard to my WLJ. I then cut the deck, in three piles from left to right, gathered them back together in 2-3-1 formation (second pile, third, first); then I laid the cards out in the Star spread. A few cards were upside-down, or Reversed, but for this reading I chose to ignore that. There are 7 cards in the Star spread and they represent: The Present, Feelings, Thoughts, Significator, Subconscious, Known Desires, and Outcome.

It always amazes me, every time, when I do a reading because I find that everything is dead on. I get goosebumps. So I thought I'd share my reading with y'all and you can see what I mean.

Card 1) The Present: 10 of Cups
Cups is the suit of love, family, emotions, feelings; 10 is highest number, which means the outcome of a situation will either be a complete failure or success. The 10 of Cups represents ultimate satisfaction and contentment. I interpret this to mean that presently I am experiencing the ultimate in emotion and feeling, and that the end result of my WLJ (failure or success) will be influenced by that.

Card 2) Feelings: The Fool
The Fool card represents new opportunities; new beginnings requiring wisdom and courage; a quest for self-knowledge; a fresh start; freedom from past restrictions and constraints; a new phase of the soul's journey. There is exciting energy and endless optimism, but you must temper this idealism with practicality -- be aware of the hard work required. Now is the time to take a risk or seek adventure.

Card 3) Thoughts: Knight of Swords
Knight cards represent action, quest and movement; Swords represent strength, courage and hope. This card is all about ideas, action and conflict; can symbolize being goal-oriented. There is a great surge of energy and events in life speed up; drama unfolds.

Card 4) Significator (the heart of the matter): 9 of Swords
This card is not one you want to see in a spread, especially as a Significator! The 9 of Swords represents self-inflicted cruelty and ultimate conflict. The mind races with negative thoughts that come to no conclusion but to jab at the soul. It shows a situation that is either comfortable or uncomfortable. Its not all bad news though, because there is always an outcome and a way to move forward; be patient and bolster your confidence. This card is so incredibly dead on. Of course the heart of the matter would be about self-inflicted cruelty -- aren't all overweight people incredibly cruel to themselves? This card says to me that now is the time to overcome that, to stay positive and patient and look for ways to feel good about myself and boost my confidence.

Card 5) Subconscious (what is hidden and what will surface): Ace of Wands
Ace cards represent new beginnings; Wands are all about action, will and drive. This card reveals the start of something new, a personal decision, a quest of action. There is a rebirth, a time to emerge and do something new and exciting; its the beginning of a whole new phase of life. Yay!

Card 6) Known Desires: King of Cups
Kings represent mastery, power and strength; Cups are about emotions, family, love, feelings. This card reveals kindness, charity and artistic potential; mastery of emotions, emotional maturity, and the ability to nurture and assist others. This card can signify the head ruling the heart; its better to use both. Act as the King would -- respond calmly in a crisis, use diplomacy not force, reach out to help, accept others views.

Card 7) Outcome: 8 of Wands
Wands are action, drive and will; eight represents stability. I interpret this to mean long-term, stable strength of will and purpose. Which is excellent news for my WLJ! The 8 of Wands represents swiftness, stability and infinity; an adjustment to a faster pace of life but a time to reap reward. There is freedom and restriction, decisions that need action. This card signifies change, life-changing decisions, an entry into a new phase of life which stands a good chance of success. There is a need for assessment and judgement based on self-acceptance. Rise to the challenge and believe you can have it all; this is a time for you to shine.

So what do you think? Pretty accurate, eh? Makes a person shiver.

Let me know when you want me to do a reading for YOU.

LOL

Weekend Update, here we go!

Hello everyone! Its been a while since I've posted so I thought I'd give y'all a little update on what's new with the Kasha family.

• Still not smoking. I don't know the exact number of days its been but it must be around three weeks now, eh? It gets easier every day, though I will admit I have my moments where my fingers are literally itching to hold a smoke. Like when we were camping this weekend, it was my first time camping being smoke-free and it just wasn't the same. Sitting around the fire is so BORING without a smoke in hand, haha.
• Gunnar is a now a productive, active member of the job force! He is a paper carrier for the Red Deer Advocate, and I could not be prouder of him! He has 24 'customers' on his route (here in Westwood) to which he delivers every day, and on Mondays and Thursdays he delivers the flyers and Central Alberta Life papers as well. The little bugger is pulling in over $120 a month! He is absolutely ecstatic to be earning that much money and already has a list of all the things he wants to buy. I did have to explain to him that just because he has his "own" money now does not mean he can buy anything he wants, like a Blackberry phone, haha.
• We went camping out by Prairie Creek just this past weekend and had an absolute blast. The Elgert clan was out there and saved us a spot. We weren't in the actual campground, thank god, but just off the side of the road in a big clearing. Everyone out there had their 'toys' so it was like a real community of quadders and bikers (dirt-bikers, that is). I have some great pics and video footage that I'll put up later in another post. We came home late late Sunday night and were unlucky enough to be caught in that nightmare storm while driving. Ty was in the motorhome pulling the trailer, in front of me, and I was driving the truck with all the bikes in the back. You guys, I have NEVER driven through anything that scary in my entire life. The rain was coming down so hard and fast my wipers could not keep up, there was like a foot of water on the road, and I couldn't even see the road! Once in a while, during a lightning flash, I could make out the white line on the side of the road and that is the only thing that kept me going straight. I was praying out loud the entire time.
• Oh, and I brought home some 'souvenirs' from our camp trip, in the form of hundreds of red welts all over my body, courtesy of those delightful little bugs known as 'no-see-ums'. How nice for me, eh? The areas of my body affected the worst are my ankles, calves and left wrist, but I have them on my chest, forearms, and the back of my neck, too. I have never, ever felt anything as itchy as those tiny red spots, I have literally been scratching the skin right off my body trying to appease the awful itching. After-Bite does not work, neither does calamine lotion or that old-fashioned stand by -- making an X with your fingernails then dabbing spit on it. The only thing that gives me a moment's relief is spraying Solarcaine on the bites, which cools and numbs the skin for about a minute. Then its fiery itching pain all over again. And on the Solarcaine bottle it says not to apply more than four times a day. YA RIGHT!! I've been doing it like four times an hour, and to hell with the recommended dosage. And the thing that's weird with the bites is that I didn't notice them while I was out there; it was only after we came home and went to bed, the next morning is when I noticed that I was covered head-to-toe in them. That was Monday morning. It is now Wednesday and it seems like every day I am getting covered in more. It makes me think that my pillow, which I brought camping, is maybe infested with them and they come out at night and crawl all over me and feast? Except I don't see the bugs on my bedding. And Ty isn't getting bitten, just me. So what is going on? Do I have fleas? What does a flea bite look like? But if it was fleas Ty would for sure have them too, right? So I don't know WTF is going on here. All I know is that if the itchiness doesn't go away soon, I am going be covered in scars because it is seriously impossible for me to not scratch. It just feels soooo goooood, even when it bleeds. The pain disguises the itching, at least for a few seconds.
• I'm planning on having our garage sale two weekends from now, so not this coming weekend but the next one. I think its the 16th. I really need to get rid of all that stuff, so I'm going to advertise in the local paper and hopefully there'll be a good turnout. Like I said before, if anyone has anything they want to get rid of and donate to us, please do so before that weekend. Thanks!
• Ty and I are re-starting our Deadwood obsession and are already on Disc 4 of the first season. Gunnar watched a bit of the show with us last night and he thought it was "hilarious" how often the F-word was said. He goes to me, "Mom, I bet you wished this was real life and you were there, because you would get $1 for every swear-word!" (I've instituted a new rule around here after noticing my boys were starting to swear like sailors, and since both boys are notoriously cheap with their moola they are now very conscious of what they say, lol. But they do both owe me about $5.)
• OMG, get this! Ryder got scratched on his finger (or bitten, but I think scratched) by a squirrel when we were camping! It didn't draw blood, and I immediately washed his hand with soap and water, then put antibacterial/disinfectant spray all over the hand. When we got home I called HealthLink and they said they were 99% sure he was okay based on lack of symptoms, no blood drawn, and the squirrel looked healthy. But anytime there's an "encounter with wildlife" HealthLink has to notify a certain agency and they then call you to discuss the encounter. So that guy called me and asked all about what happened, then he said he had to call the Medical Officer to see what he thought, about whether Ryder would need a Rabies shot! Ai-ay-ay! Poor kid. So I'm waiting to hear back from the guy and get the final verdict.

UPDATE Mission: Butt Out Pt. 2, Day 6

Its now Day 6 and I feel like I'm slowly starting to lose my mind. I can't say that I'm having any physical withdrawal symptoms, other than the occasional headache, but its my mental state I'm worried about, lol.

You don't realize how much of a crutch smoking becomes for you until its no longer there. Before, it was like if I was stressed out, anxious, nervous, bored, hungry, or whatever, I could have a smoke (or two) and it chilled me out and gave me something to do. Now I don't have that and I think I might be going slightly insane. My mind goes in circles, over and over, always thinking thoughts and there's no nicotine-break to stop the cycle. My hands want to do something, they want to repeat that hand-to-mouth motion, so my mind says "Eeeaaatttt sssoommethingggg..." so my hands can do the motion. But I flat out REFUSE to replace smoking with eating, oh no, I am so not going down that road. Instead, I give my hands the motion of bringing a glass of water to my mouth, less satisfying but less fattening, lol.

When it gets to the point where I just can't stand it, then I have to put my body in action. I have to physically do something that will give me a feeling of satisfaction. (And seeing how I chose to do this during Aunt Flo's visit, my favorite activity is off limits, boo!) So as a result, I have now accomplished the following in my house: installed two hanging candle holders in the livingroom, put up the picture shelf in the hallway, sorted and put away a box of filing stuff in my room, cleaned all the upstairs bedrooms, cleaned the microwave, and did ALL the laundry (even blankets and pillows). The next projects I have lined up for the coming days are: scrubbing the ever-lovin' shit out of the dining table and chairs, sorting the other box of filing in my room, vacuuming the cobwebs in the high corners of the walls, cleaning and organizing all the kitchen cupboards and cabinets. There are many more such projects but I have to ration them to get me through the coming month.

And I'm proud to say that I haven't touched a drop of DP in these past 6 days, as well. Or any other type of pop. Its been just water and the occasional glass of juice or milk. It totally sucks but I am doing it. And I've lost six pounds so its worth it. Woohoo!

My 200th Post! And I can't even have a smoke to celebrate

200 posts on the ole blog... *clearing my throat*... "I'd like to thank the Academy... my fans and followers, who read my posts religiously and give me support and encouragement, and the occasional comment... and, of course, my husband and children, who give me inspiration on a daily basis for my posts. Thank you, thank you everyone!"

It is now Day Four of Mission: Butt Out Pt. 2 (because Pt.1 went so well, haha) and I must admit I'm doing okay. The worst times for me are in the early morning and late at night. I used to wake up in the morning, the kids all still in bed, and I'd sit down at the computer with my cup of coffee and chain smoke my way through the entire pot. During the rest of the day, I might have the odd smoke here and there, but I usually get busy doing other stuff that I don't even think about it. But late at night, when the kids are in bed and its just Hubs and me, watching tv, out come the ciggies and the Diet Pepsi.

I don't even know why I suddenly decided to quit, but one night I smoked the last butt in the pack and I thought to myself, "I'm not going to buy more in the morning." I woke up and purposely did not make a pot of coffee, I just drank a couple glasses of water. And come that night, I sat and drank water while watching tv. It just about killed me that first night, giving up not just the smokes but the Diet Pepsi, because I am hugely addicted to that stuff. But I can't have one without the other, so that's the way it has to be. (Plus, I have an idea if I stick with the water instead of the DP, I'll drop an easy 10 pounds!)

So its now been four days... four days of withdrawal, bitchiness, headaches, grumpiness, fierce cravings for caffeine and nicotine (still no coffee or DP!), and did I mention the bitchiness? Haha. It doesn't help that I chose to do this while it was that time of the month for me. Poor Hubs and the kids. Those first two days I was like a walking ticking time bomb. Ty took the kids to the park many many times, lol.

And so now that I have all this 'spare' time on my hands-- itchy, tense, nervous, spastic hands that need something to do other than hold a smoke-- I find that I'm doing, ugh, I hate to even say it... housework.

This morning, knowing that I was going to do a blog post (something I've avoided because it used to go hand-in-hand with smoking), I needed a diversion and so I completely cleaned and organized my computer desk. I'm talking even pulled out the hard drive and dusted all the cords and vents.

So I'm hopeful and optimistic that this time will be the one. I'm stubbornly adamant that I will not go to the store and buy a pack, and even though I know Hubs would go for me in a heartbeat if I asked (he likes to keep me happy, lol), I won't be asking. The only situation I'm dreading is being in a social setting with smokers. I think I will handle it okay, but who knows, right?

But you know what's funny? I'm missing my DP more than the smokes!

One (baby) step forward, two steps back...

I could have chosen to lie to you all and keep up the pretense that I'm doing awesome on my Mission: Butt Out. But I'm going to be honest with y'all and admit that I am a weak woman. I made it almost three days, then that darn sabotagin' hubby of mine bought me a pack. He's really big on the weaning thing, and is convinced that I can do it that way. After all, "That's how I did it," he said, "I'd have five one day, four the next, and in a week I had quit smoking." Hmm. I do recall that he was able to quit after the first try, with no relapses. I don't know if its because he's a man and is hard-wired differently, or he has stronger willpower, or what.

I definitely am smoking less than I used to. During the day I hardly smoke at all. Its just early in the morning and late at night that I have a problem. But even then, where I'd maybe smoke five, I'm only having three. So that's good. Right?

I hope this doesn't discourage you, Mom, from your own Mission: Butt Out. You're a strong woman and I know you can do anything you put your mind to. I'm still on the Mission, but I guess I've learned that, with me, there's always setbacks and mis-steps. I just have to keep the end goal in sight, and work towards it slowly and steadily. I think maybe I set my sights too high, just thinking I could beat this thing without suffering those setbacks. I've changed my way of thinking -- it doesn't have to be "all or nothing". Even the cutting-back I've been doing is a baby step in the right direction.

So I'm going to remain positive, and work towards my goal at a steady, realistic pace. I know I'll get there, its just going to be a longer journey than I expected.

Besides, did I really expect that I could stop smoking with all this damn Easter chocolate in the house? My scale was crying for mercy.

I'm giving myself a pat on the back right now

I'm kinda proud of myself today. Not only did I get my lazy ass in gear this morning and do my workout, but... I took the kids to the park today. And why is that such a big deal, you ask? Because I rode my bike to the park with both kidlets in the carrier behind me (so that's about 75 pounds extra weight I was haulin') but.... I went to the park by the cop shop! And it only took me 10 minutes to bike there! For those of you familiar with the layout of Sylvan, and where my house is, you know that's like, what... six kilometres? Maybe more, maybe less -- I'm so bad at figuring out distances.

I just can't believe I did it in 10 minutes! I must've been bookin'er! I debated wearing my bike helmet (I look like SUCH a dork) but its a good thing I did because not even a minute into riding, a cop drove by! See, that's why I always trust my gut instinct.

We had such a fun time at the park. Oh, except for when Lena took off her rubber boots and refused to put them back on, so all the other moms thought I was a horrible parent, letting my kid run around in the wet sand with only socks on. What a stubborn creature she is. Ryder loves slides but the only slide there is one of those high ones. You should've seen his face as he was sliding down -- head first, because Lena helped him up there then just pushed him down the slide! -- it was like part pure terror, part exhilaration, part WTF?! Haha. At one point, I was off gathering pinecones under a tree and when I turned around I noticed both kids crouched down, playing with something in the grass. Turned out it was a pile of tiny rabbit turds (or some small-ish animal). And before I could race over there in time, yep, you guessed it. Ryder shoved a handful into his mouth, thinking they were Easter chocolate eggs. BLECH!! Poor kid. Yet another comical face he made, What the hell did I just put in my mouth?! Haha. And of course, being the brainless mom I am, I didn't bring any wipes or kleenexes or anything with me, to wipe off his face and clear the shit out of his mouth. So I used his shirt. Oh yeah, those moms were glaring at me.

But get this. There was a mom that showed up with a little boy and a baby. And the baby had no socks or shoes on! He had pants and a thick wooly hoody, but no frickin' socks, just bare feet! And she was totally nonchalant about it! I mean, sure it was sunny out, but in no way could you consider it a 'warm' day - the wind was so cold. I was horrified, and kept staring at the poor kids feet. She caught me looking and made a half-hearted little rub of his feet. Then she sat down on the wooden edge of the playground and stood her little baby up on his feet between her legs, with his bare feet in the cold wet sand! And there was a little patch of snow by his feet and his tiny toes kept touching the snow. And she was completely oblivious! I was so furious! Finally she must've felt the waves of rage coming off me and gathered up her kids and left. What a dumb b*tch! At least the other mom's opinions of me were raised like a 100% after she showed up.

So the ride back home was interesting. Took me 15 minutes that time, mainly because I was sooo friggin' exhausted AND the wind was blowing like 100 kph and it was blowing against me. Even coming down the home stretch, 60 Street, when I finally made it up the hill and thought, "Yes!! Now my lazy ass can just coast down the hill!" but no. The wind was so strong that I had to pedal downhill. I'm sure if I would've stopped pedalling, my bike would be pushed backwards.

By the time I made it home, my legs were like shaking, limp noodles. Walking became a new experience as my legs were moving all jerkily, wanting to go every which way. I somehow managed to get the bike and carrier back in the garage, haul the kids inside, haul the bag full of water bottles (which I totally forgot to drink) and pinecones inside. I tell ya though, climbing the steps up to the front door, I almost had to physically lift my legs to get them to rise those six inches or so.

Then I had to throw the kids in the bath, get all the sand (and rabbit turds) off them. Put Ryder in bed with a bottle, forced Lena to climb into her own bed for a nap, then I collapsed onto my own bed and I was OUT. Woke up two hours later, and felt wonderful! Seriously, I'm not being sarcastic for once. My legs don't even hurt.

So maybe I'll do that again tomorrow, weather permitting. Gotta admit though, that part of me is wishing for a cold, blustery day. Haha!

Mission: Butt Out, Day 2

Sunday night I smoked my last cigarette. Its not like I made a conscious decision at the time, like "Okay, this is it." It was more like, Dang! all out of smokes. Guess I'll get some tomorrow. But when I woke up Monday morning, I thought that maybe I should give it another go. Try to quit cold turkey one more time. See, that's the thing. The only way I can quit is to go cold turkey. The whole 'weaning' thing doesn't work for me, mainly because I have no will power, haha. If I have a full pack of smokes, there's no way I can limit myself to five a day or whatever. Not happenin'. Its all or nothing with me.

Tyler has unknowingly sabotaged all my prior attempts at quitting because he does believe in weaning. I'll be going strong, several hours into my attempt, and a wicked craving will come over me. He'll immediately suggest that he go buy me a pack and I can just have like four that day. Me being the sneaky, lying, weak-willed woman that I am, will instantly agree, "Yes, that sounds great! You go buy me the smokes and I'll start weaning myself off them! Yes!" Only to have the pack finished by the next day. Oops, sorry honey, I really meant to try the weaning thing! (yeah right!! lol)

Of course, Monday morning I started nicking out right away, the second I poured myself a cup of coffee and realized I had no smokes to go with it. I debated all day whether I should run to the store and get some more, but by the end of the night I figured that if I'd made it that long, I could handle a few more hours. It was getting pretty iffy there around 10pm, though. That's the time of night I usually start chain smoking, my "witching hour" -- the kids are all in bed, Ty's usually passed out on the couch, all the good shows are coming on. But I did it. I made it through (of course, I ate about a pound of chocolate mini eggs, damn!)

And so today is Day Two of Mission: Butt Out and if I've been a little jittery and tense, everyone knows why and they're cutting me some slack. I've been downing the kids Easter chocolates like they're going out of style, though, and that has to stop! I'm gonna weigh 500 lbs by the end of the week!

I have such an addictive personality that I'm going to have to replace the nicotine addiction with something else. I've considered drinking a glass of water every time I get a smoke craving, so I might try that. Maybe I'll whittle a carrot into the shape of a cigarette and just pretend I'm smoking it. Gawd, that's pathetic. But its all about baby steps, people. Taking it one day at a time. All those cliches that are now going to become my mottos, haha.

The thing that really sucks about quitting smoking is that you have to really want it, and I'm the type of person who will always love smoking. I love the feel of the cigarette held between my two fingers, I love that first deep drag of smoke into your lungs, the moment where you hold your breath and keep it in, then the rush of the exhale. I love how its the perfect way to pass the time when you're bored; how its an ice-breaker between strangers, when you're standing outside; how it gives you an excuse at work to go for a break (not that I technically "work" anymore but I remember those days, "Smoke break?" you'd say and like five people would perk up and you'd all sneak out for a quick puff).

The main reason I am trying to quit is, of course, because of my children. I would never want them to be motherless, to go through life with that sense of grief and loss, all because of my selfish choice. So that is another mantra I'm clinging to: Do it for the kids.

So cross your fingers for me, knock on wood, rub the rabbits foot, say a little prayer, whatever!

Baby steps, one day, one hour, one minute at a time....