Saturday from HELL

CAUTION: THOSE OF YOU WITH WEAK STOMACHS WILL WANT TO SKIP THESE FIRST TWO PARAGRAPHS. *thinking* ACTUALLY, MAYBE THIS ENTIRE POST.

So how's this for irony? You see on the right sidebar there my new poll 'What's more traumatizing?' -- see the first option, baby + dirty diaper? That was something that happened with Ardan, many years ago. Well, guess what I woke up to this morning? Oh yeah, you're getting the visual there, aren't you?

I had been up with Ryder only once, at 4am, fed him, changed him, but for some insane reason I decided not to put his pajama pants back on. Don't ask me why. Maybe I thought he'd be more comfortable or he was too hot or something. I know, I know. A seasoned mom of 4 would never do something so idiotic, right? Lets blame these last 10 months of sleep deprivation. Anyway, so its 8am, I go in his room with a bottle and the first thing that hits me is the stench. Then I see the crib. And the sheets. The blankets. The stuffed animals. Not wanting to look and have to face the reality of what exactly I was seeing, I paused, took a deep breath (which I immediately regretted) then looked at the baby. OH. MY. GOD!!!! When I say he was wearing a shit-eating grin... you get the idea. He looked like he'd spent a month in a tanning bed, that's how brown he was. Sorry for getting detailed there but if I have to live with that horrific image the rest of my life, so do you.

I'm sure the entire west side of Sylvan heard my gag reflex. On the plus side, it woke up Tyler and he came a'running, took one look, one whiff, and ran for the bathroom. Yeah, 'cause I'm mean like that. Haha. Hey, don't feel sorry for him, he's not the one who had to scrub the shit off the baby, the crib, the bedding, the tub, nor did he have to do that lovely load of laundry then sanitize the washer. So that was my morning.

Flash forward to this afternoon. Before I say anymore, you should know that I've picked up a bad head cold from one of the kids. You know, the kind of cold where a sneeze feels like a nuclear explosion has went off in your brain. The kind where a laugh turns into a cough that goes on and on until you either gag or collapse on the floor, gasping for breath. Or in my case... well, we'll get to that. Those of you that have birthed multiple children know where I'm heading with this. So I was in the kitchen and one of the kids said something hilarious and I started to laugh, then cough. They watched in horrified amazement as I clung to the counter, coughing non-stop, legs desperately clenched together. And then it happened. I could feel it coming but there was nothing I could do, I was too busy trying to drag precious air into my lungs. Yes, ladies and gents, I pissed my pants.

Thank GOD I had just went to the bathroom so its not like I was standing in a puddle, but there was enough that I couldn't hide it. My kids were HORRIFIED. They've heard my mom and I joke around about it before, hell they've seen her do the same during a laughing or coughing fit. But I'm their mom, that's not supposed to happen in their fantastical little world, they're not supposed to witness my shame. Hahaha. As I ran to the bedroom to change I could hear their hysterical giggling and I'm pretty sure I heard the word "pissy-pants" out of one of their mouths. I'm going to have to come up with a good threat so they don't share this hilarious story with their school buddies.

So then its around 4-5pm, Tyler and the kids are rushing around, getting ready to go quadding. I'm on the couch, watching Mr and Mrs Smith, enjoying a fantasy of Brad Pitt chasing me around the house wearing just his underwear. Mmmmm.... where was I? Oh yes. I left to go check on the baby and when I came back, the kids were all on the couch, watching the movie. REALLY watching the movie. Like, leaning forward, totally fascinated by what was happening. So I look and oh holy hell, its the sex scene. "Mom, why is he smashing her around like that while they're, uh...?" Something inside me snapped, all the events of the day coming to a head, visions of poop and pissy-pants and Brad-Pitt-hot-sex. "GET OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW!! GO HELP YOUR FATHER!"

Should I be ashamed to admit that the reason I was mostly upset was because I missed out on the sex scene? I mean, c'mon! This is Brad Pitt we're talking about here people, don't you know he's my future husband? Yes, yes, I know, I already have a husband. That's why I said FUTURE. When poor old Tyler kicks the bucket, I'm moving to Hollywood and stealing my man back from Ms Jolie. I plan on using my kids as enticement. "You like kids, well I've got four!" I just have to make sure the pissy-pants story never comes up.