What would YOU say?

Well folks, its come to that time where my kids, Gunnar in particular, are asking me personal questions and I find that I'm struggling to come up with the 'right' answer. 'Right' meaning honest and straight-forward, but not too specific. Here is the question that was put to me the other night:

"Mom, have you ever done drugs?"

My heart sank. How was I to answer that? I've always done my best to be truthful with my kids. And yet, you don't want them to get the impression that because mom or dad did something, they can too. Or that its an acceptable, normal, expected behaviour. Also, how specific should you be? I've been very open with my kids when it comes to talking about drugs, which ones are extremely dangerous and addictive, the damage that drugs to your body, your family, your life. We've talked about peer pressure and how hard, but necessary, it is to say no sometimes and stay true to your beliefs. Due to my slight Nirvana obsession, we've even had talks about Kurt and Courtney's heroin addiction, and the tragic role it played in their lives. However, I'm not naive enough to think they will never do drugs, and I've been honest about that too, which is why I've been upfront about which drugs are extremely dangerous and should be avoided, mainly heroin, meth and cocaine, and which ones are considered less harmful, like marijuana. If my child is at a party when he's 14 and offered drugs, I'd rather he choose the joint than the lines on the table. Of course, saying no to both would be my first choice, but is that likely, I don't know.

Its important for children to be informed so they can make decisions they'll feel strongly about. If a parent says don't do drugs because 'they're bad' or 'because I say so', that parent has set their child up for failure, in my opinion. If the child doesn't know what 'bad' entails, they'll think it can't be that bad. And I think we all know that a weak answer like 'because I say so' is practically daring the child to rebel. That's why I love the show Intervention, because its one thing to explain about addiction and the horrible tragic effects drugs have (not just on the user, but their entire family). Its entirely different when they can see what those people are going through and witness the damage.

Another thing that I wonder about is at what age do you give full disclosure? Obviously you wouldn't tell a 6 year old the specific details, their mind isn't ready or capable for handling that information. You don't want to be condescending either (kids pick up on that) and say 'oh you're too young to hear about that'. Nowadays, in this fast-paced world where kids are seeing violent and explicit images on tv, advertising, video games, magazines, being properly informed is crucial. They need to be taught right from wrong but more importantly, they need to know the reasoning behind it. So yes, age 6 is too young but do you wait until they are 18 and technically an 'adult' and better able to understand? A friend of mine found out a few years ago that her dad, someone she had always thought to be anti-drug, did a particularly "bad" drug with all his friends at a party once. She was totally shocked and said it almost felt like a betrayal. Here was her dad, someone she'd always looked up to as a role model, and it had been comforting to know he was "good". To find out he was just as human as the rest of us was disappointing. So if my child is going to find out I did some idiotic things in my past, would I rather him think I'm an idiot from day one or find out at a later date and think I'm a hypocrite?

Another thing to consider is what role does a person's childhood experiences play in the decisions they make? Someone who grows up in a household with an alcoholic or drug-user parent, will they come away from those experiences thinking "I'll never be like that" or will it be "Well they did it"? Speaking from personal childhood experiences, I learned that most things are okay in moderation. My parents were bikers so of course I witnessed some wild and crazy behaviour at gatherings, but all of us kids (not just me and my siblings, but the kids of everyone else) just chalked it up to "those crazy parents" and did our own thing. Some things affected me more than others. Being a very mature child, I was more concerned with the loss of dignity and control when I saw someone drunk and staggering, I just thought "Wow, I never want to look foolish like that". Which is why its rare for me to get 'wasted' as an adult, I don't like to lose that control over myself. I'd rather have a wicked buzz than a blackout.

So, back to the drug question. With all these thoughts running around in my head, it took me a while to formulate an answer. After much consideration, the best I could manage was this:

"You know, Gunnar, that I always want to be as honest as I can be with you. And I'm glad that you come to me when you have questions like this. Sometimes though, you have to remember that its my life you're asking about, and some things are very personal. Okay? And just because I chose to do something doesn't mean that I made the right choice, do you understand? So I will be honest with you and tell you that yes, I have done drugs when I was younger. Sometimes it was because I was in a situation where everyone else was doing it and I wasn't confident enough to say no. Other times it was because I thought it made me look cool. But you know what I found out? That my true friends didn't care if I said no, they were still my friends. And sometimes, when you do something to look 'cool', you can end up looking like a total idiot. Do you know what I mean? Like for example, when I was about 11-12, for some reason it was considered 'cool' to wear huge plastic baby soothers around our necks and we would walk around sucking on them. Yeah, I know. Idiotic, right? Now I'm totally embarrassed I ever wanted to do that, but do you know what? My parents took that soother away from me after the first time I wore it and even though I was kinda mad at the time, now I'm so relieved they did that. But here's the most important thing of all - no matter what you do, your dad and I will always love you and be there for you. Its okay to make mistakes, everyone does at some point, and its okay if you make the wrong decision, because Lord knows I have too. Its easy for me to be proud of you when you do the right thing, but its more important for you to be able to be proud of yourself. If you knowingly do something shameful or something you know in your heart is wrong, you will have to live with that for the rest of your life. Not to mention that at some point, your own kids will ask you a question and only you will know if the answer you give is truthful or not. Do you get what I'm saying?"

And I think he does get it. I hope I handled that okay, but I guess I won't know that until he's older and I see how he chooses to deal with certain things. Its so hard being a parent, you're always second-guessing yourself and wondering if you're doing more harm than good.

So, what do you guys think? Has anyone ever gone through this, and how did you handle it? Please leave a comment, I'll take all the advice or suggestions I can get.