Advice for the Unaware Parent

Put yourself in the shoes of a parent -- your sweet, innocent baby is born and you are filled with overwhelming love for this child; as the first year goes by and each milestone is met with joy and pride, you are convinced there has never been a more smart, amazing, wonderful child as yours; then you enter the toddler years and even though your child starts displaying some questionable behaviour, you know that your little angel is still perfect and wonderful.

Then you find yourself in a situation that requires a certain amount of decorum and respectful behaviour, and you start to wonder whether your sweet toddler can handle it. Of course, a toddler is what it is, and therefore a certain amount of leniency must be given by both the parents and the other people attending this solemn event. But if that event is a FUNERAL, well...

So heed this advice, all you parents of toddlers, and maybe you can avoid going through what I went through today...

• Remember that one bottle is never enough, always have a spare one packed, in the event that your hungry child has already downed almost the entire bottle by the time you arrive at the funeral. Because said child will give no thought to the fact that the service has started and the entire room is filled with respectful silence, while he sucks desperately at the empty bottle and eventually starts to bang the empty bottle against the nearest hard object so as to obtain the maximum noise level that demonstrates his annoyance with you.
• Always make sure your adorable toddler has had his nap BEFORE the funeral starts, and not just a ten-minute catnap on the drive there. Because an irritable, hyper, over-tired toddler that continues to crawl all over you, and the person sitting next to you, while the family of the deceased are giving their eulogies, is just downright annoying and EMBARRASSING.
• When your precious toddler has finally pissed you and entire congregation off enough and you decide to take him and leave the room, give careful thought to your footwear of choice. If you are wearing heels, the loud click-clack of the heels slapping against the linoleum WILL cause the majority of the room to turn and look at you. So be prepared to put on your best I'm-so-sorry-what-can-I-say-he's-a-toddler face, and hightail it out of there as fast as you can.
• If you make the poor decision to take your rambunctious toddler into the bathroom, in the hope that he will be able to entertain himself in there without causing noise, please note that that decision WILL backfire on you. Not only will your child decide to entertain himself by playing in the toilet water, flushing every single toilet repeatedly, pull all the toilet paper and paper towels off the rolls, and scream with delight at each of these actions, the noise will reach a certain level that echoes throughout the bathroom and amplifies itself so that the entire building will ring out with the sounds of your child's innocent joy.
• If you make the poor decision to take your beautiful toddler into the hallway, thinking that nothing could be worse than the bathroom ordeal, you will be wrong. First of all, there is no other option for a hyper baby to expend his energy in a hallway than by running frantically back and forth from one end to another. And if you thought the sound of your heels slapping on the floor was loud, imagine what a tiny pair of sneakers can do.
• With those two options decidedly out, the only other realistic thing you can do, besides going back into the room, is to take your angelic toddler outside to let him play and use up all that energy. And this is why a seasoned parent would have packed another set of clothes just for play and not 'show' (meaning dressy clothes) and you could then change your child into those clothes and they could play in the dirt and rocks and dandelions till their hearts content without ruining their nice 'funeral clothes'. A dough-head parent, such as myself, would not think to change the child into those play clothes, and thus at the end of outside playtime your toddler will be covered in dust and grime and grass stains and dandelion fluff.
• When you've decided that its time to go back inside and get out of the boiling sun that has melted your makeup and flattened your hair into a sweaty, over-hairsprayed mess, make sure that you have actually given your wonderful toddler enough time to burn off all that energy. Because if you haven't, you are just putting yourself right back at square one when you finally sit your exhausted ass back in your seat.
• So by this time, the entire room is well aware of your predicament and the fact that you made an honest effort to spare them has now given them an appreciation of you, and they are less likely to get upset when your sweet toddler continues to act the brat. Also, enough time has gone by that the funeral is almost over and everyone is either starting to get antsy or they are so overcome by emotion that they are looking for an amusing diversion. And so when your toddler decides that it is the most hilarious thing ever to find a spare row of seats and step/crawl/hop over from seat to seat, going down the entire row back and forth, you will find that almost every face has a huge smile and twinkling eyes, and they now think that he is just the most adorable and cutest thing ever. Some will even interact with him, holding out their arms in a 'come-to-grandma' way, chuckling when he gives them the hairy eyeball and looks at their outstretched arms with wary suspicion. They will turn to each other and remark at what a "high-spirited" boy he is (which is a very nice roundabout way of saying 'hyper') and they will comment on his pinkened cheeks (note: bring sunscreen) and sparkling eyes.
• By the time the funeral has ended, your toddler's antics and the obvious hardships you've endured trying to deal with them, has endeared everyone to you and they feel like they've known you forever. (More of a case of 'been-there-done-that' and they can relate and sympathize.) Now starts the socializing part of the funeral, where relatives and old friends reconnect and chitchat. And every single person will make a point of bringing the conversation around to your toddler and what a patient parent you are. Of course, you know differently (after all, they didn't see that moment in the bathroom where your hand just wanted to spank that bum soooo bad), but never let them know that. They now think you are a candidate for sainthood, ESPECIALLY when they realize that the three other children in the row beside you are also yours. "FOUR CHILDREN! How do you do it?!?" (If you have even a drop of Simcoe blood, your tongue will just be itching to reply, "Whenever we can find a spare moment alone!" HAH!)
• And the last piece of advice that I can give you is this: do not hesitate for even one second to take advantage of the fact that your in-laws brought their kids as well, and simply pawn your amazing toddler off on them. If one of the kids happens to be over 16, BONUS!! Now you can let your toddler go off with the teen and know that you can just sit back and relax, have a cup of coffee or two, and let all that stress and hassle just roll off your shoulders directly onto the teen who is now chasing your rowdy toddler around the parking lot.