Don't you just love Saturdays? Sleeping in, watching cartoons, wakey-wakey-eggs-and-bakey (uh, bacon), puttering around, just taking it easy. Heaven, right?
Well, welcome to my HELL...
1) After finally getting The DICKens to sleep last night at 1:30am, I crawled into bed anticipating a wonderful Saturday morning sleep-in. You know, assuming that he'd be out until at least nine. There I go assuming again (ain't that a bitch, Levi? hah). Nope, there he was beside my bed at 7am, happy and hyper and wanting me to change his wet pull-up (ya, cause that night-time potty training is going SO well). Did that, begrudgingly, then ordered him back to bed. Or at least to his room to play "quietly". He takes instruction so well. (That's sarcasm, if you didn't recognize it.) After tossing and turning, trying in vain to fall back asleep for even twenty more measly minutes, listening to the crashes and bashes and singing and demands for Lena to wake up, I just gave up.
2) Thinking I would be a nice wife and mother, I started making the big breakfast. Got out the Bacon Wave, that wonderful handy invention that I picked up at Bianca's for $3. I loaded it up with bacon and popped it in the microwave. One minute per slice, so fourteen minutes total. Just like it said in the instructions, right? Time was up and I opened the mikey to take it out and load it up with batch two of bacon. Only to notice that the bacon was burnt to beyond a crisp and there was grease pooled everywhere on the glass microwave tray. What the...? Picked up the bacon wave and then oh-mother-of-god, all hell broke loose. The entire middle part of the bacon wave just collapsed into a big melted pile of white plastic and black bacon. Stupid piece of mother-effing crap junk plastic! I couldn't believe it. No wonder it was $3! So there went twenty minutes of my time, scraping melted plastic and burnt bacon off the glass tray, cleaning up all that grease. Good thing I had a second package of bacon, ended up frying it on the stove the old-fashioned way. Grrrrr!
3) So I'm chopping and dicing veggies for the omelets. Tomatoes, onions and just for shits-and-giggles, some jalapenos that we had lying around. Now with this particular batch of jalapenos, it was a toss-up if you'd get a nice mellow pepper or a burning-hot one. Erring on the side of caution, I treated that pepper like it was volcanic. Was very careful to wash my hands afterward, even under the nails. But you know what I learned? Jalapenos don't care about that. I made the fatal mistake of touching my mouth and within seconds, the burning started. A minute later, I had puffy, red, swollen, itching, burning lips. Agony. Stupidity! But here's the ultimate in dumb-assery... I decided to switch my glasses for contacts. That's right. Contact lenses. That you insert into your eyeballs using your fingers. Oh ya. I went there. After the first minute passed, me hunched over hissing, clenched teeth, tears pouring, when I could finally open my eyes, I decided that it would be better to just endure the sting than to try to remove the contacts and possibly make it worse. So that just completed the ogre-look I was going for, bloodshot eyes to match my duck lips.
4) Lastly, when it was all said and done, breakfast eaten, cleaned up, chaos calmed somewhat, I sat the kids in front of the tv for some good old cartoons. Flipped through the channels in shock because, wouldn't you know it, so much time had been spent (wasted) that all the good cartoons were over! And what there was on were junk 'toons the kids despise. So up they got, fully energized and rarin' to go, playing and fighting and screaming and laughing, toys everywhere, madness resumed. While I sat in dazed lethargy, watching the only thing remotely interesting on the tube: Hoarders. Which just served to remind me of my own personal Hoarders episode waiting for me downstairs, that never-ending call to 'clean me, organize me, put me away, dust me, pleeeeeassseee vacuum me...' Well screw you Downstairs, I am done. I don't care if you smell like rank hockey bags and dirty clothes. You can catch me tomorrow on Smiley Sunday, when I am in the mood.
Just another SNAFU Saturday at the Kashas.
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