Top 10 Annoying Status Updaters

Okay, so everyone on facebook knows that person; you know, that person. The one who's status updates are always annoying, or whiny, or negative, or whatever it is that personally peeves you off. If you're really lucky (sarcasm) you might have a whole bunch of "friends" that do this. Why can't people just be cool and funny and interesting? Oh ya, they're not you (or me). Right. LOL

This is my list of what I consider to be the Top 10 Most Annoying Kinds of Status Updaters...

1) The Proud Parent
You will recognize this person by her profile pic -- always of her child(ren). Her status updates inform us of everything from her child's newest accomplishment to what allergies they have. Its like her life as a separate entity ended when that child pushed its way out of the womb, and now she is known only as Super-Mother, obsessedly devoted to the health and well-being of her child. Making homemade baby food, joining any and every Baby & Me class in existence (and of course, telling us all about it), extolling the virtues of nursing and attachment parenting... She is Super-Mother and won't rest until the entire facebook world knows it.

2) Um, TMI much?
This is the status updater that thinks we really want to know the exact details of the doctor appointment, or the hot date last night, or the nasty fight with the ex. No topic is off limits, no tidbit of info is taboo. Did I really need to know that you walked in on your parents having oral sex? No, and thankyouverymuch for that visual.

3) The Addict
This person should really be on Twitter, which actually encourages new status updates every five minutes or so. Instead they are on facebook, where their constant pointless updates spam up your homepage so completely that you really have no option but to click 'hide' and breath a sigh of relief when the endless details of their existence are removed forever. No but seriously, someone stage an intervention for this person, please.

4) The Ben Stein
If you don't know who Ben Stein is, please take a moment to Google Image him. If you don't recognize him from those pictures, recall that scene in Ferris Bueller where he's the teacher asking, "Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?" in that nasal monotone. Still don't know who he is? Or, even worse, not know who or what Ferris Bueller is? Then stop reading this and just fuck off, seriously. Anyone who doesn't know Ferris Bueller is no friend of mine, I say. HAH! Just kidding, obvs. Anyway, we all know Ben Stein is the epitome of Boring. As is this status updater. All the mundane, tedious, tiresome, drab details of their stale, ordinary, drudging life are on display on this person's facebook wall. "Fed the dog some food today, went grocery shopping, mowed the lawn, paid some bills, washed the dishes..." -- ummm, wow, your life sucks. I mean, I do all those same things too, but do I tell everyone about it? Some things people just don't care to know about. Get a life, dude. Watch some tv and talk about that. Catch a movie and ask people's opinions. Engage people, interact, just do something interesting, dude! Seriously.

5) The Inappropriate Motherf*cka!
For some reason, we never see this one coming, do we? I mean, we should, because that guy was a total bonehead in school, always yelling out stupid stuff in class to get a rise out of the teacher, deliberately being obnoxious at break to be the center of attention. This guy isn't happy unless he's making someone uncomfortable. And if he can do this by letting us all know he wants hookers and blow for Christmas, well then "fuck yeah dudes!", his job is done. He only wishes he could know exactly how many people have blocked him so he could brag about that, too.

6) Happy Happy Joy Joy
This person is probably the worst, in my opinion. No one is always happy and joyous, 24/7. NO ONE. And it annoys the hell out of us regular people with regular emotions who are sometimes happy and sometimes not, when someone is. Does that make sense? Do I care? NO. Because I am a snarky, snappy gal and I like updates with some meat on their bones, not this "Today is a beautiful sunny day and I am gloriously happy!" crap. Geezsh. Have some compassion for the rest of us sad sacks out there who've dealt with a pukey kid, a monster migraine, and an empty coffee can this morning. Or, as an e-friend said recently, "sincerely up yours".

7) Quotey McQuoterson
Omg does this updater need a smack upside the head. You are not a Mensa member, you are not God's gift to intelligent life, you do not have the answers to life's eternal questions; nor are you Mother Theresa, Bill Gates, Ghandi, John F Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe, Kurt Cobain, Bart Simpson or some other famous person and/or character. So friggin' enough with the quotes already! "Imagine there's no heaven", yeah, well how about I imagine you're not on my friend list anymore? Oh, there, DONE.

8) The Snap-Happy
I love looking at pictures. You love looking at pictures. Pictures of babies are cute, so are kittens and puppies and toothless first-graders. Sure, I would love to look at your family vacation pictures. Looks like y'all had a great time camping, and at Disneyland, and at the beach. What's that? You have engagement and wedding pics too? Okay, alright, let's see them. Wow, you have over a hundred engagement pics? Ten pics of the exact same pose just with different special effects, well that's kinda cool. Holy crap, what's this...? Is this... are you... giving birth? Is that... wait, what the... your placenta? SERIOUSLY? You included a picture of the afterbirth in the album because why now? And the caption underneath, "Little Avery's Womb with a View", oh very clever. BARF!

9) The Novelist
If your status update has the dreaded blue "See more..." underneath what looks to be 500 words or more of text, then you can count this facebooker OUT. Sorry, unless my eyes single out certain key words or phrases -- such as 'Adam Lambert', 'accidental nudity', 'jail', 'kiss my ass' or 'hot monkey lovin' -- I'm just not that into you, or your epic update.

10) The Life of the Party
Wow, you are SO cool. I wish I could go out to the bar every night and get totally wasted, then somehow find my way home, decide to get on facebook and drunkenly change my status update so everyone can see just how cool and wasted I am because of all my drunken spelling mistakes and slurred spelled words. And all those trips to Vegas or whatnot, all the clubs you went to, all the random guys (or gals) you made out with, all the pics posted of said drunken makeout sessions and peace signs and 'sexy' kissy face poses... you are like SO cool. I am SO glad you're my facebook friend.


I know there's more of these offending updaters out there, these are just the ones that annoy me the most. Let me know who I missed in the comment section.

Oh, and if any of these sound suspiciously familiar, of course you know I don't mean YOU!