Crazy Things Parents Say

I once submitted Mom's infamous "Denzel Weasel" comment to the website Crazy Things Parents Say, but for whatever reason they didn't use it. Maybe because the "black guy" part of it was too racial? Who knows. But I want to submit more things my crazy parents said, so Trapper and Levi, help me  remember some of those gems, okay? Put them in the comments.

For those of you unfamiliar with Mom's little snafu, here it is to the best of my recollection...

Me: (talking about a movie that was coming out)
Mom: "Oh, yeah, yeah! I love that guy! What's his name again?"
Me: "Who?"
Mom: "You know, that black actor guy."
Me: .....
Mom: "Oh, oh! Denzel Weasel!"
Me: (bursting out laughing) "You mean Denzel WASHINGTON??"
Mom: "Yeah, isn't that what I said?"

Anyway, here's some good ones from that website.

Grandma's 80th birthday party speech:
Grandma: …and so we were blessed with seven kids, because you know, at this time, there was no birth control.
Elderly Guests: -laugh-
Grandchildren: O_O

Me: I think I may be gay.
Mom: Great! I'll have someone to go shoe shopping with me!

Me: What are your false teeth doing in the kitchen?
Dad: Minding their own business which is more than I can say for you!

(While on a long road trip, my brother and I were fighting in the back seat)
Dad: I'm gonna pull this car over, pull my pants down, and spank you both!

Uncle: Wow, that's pungent!
Me: What is?
Uncle: Grandma.

(brother goes to put canned cheese on a cracker)
Dad: Don't touch that, that's my sexual cheese!

Sister: I want to have a girl and name her Allie.
Dad: Why, cause that's where she was conceived?

Mom: Lets watch The Wall together!
Me: Okay!
Mom: But I need to take my pills first. It'll make the movie better.

Step Dad: Love is a strong word. I don't love math. I'd maybe sleep with math and then not call it the next day.

Mum: What's teabagging?
Me: I'm not telling you!
Mum: Is it something me and your father might have done?

Dad: This is another chick-flick isn't it? I'm starting to grow tits!!!

Me: I don't like flying. I hate heights. And I really don't like the security guys feeling me up without buying me dinner first.
Mom: Well, I wouldn't mind. It's been awhile…

Me: Why did you give me a car deodorizer for christmas?
Grandma: To cover up the smell of pot…

Mom: Where's that house with the propellers?!
Me: You mean a windmill?
Mom: Yeah, that!

Mom: Hmmmm… I definitely need a pair of those…
Me: Pair of what?
Mom: Vibrating panties.
Me: WHAT?!

Dad: What's this vajazzling thing that everyone's talking about? Should I be getting on? Is it like an iPhone?
Me: Oh dear.

Dad: Is a bird in the hand worth 2 in the bush?
Mom: There are things I would rather have in my hand and bush.

Dad: When I die, I don't want you to waste money on a nice casket. Bury me in Glad trash bags.

(Whilst watching a bondage scene in a fim)
Mum: I'll have to try that with your father sometime.

Grandma: Could you pirate me some TruBlood?
Dad: Isn't that just about hot vampires having sex?
Grandma: That's what I'm into!

Grandfather: Listen, some people are just born gay. Like some people are born with big noses. So don't let them give you any sh*t for being gay.
Me: OK Pawpaw.
Grandfather: And don't let 'em give you any sh*t about your big nose either.

While at McDonalds my younger brother is trying to eat an ice cream cone in one bite.
Me: There's no way you can fit that whole thing in your mouth, it's too big!
Mom: Here, let me show you how it's done!

Mom: I do random acts of kindness every day, I want to kill people and I don't.

Mom: If I ever became a white rapper, my name would be "Snow Job."
Me: WHAT!?
Mom: Y'know, because I'd be as white as snow and it'd be my job to rap.

Mom: No getting pregnant in my house.
Me: You've been pregnant three times. You've broken your own rule.
Mom: What makes you think it was in the house?

Mom: Stop being a pussy.
Dad: Stop being a dick!
Mom: Well someone has to be the dick around here.

Grandma: You have some nice boobs, honey.
Mom: Yeah, she does. She takes after Mama.
Grandma: What is she?
Mom: I think a 40 C.
Me: MOM!?!
Grandma: It's okay. I'm a double A LONG…
Mom: MOM!?!

Mom: Not everyone has a twin their same age.

Mom: Have a good day yesterday!

Grandmother: Your double chin looks smaller.

Mom: You need to go to saturday church with your grandma tonight.
Me: why? i never go to saturday church.
Mom: BECAUSE I WANT TO GET LAID AND YOUR DAD WONT DO ANYTHING WITH YOU IN THE HOUSE! NOW GO GET DRESSED FOR CHURCH!!

Me: Dad, was I adopted?
Dad: Yes…but they sent you back.

Mom: Oh Gordon, your fly is undone.
Step-Dad: Oh, am I putting on a show for the restaurant?
Mom: No. A dead bird won't fall out of its cage.

Me: Female bodybuilders have no boobs, they're totally flat-chested.
Dad: Well you'd be good at it then.

Mom: The good thing about going senile is everything's funny all over again!

Me: I don't want to sleep on a futon.
Dad: Hey, don't knock futons. You were conceived on a futon.

Dad: Next Saturday will fall in a weekend.

Grandma: When you have kids if you have two daughters, drown one.

(In regards to a Trojan vibrator commercial)
Dad: I know what to get Grandma for Christmas.

Dad: Look at these tiny glasses! How would you drink from that?!
Me: Uhhh… That would be a shot glass, Dad.

Me: How do you get people to help you out at Guitar Center? I've been standing here for about 45 minutes.
Dad: Pull your pants down and start playing your organ.

Dad: I can't wait until pot is legalised and we can all smoke it together as a family!

(Discussing a talent show)
80-year-old Grandpa: What was your talent? A striptease?

Mom (about to start cooking): I better put some pants on, wouldn't want hair in the gravy.

Mom: Hello, I'm the parent of my daughter.

Mom's Friend: Ron Howard's kids' middle names are the places where they were conceived.
Mom: Dining table!
(This was during choir practice)

Me: Dad, who do I look like more, you or Mom?
Dad: You look like the hobo who gave you to us.

(In the midst of a fight)
Mom: Now wait a minute there, Smith!
Dad: What's this Smith crap?
Mom: (Pause) I can't remember your first name!
Dad: Well, I see the last 20 years made an impression.

Sister: Don't we want entertainment for our party, though?
Mom: Fine, I'll strip.

Mom: You know how sometimes you come across a carrot that tastes like a wet mitten?

Me: Dad, you want some of these peanuts?
Dad: No thanks, they get in my mouth.

Mom: Look! Look!
Me: What? What's wrong?
Mom: MY FIRST WHITE PUBE!

Me: What's the point of having an alarm system if you never use it?
Mum: What's the point of having a daughter that asks stupid questions?

(Upon finding out my mom and I were both stoned)
Gramma: You guys should smoke more often, you're so much more fun to be around.

Me: What's for dinner?
Mom: Poison.
(I like this one, might have to start using it, haha!)

(After I've come home early one afternoon)
Dad: Bet you you're glad you didn't come home 15 minutes earlier!
Me: Ewww.
Mom: Bet you wish you weren't sitting on that couch!

Grandmother: "If you had told me we were going somewhere nice I would have put on a bra."

(Speaking about chopping wood)
Mom: You could always go over and pound your brothers wood.

Mom: If you need a clean bra, go into your brother's room.

Grandapa: For Christmas we'd get a pair of pants with a hole in the pocket. That way we'd have something to wear, and something to play with.

Me: Dad,I need some batteries. Do you know where any are?
Dad: Check your mother's dildo.

Me: Which would you give up if you absolutely had to: cigarettes or coffee?
Dad: Your Mother.

Okay, I could add tons more but you'll have to check out the website yourself. Aren't these great? Makes you feel like your family wasn't the only dysfunctional one, haha.