No more Mrs. Nice Guy

Regret.

Its the one emotion that remains with you forever.

Anger fades, sadness lessens, happiness comes and goes. But regret, that wasted emotion, tends to burrow its way into the deepest recesses of your heart. Time may go by, days, months, years with no remembrance of those past wrongs, but then in the space of a heartbeat, it all comes back to you. And you are crippled with the crushing embrace of true regret.

We all have regrets. Something in our past, maybe something in our present, something we know cannot be undone. Maybe you unintentionally (or intentionally) hurt someone's feelings and never apologized. Maybe there was a moment when you should have spoken up but chose to remain silent. Maybe something you did caused someone pain, grief or heartache, and you never made amends. Maybe you were in a situation where you made the wrong decision or choice, and there was no option of going back and changing it. Maybe you let something, or someone, slip through your fingers.

Regret. It preys on the mind, causes you to doubt yourself, your actions, your behaviour, your emotions. Maybe your transgression was so serious that you feel you no longer deserve good things in your life, and from that moment you subconsciously, unconsciously, self-sabotage your life. You are besieged by what-ifs... maybe I could have, why didn't I, if only I could go back.

I have many regrets for things I've done in the past. I truly regret, from the bottom of my heart, the times when I tormented my baby brother Levi by intentionally scaring him. Draping a wolf pelt over myself and luring him downstairs so I could jump out at him, then promising I wouldn't do it again, yet I did. Leading my brothers through the tall grass in the field, then screaming that the coyotes were coming and abandoning them there while I ran back to the house. At the time, it seemed like harmless innocent childhood fun, don't all siblings do things like that? And yet... as a mother, I am horrified that I did that to a sweet loving little brother.

I regret that I let anger and bitterness take root in my heart for so many years, that I let things from my childhood carry on into my adult life, that I let it taint the relationship with my father to the point that I kept him at bay, always kept that part of my heart closed to him and the potential relationship we could have had, that we should have had. And by the time I realized what a complete idiot I was being, that I chose to forgive and open my heart to him, it was too late. He was gone, and all I had left were heartache and the never-ending regret.

I regret all the times I never spoke up for myself, the times when I should have taken a stand but let fear and uncertainty control my actions. I never hesitated to stand up for others, to protect those I felt couldn't protect themselves, but when it came to my own self, I remained mute and helpless.

I regret the hurtful comments I've made to certain people. As soon as the words left my mouth I wanted to take them back, to erase the look of pain and betrayal in their eyes. How could I say that, why would I ever want to hurt those that I love. Sometimes we lash out at those closest to us, because we know, we know, that they will still be in our lives, they will still love us.

And so what this is all leading up to is my new resolution to live my life with no regrets. I know that there's nothing I can do to erase the sins of my past, and in a way I wouldn't want to because they've made me the person I am today. Knowing that things I've done, and haven't done, have caused someone pain or heartache has made me a more compassionate, empathetic person. But I'm choosing to tuck those old regrets aside, close them behind a locked door in my mind, and start my life over, as a life lived with no regrets from this moment on. And the reason I am going to do this is because of two incidents that occurred just yesterday. Both times I had the option of standing up, saying something, and I chose not to. And I laid in bed all last night, cursing myself, telling myself to grow some balls, wondering what flaw in my character would allow me to ignore the situation and carry on.

So here's what happened. I was in the mall yesterday, at H&M buying a baby gift for my cousin's child's first birthday. As I was browsing, I could hear a mother loudly berating her daughter, who must have been between 11-13, the age when a young girl is just starting to come into her own, her self-esteem and self-image is a fragile, precious thing that needs encouragement and protection. The daughter was trailing behind her fat pig of a mother with tears in her eyes, whispering to her mother, "Please don't make a big deal of it, I'm sorry! Please calm down!" I could tell she was horrified, mortified, utterly embarrassed of the scene her mother was creating. I could tell the mom was having one of those fits that us moms sometimes have when our kids are driving us crazy in public and we've almost reached our limit. I admit, I've been there before many times. BUT... I would never, ever take it to the extreme that this woman did. When I get upset like that, I either nip the scene in the bud and remove myself and the kids from the situation by leaving the store and dealing with it outside, back in the vehicle. OR, I say to the kids, "We are not doing this now. I am going to ignore you until you calm down, and we will hash this out later." I would never publicly humiliate and embarrass my child, and in doing so, embarrass myself. But this mother didn't care, her loud grating voice echoed throughout the entire store, people's heads were turning to see what was going on, then quickly turning away, probably thinking, "Not my problem, I'm not getting involved." And I can't fault them because I did the same thing. As I was paying for my stuff the mother and daughter left the store, with the daughter openly crying now and the mom still carrying on her rant. When I was done paying, I left the store and started walking towards the mall exit doors, and there were the mom and girl up ahead of me. I could hear the mom saying, "I don't care if that's what you want to buy for the party, its not appropriate and we're NOT getting it!" Her voice was so loud and stringent that it seemed like the entire mall could hear her. When I got right up to them, I did stop for a second, and it flashed through my mind that I should march right up to the old hag and let her have it, "You know what's not appropriate? Publicly berating and humiliating your daughter in front of all these people. Grow up, get some control over yourself, stop verbally abusing your daughter, and take this outside and deal with it like an adult, like a PARENT." But I didn't say that. I carried on and went out to the vehicle. And the regret I have for that is just killing me inside. That poor helpless girl needed someone to step in, to stand up for her and protect her because as the situation was, she couldn't do it for herself. How many times have you or I been in a situation where all we wanted was someone to show they cared, that they would take a stand for us, even if they were a complete stranger? How many times have you seen an angry parent yelling at their child in public and wanted to say something, yet chose not to because it "wasn't our problem"? As our society grows larger, more populated, more fast-paced, we tend to insulate ourselves in our own world and take on the mantra of "every man for himself". And if I ever find myself in a situation where I am the one being loud and angry with my children, I sincerely hope that someone comes up to me and gives me whatfor, knocks me down a peg. Because NO ONE deserves to be treated like that, ever.

The other situation I am regretting happened a couple of hours later. We were all at the park for the baby's birthday and little Ryder was running around like a nut, invading other people's "campsites" (as I call them, you know, areas with picnic tables and firepits). I realized that I had no idea where Ryder was and started looking around, and spotted him two sites over, running toward a burning firepit. There was a man with his two young children sitting on their lawn chairs, eating chips. As Ryder approached them, they all just sat there and watched him running toward the fire. I yelled to Ryder at the top of my lungs, "Ryder, NO! STOP!" and sure enough he did. He looked toward me, as did the dad and the kids, but he was still only like two feet from the fire. I ran over there at full speed, teetering on my stupid heels through the grass. I ran to Ryder and scooped him up in my arms and said to the dad, "He has a fascination with fire. Sorry!" But then I thought about it, and you know what? If that was you or I in that situation, if WE were the one sitting there with our children around a fire, and a little toddler came running toward the fire, wouldn't you jump out of your seat and steer him away from the fire? Wouldn't you say, "No honey, away from the fire, that's owies" or something like that? Wouldn't the parent in you come out and automatically protect the child, no matter that it wasn't your own child? But no. This man just sat there the whole time, eating his chips, watching my baby boy rushing toward the fire pit, and did nothing. HE DID NOTHING. And when I spoke to him, he just stared at me and still said nothing. And now I am filled with the regret that I didn't say to him, "You stupid bonehead, what is wrong with you? My child almost ran straight into your burning firepit and you would have just sat there on your dumb lazy ass and watched him. You are a horrible person, and a horrible parent!" Who cares that his kids were right there, this man needed to be taught a lesson in parenting, and I was the one who should have gave it to him. Man, I'm pissed off at myself right now!

And so there it is. The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, the turning point in my life. From this moment on, I am choosing to live my life with no regrets, and if that requires me to stand up to someone bigger and scarier than myself, so be it. If it means I have to cause a scene and create a public spectacle of myself, so be it. If it comes to the point where my words cause someone to lash out at me, verbally or physically, I'll have to take that risk, I'll be prepared to hit them right back, with my words or my fist. Because I don't want to be that person any longer, who turns a blind eye and stands by and watches an adult abuse a child, or allows someone to get away with an appalling lack of basic human decency. I don't want to be an old woman, tossing and turning in bed at night with a lifetime's regrets haunting me.

So here's to a new lifetime of tomorrows, to turning over a new leaf, to becoming a stronger, more courageous person who's willing to take a stand and make a difference in someone's life....

NO REGRETS!