I was delivering papers this morning (Gunnar so owes me) and I noticed on the ground two barely-smoked cigarettes. You know, like someone had taken a couple of puffs then threw it on the ground and ground it out with their toe.
And for a crazy, horrible, totally insane moment, I was tempted to pick them up and tuck them in my pocket for future, secretive, use. I actually stood there and contemplated it.
Then Lena yelled something to me and Ryder wheeled past me on his little tricycle and the moment was gone. Away we went.
But that moment continues to haunt me.
It has been, what, almost a year now being cigarette-free and the fact that I can still be tempted just goes to show how strong the power of addiction is. Even the other day, I walked past some people standing outside their work building having a smoke together, and I couldn't stop myself from taking a deep inhale, just breathing that familiar smell in. I watched them with envy as they chit-chatted and puffed away. I used to do that, I used to go for smoke breaks with my work buddies. When you become a non-smoker, its almost like you lose that part of your identity. Who are you without that cigarette in your hand?
I'm lucky that the major hurdle of breaking the addiction is over, but I can see I've still got a ways to go.
3 comments:
I suppose once you're addicted you will forever more have those nictoine pathways in your brain. You actually change the biochemistry of your body. Very unfortunate for all of us ex-smoking suckers! The other day I had a really stressful conversation with my mother-in-law. I went straight to Joel's smoke stash in the garage and had one. And I'm sorry to say, IT WAS SOOOOOOOO GOOD. Like sex on fire my friend. Very very unfortunate indeed...
If I had a spouse that was a smoker, I don't think I would've been able to quit. How can you stand it?
I HAVE TO QUIT. THIS IS SILLY. (this is me, shouting ..). The fact that I'm going to Vegas with non-smokers helps me, though. I go for a couple days and don't smoke, then I smoke half a pack for a week, then start nonsmoking all over again.
DOH
I WILL DO THIS. I don't want the grandbabies to ever see me as a Gramma Niki, cigarette hanging out of her mouth while she's vacuuming.
That should be inspiration enough, eh? I think I'll post that thought on post-it stickies all over the house.
Hag.
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