So as of today, its been nine days since the illness struck me down. I can say that as of this morning, I am feeling about 90% back to normal, still a little stuffy-nosed, but the headaches are pretty much gone and my stomach is back to normal. Which is good and bad; good because it is truly a horrible feeling, to be starving yet unable to eat, and bad because I had lost six pounds and now I've gained them all back! Waaaa!
But I've gotta say that me getting sick was almost fated to occur, because it really allowed me to see a whole new side of Hubs. I think that sometimes I get so caught up in my 'role' of housewife, mother, etc, that I tend to become very narrow-minded. What I mean by that is, is that I tend to see everything in terms of black and white, there's no middle-ground. I tend to think that I've been put in this position of having to be on top of everything, making sure all the bills are paid, the house is kept clean, the kids are taken care of, all those little pies that I've got my fingers in. Yes, it gets overwhelming and then I start feeling resentful and taken for granted.
But what this past week has taught me is that, it doesn't have to be that way. By being the one in control of all these things, I think I give the impression that I'm strong, capable and independent (which I certainly am). But I think that it also serves to push others aside, makes them think I don't need them or their help. And that is a truly sad thing, because deep down doesn't everyone want to be needed? In our secret heart, we want others to need us, to value us and our abilities. And by trying to be SuperMom, I pushed Tyler aside and, I think, made him feel like he wasn't needed around here. So when I was so ill and utterly incapable of taking care of the 'daily routine', that was his chance, his opportunity to step into those shoes and be needed.
When he and the boys returned from Canmore, they entered a household that had completely fallen apart during their absence. Okay, to be honest, the house was in semi-decent shape, but ONLY because my mom had taken the babies off my hands for two days and so the house didn't have a chance to slide into slovenliness. But in the three hours or so on Sunday, from when I picked the kids up from moms' to when the boys came home, everything went to utter shit. Laundry hadn't been done for four days. Four days! That's a new low point for me, people. But anyway, when the boys realized they had no clean clothes to wear to school, I think it was a kick in the butt for Tyler; the point when he realized he HAD to step in because I was just so out of it.
I'm sure those first few hours of being Mr. Mom were hell for him, a guy used to doing nothing more than coming home from work, eating supper then crashing on the couch for the rest of the night. But his children needed him, he must have realized they were utterly dependent on him. And so he stepped up to the plate. And he didn't just adapt and do the bare minimum, no, he took that situation and he THRIVED. I can almost feel what he must have felt, that moment of realization and, yes, pride, to know that you are capable of taking care of all their needs, and to be doing it WELL. Not just well, to give him his due, he was doing it EXCELLENT!
The children were happy, well-fed, wearing clean clothes, the house was back in shape and it was all due to him. All those responsibilities, all those balls up in the air waiting to come crashing down, he was juggling them with the ease and experience of a seasoned pro. It was like he'd been Mr. Mom for years! (I'm sure the fact that I was laying in bed, yelling out stuff to no one in particular, like "Holy crap, Daddy folded?! What do you mean, Daddy vacuumed? OhmyfrickinGod, did Daddy just change a poopy diaper?! But I didn't hear any dry-heaves!" -- that must have just made his day, haha).
And the thing that really gets me, the thing that just blows my mind and almost brings me to tears, is that this man, a guy I've always assumed was utterly content to leave everything in my hands, not only did he take to his new role like a duck to water, he was smiling and laughing and having fun with his children, he was not just 'dealing' with whatever needs they had that popped up, no he was anticipating those needs, he was caring for them with joy and pure love in his heart. He didn't get upset or frantic or resentful of all these new responsibilities foisted upon him, like I would've assumed he'd be. The best I can compare it to would be like his secret heart, his manly desire to be needed, was like a seed buried deep, and it was this experience, this opportunity, that brought sunlight and nourishment and encouraged its growth, until it was wild and free, thriving and basking in the glow of knowledge that he was strong, capable and independent, and that as much as he needed to be needed, he needed the chance to show himself and his children that he could do all these things for them, and do them with patience, caring and total, devotional love in his heart.
I took him aside yesterday and with total, utter seriousness, confessed one of my deepest fears: that in my heart, I've always worried that if something were to happen to me, god forbid, that I never truly knew if he would be capable of caring for the children in that situation. I was always terrified that family members on both sides would feel they had to 'step in' and take the children, for their own good; it would terrify me that my kids would be split up, dealing with their heartache and grief without the saving grace of each other and their Daddy. So for me to see it with my own eyes, to really "get it", deep in my heart, that yes he could handle it, yes he would be capable, but not just that -- that he would care for those children to the absolute best of his ability and do it with no hint of frustration or resentment... it was a true revelation to me. Its actually caused me to do a lot of soul searching and made me come to many self-realizations. I need to allow him to take that role, I need to step back from my own control issues and give that to him, I must let him be needed.
And in doing that, I think I'm giving this family a new lease on life, a new commitment to each other, a fresh new path for the future where we are ALL needed, we are all dependent on each other, where we can all flourish and THRIVE. Who knew that my illness would turn out to be my family's saving grace?
*** Okay, so having said all that deep, introspective stuff, this morning is when my true "new reality" was really brought into focus. Today is day two of me being 'back to normal' and I have to confess that I was a little worried that Hubs and I would just slide back into our old roles. I should have clued in last night, when we were watching tv after the kids had gone to bed and Ty disappeared downstairs for a really long time. I don't know what I assumed he was doing, definitely not what he actually was doing. When The Office went to commercial and I noticed just how long he'd been down there, I was just about to get up and investigate, when he came upstairs carrying TWO hampers of clean, folded clothes. That wonderful, lovely man had been down in the laundry room, throwing another load of laundry in and folding what was obviously two hamper's worth of clothes. To say I was dumbstruck is an understatement. I mean, I knew he'd experienced something life-changing this past week, but it made me see that he was still willing to continue in his new role even though I was now capable of doing that stuff now.
But this morning, that is when I really "got it". I had just finished making school lunches and was unloading the dishwasher. Ty was getting his own work lunch ready and when he saw what I was doing, he exclaimed, "Babe, I was going to do that but I didn't have time! Sorry about that! Tell you what, save the vacuuming for me, okay, and I'll do it tonight when I get home. Love you!" and he was off to work. I just stood there, dazed, wondering Did I just hear that right? Even though I'm back to normal and capable of doing it myself now, he is still willing to do that? He actually volunteered to vacuum, not because I begged or cajoled or needled him into it, but because he wants to give me a break, make my life easier and help me out?
(And you know what? It will probably be one of the hardest things for me to do today, but I am going to 'allow' him that, to vacuum, as stupid as that sounds. But in the past, I would have said, "Thanks baby but that's okay, I've got it" and I would've done it and carried on, showing him what a capable person I am, while unconsciously sloughing off and totally negating his truly generous offer to help. But the new me, the one working on her issues of control and power, is going to give that up to him. If he said he would do it, by god I'm going to allow myself to need him for that. I admit that I'm struggling with that concept, A LOT, right now, because my floor is dirty and its niggling at me. But I think that this issue has become close to his heart now, and so in the spirit of true partnership I am going to allow myself to rely on him. Does that make sense?)
So I guess this is what my "new" life is going to be like! I now have a true "partner" in this marriage, this family. Years ago, when I envisioned married life, this is what I imagined. Me and my partner, working together as a team to take care of our family and each other. Its like my dream man just suddenly dropped into my lap! Like a hundred Christmas mornings all rolled into one. You could say I'm walking on cloud nine this morning (which also may have something to do with the fact that my 'new' dream-hubby was so... affectionate... last night. Heh. Oh ya, TMI and innuendo? I'm definitely back to normal, baby! LOL).
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