Mission: Butt Out, Day 2

Sunday night I smoked my last cigarette. Its not like I made a conscious decision at the time, like "Okay, this is it." It was more like, Dang! all out of smokes. Guess I'll get some tomorrow. But when I woke up Monday morning, I thought that maybe I should give it another go. Try to quit cold turkey one more time. See, that's the thing. The only way I can quit is to go cold turkey. The whole 'weaning' thing doesn't work for me, mainly because I have no will power, haha. If I have a full pack of smokes, there's no way I can limit myself to five a day or whatever. Not happenin'. Its all or nothing with me.

Tyler has unknowingly sabotaged all my prior attempts at quitting because he does believe in weaning. I'll be going strong, several hours into my attempt, and a wicked craving will come over me. He'll immediately suggest that he go buy me a pack and I can just have like four that day. Me being the sneaky, lying, weak-willed woman that I am, will instantly agree, "Yes, that sounds great! You go buy me the smokes and I'll start weaning myself off them! Yes!" Only to have the pack finished by the next day. Oops, sorry honey, I really meant to try the weaning thing! (yeah right!! lol)

Of course, Monday morning I started nicking out right away, the second I poured myself a cup of coffee and realized I had no smokes to go with it. I debated all day whether I should run to the store and get some more, but by the end of the night I figured that if I'd made it that long, I could handle a few more hours. It was getting pretty iffy there around 10pm, though. That's the time of night I usually start chain smoking, my "witching hour" -- the kids are all in bed, Ty's usually passed out on the couch, all the good shows are coming on. But I did it. I made it through (of course, I ate about a pound of chocolate mini eggs, damn!)

And so today is Day Two of Mission: Butt Out and if I've been a little jittery and tense, everyone knows why and they're cutting me some slack. I've been downing the kids Easter chocolates like they're going out of style, though, and that has to stop! I'm gonna weigh 500 lbs by the end of the week!

I have such an addictive personality that I'm going to have to replace the nicotine addiction with something else. I've considered drinking a glass of water every time I get a smoke craving, so I might try that. Maybe I'll whittle a carrot into the shape of a cigarette and just pretend I'm smoking it. Gawd, that's pathetic. But its all about baby steps, people. Taking it one day at a time. All those cliches that are now going to become my mottos, haha.

The thing that really sucks about quitting smoking is that you have to really want it, and I'm the type of person who will always love smoking. I love the feel of the cigarette held between my two fingers, I love that first deep drag of smoke into your lungs, the moment where you hold your breath and keep it in, then the rush of the exhale. I love how its the perfect way to pass the time when you're bored; how its an ice-breaker between strangers, when you're standing outside; how it gives you an excuse at work to go for a break (not that I technically "work" anymore but I remember those days, "Smoke break?" you'd say and like five people would perk up and you'd all sneak out for a quick puff).

The main reason I am trying to quit is, of course, because of my children. I would never want them to be motherless, to go through life with that sense of grief and loss, all because of my selfish choice. So that is another mantra I'm clinging to: Do it for the kids.

So cross your fingers for me, knock on wood, rub the rabbits foot, say a little prayer, whatever!

Baby steps, one day, one hour, one minute at a time....